Tuesday, January 21, 2003

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DIS ...power outtage - yet another storm begins 1:42:48 AM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY   definitions: MOOD - what that cow just did MOONACK - some cows have it, some don't MOONCALF - the one that wants his mommy MOORS - cattle MOORING BOUY - the kid standing in the cow pie MOOR TIT - where milk comes from MOOTH -  the sound a Shakespearean cow makes MOPPET - the best way to clean a kitchen floor MOPUS - what  Curly gets when he squeezes Moe's zits MORASS - what string bikinis reveal                     ************* It strikes me that all of the great public speakers have disappeared.  Dr. King, JFK, Churchill, Cybil Sheppard  ---- nobody can hold a candle to them.  HOLD IT!  I know I had a wild 'n wooly day, and it is very late/early...but I DID NOT TYPE IN  THAT LAST NAME!  On that spooky note, I'll climb the old rope ladder, scrunch down in my ceiling-mounted, supper-padded kayak and just make a wad of zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's. 1:29:15 AM    comment []

Saturday, January 18, 2003

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY  definitions: MOCK TURTLE SOUP - a recipe from Alice MOHAIR - a dream Sam Donaldson shares with Burt Reynolds MOIDER - a killing in Brooklyn New York MOISM - Frenchmen thinking about Frenchmen   (Oh, come on... MOI- ism?     ___(laugh here) MOLASSES - rodent butts MOLD - "I said ... I'm elderly!  You pokey-headed little whippersnapper." MOLEST - consciousness training for rodents MONOPOLY - a parrot with kissing disease                   ************* Took Luke.  Invaded Denio's Farmer's Market -- when the fog parted enough to find it.  FOUND a perfect 6" thick 80 x 60 foam rubber mattress  of very good quality -- for $73.00!  HAH.  I am a happy camper.  Luke found new sneaks, new sox w/ flags on 'em, some "mega-cool, hand-tied flies and inviso-line (that's the best, so I'm told)."  We found the buy of the century... sluggy-soft rubber balls with long appendages.  When you throw it, the ball comes back and smacks you but it doesn't hurt.  Squeeze it and fantastic color displays occur.  We each bought one.  Luke went back to get another for his best friend, Christian.  I got one for Bev.  He got another for...  we own 12 gooey-slingy balls - all colors!!  We picked up the mattress and headed for the car.  Luke folded himself into the encircled/taped-closed foam rubber and did his armadillo impression.  Had to LEAN against the doors to get them shut...but the mattress fit.  It's still in my car.  Got home and everyone was ultra busy on myriad projects, including a very special one:   I  HAVE  HOT WATER... MY TOILET FLUSHES ... and there's about 2 inches of mud  e v e r y w h e r e!  (they "cleaned up" for me, too)  lucky me.  Tim even took the pile of towels from the shower and washed 'em for me.    Daughter Anna is kinda "snarky" right now - grades are due... there's a school dance she's involved with and Link Crew activities are in high gear.  She leaves for school (Laguna Creek High School) at 6:20 am and we don't see her again until after 8 pm.  Gee I sure glad she's earning THE BIG BUCKS!  Can you imagine the quality teachers we'd get if the minimum salary STARTED at $100,000?  Yes, it is WAY less than legislators receive... but teachers actually have to accomplish something!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Thanks to Madeline Murray O'Hare and Doctor Spock, there is no such thing as discipline in any school system.  Teachers cannot even say the words, "Shut up!" to screaming, filthy-mouthed, over-attituded brats.  CANNOT SAY "SHUT UP!"  Lucky for lots of kids...I am NOT a teacher!  I'm trying to watch National Geographic & write, too.  It's not working.  Neither is my brain -- oh -- that's OLD news, huh?  Gretzky's knocking of the front door.  Why do I say "front" door?  CORRECTION:    the cat's knocking at the Solo Door.  (does that sound more swank than "only door"?    11:02:28 PM    comment []

Must rush to Denio's Farmer's market to buy an 8" thick, 79 x 60 hunk of prime foam rubber.  Was on my way out the door when #1 son entered with a color chart -- made selections for painting my house, the cottage and the front house.  Now, if somebody'd just paint my car.  I'd REALLY like plaid, but no one will oblige me.  We are now experiencing "Honky Fog" -- that's where all the honkies can wander around invisible... except for their Walmart duds shining brightly through the fog.  #1 just told me about the 6 year old who brought a huge bag of marijuana and a pipe to school for Show 'n Tell.  His Pop's in the can.  Wonder if the class wants to have a Field Trip to the County lock-up?   10:20:09 AM    comment []

