I’ve never been “into” desserts and it really shows when I attempt to make one – they always turn out looking like space aliens, but the kid in me loves it anyway.
This is a banana split, of sorts, with green tea ice cream, whipped cream, maraschino cherries, and a caramel sauce. I learned my lesson well with pomegranate gravy made from caramelized sugar for a New Year’s feast. The friggin recipes always tell you to add cold liquid to the molten sugar and if intuition doesn’t tell you that ain’t gonna work, listen to me.
IT AIN'T GONNA WORK!
On New Years, I got a sugar boulder and the damned thing liked to boil over. I learned my lesson well. Chef Michael Schulson, probably snickering at he dashed it off, tried to get me to repeat that mistake on this caramel sauce – catch this:
Method:
1. Caramelize sugar in pan (about 5 minutes on high flame, stirring constantly); add cream and sesame seeds, stir until incorporated.
I wasn’t born yesterday, Cheffie-Boy – no way I’m gonna do that again! Youse guys probably think it’s an easy paycheck, pickin’ up a couple extra Benjamins dashing off some cornball recipe for the clueless louts over at CBS News Saturday Morning and the equally clueless losers who actually get up, on Saturday, to watch it. Nobody’s gonna really make this crap, so just scribble down some bullshit, slip into a snazzy pair of Poly/Cotton Classic Baggy Chef pants, apply the makeup, affect an indeterminate quasi-European accent and go on the air gesturing artistically with a few wrist flourishes and there you have it.
No, I’m not talking about TV cooking. I’m talking about what really happens in an earth-bound kitchen, where the laws of physics apply. When you add cold liquid to molten sugar, you’re gonna have serious problems. I learned literally the hard way, spending half an hour incorporating rock candy into a delicate sauce. If you really want to make a caramel sauce, bring the liquid portion to a boil to minimize the temperature differential, then whisk the caramelized sugar in a little at time, with the heat off. Each little drizzle will bring the liquid, in this case cream, to a foamy boil, but just whisk until it settles and then add a little more. By the time you add the last of the caramelized sugar the whole mess is probably a few degrees above boiling, but it will have properly mellowed out and, verily, it will be sauce.
2:15:27 AM 
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