It’s official; our government has gone totally nutso. There has been a gradualism, making it difficult to pinpoint the exact moment the line between insanity and depravity was crossed, but they are now certifiable. It’s kinda like Aunt Jennifer, who liked to enter contests. Harmless at first, you talk to her and she casually mentions the Publishers’ Clearing House, maybe goes on a bit much, and you think, hmmm, eccentric. Then, a few months later, you visit and her whole house is a mess. Entry forms littering the floor, stacks of envelopes, 5 radios blaring ongoing sweepstakes, and a bank of phones reminiscent of those for NPR pledge week. Yes, somewhere between the phone call and the visit, Aunt Jennifer went bonkers.
With a fair number of market gurus publicly gloating that shorting the US dollar is a faster way to get rich than a private account, as long as budget and current accounts deficits continue to soar, you’d think that Congress might start burning the midnight oil to slash unnecessary spending and find a way to reduce our dependency on imports. You’d think wrong.
After spending a day berating professional athletes, Congress tackled the difficult issue – drafting a subpoena to a comatose woman. Perhaps they were unaware of the symmetry of one comatose body insisting on the presence of another, but the Price Is Right, so come on down. Yes, like Aunt Jennifer, greed was the initial motivating factor, though it has progressed far beyond that now. It has a life of its own, without any tubes. The evangelistic lobby owns enough Congressmen to actually force them to work, something even a national debt crisis couldn’t accomplish. For some reason, the mechanically sustained life of one person has been conflated with the rights of the unborn. They believe that their over-acted public displays of angst and hysteria will somehow prevent abortions, so even if it takes an act of Congress and – horrors! – an interruption of President Bush’s vacation, we have to keep pumping the veins of this woman with whatever it takes to keep her vital organs registering electronic readings that resemble those of a sentient being.
This madness, like so many others, began in Florida. Think Elian Gonzalez, 2000 election. To save the country, maybe Congress should consider my proposal, as long as they’re in session anyway – expel Florida from the Union. States don’t have the right to secede, but the Constitution says nothing about kicking somebody out. Florida is a luxury. In better times we could maybe afford a little eccentricity, but our resources are currently spread far too thin to accommodate an entire state chock full of buffoons and psychos. It would be far better to excise this tumor before it infects us all, driving us into a fantasy world of imaginary weapons, imaginary news, and imaginary government. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Expel Florida, now.
6:38:32 AM 
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