Friday, January 17, 2003

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY  definitions: MILDRED - a liberal Commiie  // ; fear of a grist grinder MILE POST - the longest piece of wood ever milled MILKWOOD - a sure way to get splinters MINE SWEEPING - how they get rid of coal dust MINIMUM - Thumbelina's mother MINISTER - a prion for midgets MINUET - a topic of discussion among cannibals MISCHIEF - a female tribal leader MISLAY - a snow sled belonging to me  (my-sleigh)   OR     The 2003 Pimp Calender pick of the month MISSAL - homesick MISSEL TREE - an ICBM Redwood MISTAKE - "Getcher grimmy paws offa my sirloin!"  (MY-steak) MOBY DICK - now thought to be a mind-altering veneral disease suffered by Captain Ahab                         ******** I can explain my recent absence.  There were several dozen very good reasons why I didn't blog the last few days.  It can all be verified, honest.  And I'll tell you ALL about it as soon as I get someone to come lift this pan of Gwumpkies I've been cooking, frying, steaming, mixing, boiling, rolling, stuffing and stacking THIS ENTIRE DANG  DAY!!!  Oh, no.  Just noticed my ring is missing.  It CAN'T be in one of those Gwumpkies.  It just C A N' T !!  Not after getting stuck in the elevator at the Hyatt, accidentally checking my cousin OUT of the hotel when all I wanted was a validation for parking, spilling a whole bottle of champagne into the heating vent at the hotel, stuffing my cousin's car keys into my purse as I left.... and being stopped by a cop in the parking garage so the keys could be returned -- (I gave him a SNicker's bar!!!  Don't EVEN think I'm cheap.      OH...and I almost DIED Monday night after bingo (no, I didn' win).  Food poisoning - gran mal food poisoning - even the CAT barfed in sympathy.  At one point I woke to discover I was standing against the kitchen sink with my face in disposall hole opening.  Do you think maybe I was SO sick I was contemplating swizzlecide?  Well, what DO you call death by disposal?  Okay, I'll give ya "messy" - I mean the technical term. Patracide (sic) - mattresscide (that's when you inhale 80 pounds of goosedown ticking.)  AHA... must be   GRINDACIDE!      hmmmmm   I'd have to lose a WHOLE lotta weight first.  Nevermind. 11:42:27 PM    comment []

Sunday, January 12, 2003

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY  definitions: METAPOLITICIAN - to fling hamburger at the mayor       (HELP?)  ok... meat-a-politician MIASMA - why I have trouble breathing MICROLITE - I have a blackbird lamp  (NO! you figure it out!) MICKLE - the new McDonald's pickle MICROWEBER - a teensy weensy barbeque MICROANALYSIS -  22 seconds on a psychiatrist's couch MICROMANIA -  why I only get  22 seconds on the psychiatrist's couch MICROBE - the first item in McDonald's new clothing line MICROPHYTES - Joe Louis' "bum-of-the-week" KO's MICROSTATS - the sum and substance of Reggie Jackson's baseball announcing MIDDLEMAN - an internist MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD - the election year residence of most politicians MILCH - a milk belch                                ****** An udder cousin, (from La Paz) not nearly as goofy as Crazy Cousin Babs... came into town & we met to discuss a family problem. (HIS family! ...my family only has ONE problem - me!)  After 3  overlapping phone calls, he asked if I'd skip down to the refreshment nitch and grab a couple of Pepsi's.  I  did feel a bit foolish ... skipping down a hotel hallway 'n all ... then the idiot machine wouldn't take $1 bills or coins.  I looked for a credit card slot, mini-bank teller, number for Pepsi or Joan Crawford -- nada!  I walked up to the 4th floor and naively engaged that machine with my money.  ZILCH!  A man guy person said the machine only took verbal assaults.  5th floor, same problem.  Gave up and took the elevator to the concierge's area whereupon I explained my problem.  "Did you try the 6th floor?" said the Q-tip with legs, his eyes expectant of an answer.  "Perhaps you'd try the 14th floor machine FOR me, okay?"  Q-tip person's eyes now did that quick-glance-ceilingward as he INFORMED me, "The Hyatt only has 12 floors, madam."  I was only perturbed and thirsty before this haughty little TOILET BOWL BRUSH pushed my "madam" button.  I went across the lobby to the gift shop, paid the ridiculous price of $2 for a (gag - the thought twirls my glotus) COKE!  (THERE, I said it out loud!)  I took it back to Lint-for-brains and explained that it was a Coca Cola, NOT a Pepsi as is offered on all of their floors via non-functioning machines, which causes folks to go down to the gift shop to buy Pepsi's evil competitor thereby circumventing the contract they no doubt had with Pepsi.  He could, therefore, keep the $2 coke and PERSONALLY bring 4 Pepsi's to my cousin's room or I was going to call the CEO of Pepsico, Mr. Pheittnlagyua. (You always want to mumble the name of the VIP you don't know and can't remember if you ever knew.)  I was afraid to turn on my heel and smartly step to the elevator... fear of my heel cutting a carpet cookie in the rug, and that piece of carpet flapping unceremoniously behind my shoe as I ... as I ... how DOES one "step smartly"?  Anyway, moments after telling my cousin why it had taken so long to get no soda, two waiters entered the room bearing trays of ice buckets containing can upon can of Pepsi, "Compliments of the Hyatt."  My cousin sat there laughing and shaking his head, then said, "I didn't know YOU knew Phil Pheittnlagyua!"    7:26:36 PM    comment []

Saturday, January 11, 2003

They finished the floor & walls of the bathroom in the cottage...this is GOOD news because the water source for the cottage is also MY water source.  Unfortunately, we DO have a stream AND rocks... so I didn't get out of doing the laundry (har-t-har-har).  Yes, I now have water... COLD water, which is good enough to flush the toilet without trudging out to the well and hoisting buckets of water to fill the tank & bowl to accomplish the same thing.  With all this water stuff going on... AND THE RAIN... I have run out of towels.  Had to sneak over to daughter's house across the way and "borrow" some of her raggedy-ass towels she uses to dry the dogs.  Called the carpet cleaners.  I always say, when you can no longer see the original color of the carpet, it's time to get it cleaned.  In this case, dyed could be a better solution for light, smoke green carpet. No one used to have carpets wall-to-wall.  They had rugs.  If the rugs got dirty you tossed 'em over the line (that's CLOTHES LINE) and got out all your frustrations by beating them with a wire whisk-looking thing.  We bathed in the kitchen in huge metal tubs filled with stove-heated water & the pump at the sink.  Now, maybe your family bathed separately but used the same water.  Our family believed clean water was for the use of one and all.  Communal bathing began at our house.  So did communal soap fights, communal splashing and communal teat tweeking.  Gram used the flood to wash the floor & kept right on going out the door to include the porch 'n steps.  EPA...    EAT YER HEART OUT!!!  10:02:51 PM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY  definitions: MEGADONT - a BIG TIME no-no MELANCHOLIC - sick on cantalopes  MELOGRAM - a laid-back grandparent MELON FLY - a cantalope with a zipper MEMORATE - the speed at which notes pass around the office MEMORIALIST - arrive list-less at the market   (memory 'o-list) MESOLITE - a 42,000 watt bulb   (yep, dassa mess 'o light) METAPHOR - a woofer encountered in a singles bar METALWARE - knight's clothing store   9:47:46 PM    comment []

WARNING!   WARNING!   WARNING! LIZARDS LIKE SILKY UNDERWEAR AND THE QUIET OF A DRESSER DRAWER! CONSIDER YOURSELVES "ON   NOTICE" ... THEN  DIAL 911 ... 'CAUSE I CAN SEE MY HEART BEATING IRREGULARLY ... OVER THERE ON THE BOOKCASE!!! 1:02:51 AM    comment []

The rain has slackened to perpetual drizzle, I had to go across to daughter's house to shower (still no hot water), and if they don't get my toilet fixed I'll be scouting a site for an outhouse when the neighbor's new FIGHTING ROOSTERS CROW -- make that about 4 a.m.  The roosters crowing causes the their 3/4 Pit Bulls to howl, causing my cat to dig an escape path UNDER MY BUM.  HAH!  And you thought YOUR day was a doozy!  Daughter AGAIN has plasticized her interior stairway to stave off dirt, dust, mud, rain & general havoc.  Daughter's husband has AGAIN broken his toe on said plastic -- this time his left foot - 4th toe  (instead of his right foot - big toe 4 days ago).  He just got back from playing hockey. Looked like a bowlegged penguin sloshing across their (loose-term warning) lawn.  Better tighten the straps on the kayak hanging from my living room ceiling, 'cause that's my bed til they catch the lizard they frightened... all the way into MY bedroom.  Wonder where I put in for Hazard Pay in this chicken outfit? 12:58:25 AM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions: MASTERBAITER - a promotion from assistant baiter MASTIC - what happens when your mom sits on the gum you hid on her chair MATERNITY - mother's bed clothes  (mater - nightie... oh, you had it!) MATRICIDE - the act of shooting one's bed MATTRESSES - hair that looks like a woven floor covering MAXIMUM - a 20 lb flower MAYBE - a late-Spring insect MEACHING - I hurt all over MEALIES - everybody staring at the Thanksgiving turkey     (okay, I'll help - meal-eyes!  wasn't THAT obscure.  Just wait. MEANDER - she and I..... in Liverpool   (me-and-her) MEANESS - Elliott and I caught Al Capone  (me 'n Ness  ###  please allow for lateness of the hour   12:44:46 AM    comment []

Friday, January 10, 2003

It's pouring, son, son's crimb-busting partner, son-in-law and three guys who don't really know why they're up here on the hill, are trying like hell to get the water turned back on.  Not that the water company turned it off.  NO!  That'd be too easy to fix.  But in their haste to slap up siding on the cottage nextdoor, they slapped a HUGE hole in the bathroom.  Soggy sheetrock from a constant drip from the water pipe MIGHT have had something to do with it....  erk.  The convergence of great minds then decided to rid the cottage of it's quaint, 60 yr. old footed bathtub and found they had to attach a chain to it and rev up the 4x4 Lincoln Navigator to get that ancient IRON BEHEMOTH out the hole in the wall.  This action seemed to me to be the cause of the break in the water pipe -- the water pipe being tugged at by all three dogs... water spewing hither and yon.  One of those "yons" happened to be my #2 ex hubby's pad.  Within minutes he hooked up his 5th wheeler and loudly announced his departure for... ALABAMA.  (I place this in caps to warn folks in that loverly state that the loudest, no-butt, Yankee idiot is headed in their direction.  My suggestion:  MOVE!)   After everyone recovered from the laughing fit at seeing #2ex doing a wheelie in a Chevy attached to a 5th wheeler to get out of here, well... they tried to corral the dogs and recover the water pipe from them.  In spite of having NO WATER, I was enjoying myself.  Better'n TV -  except for Monty Python's Flying Circus, Fawlty Towers, Absolutely Fabulous and reruns of Bonanza.  Fat, sassy, dry and cozy, I watched the mayhem from my perch on the couch ... the one the monkey ate part of --- and, NO, I wasn't sitting on that part.  I called out for pizza -- it seemed the decent thing to do.  I rummaged through the shed and came up with 4 Bud's, 8 Coors, a Bud ICE (whatever that is), and a nice little cabernet.   Folks!  THAT is ALL it takes to become a HERO!  (of course I didn'te devulge the existence of the cabernet... you think I'm completely bonkers?)     NOTE TO FUTURE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES:   ORDER UP SOME PIZZA, RUSTLE UP SOME BEER, HAVE A LITTLE CABERNET (disguised as a McDonald's soda in the proper cup 'n all) AND EVERY RED-BLOODED MALE IN AMERICA IS YOURS!  (whether or not they know how to vote) 11:41:49 AM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions: MANROOT - what to plant if you want to grow a guy MANSE - his MANUAL - a phrase used by single Southern women on the prowl: "Man, you all!" MANURE - Mom had a facelift   (Ma - newer) MAOMAO - two mayonaise orders MARITIME - the wedding day MARKABLE - doodle on a bovine MARTINGALE - the 7-11 blew away in that direction MASCOT - one bed for everybody MASQUERADE - a police action at the costume shop MASSEUR - one waste drainage system for the whole country  (run by the government, of course) MASSIF - one big MAYBE! 11:20:05 AM    comment []

Thursday, January 09, 2003

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions: MALEMUTE - a quiet knight MALIGNANT - slander a household insect MAMMOTH - a Mommy butterfly MANCANDO - thunder mug contents MANCIPATE - how he knew he was going bald MANDAMUS - what Adam did by eating that apple MANELESS -the U.S. moves it's N.E. border down to New Hampshire MANHANDLE - a penis MANJACK - used to pry husbands off the couch And you guys all said this was a NEW year...HAH!  Christmas started out on the 20th with a huge family dinner at the Spaghetti Factory, and Crazy cousin Babs breaking her vow of gift sanity by handing out cards -- to everyone -which contained $100 for those under 40 and up to $350 for us old fogies.  The youngest, Luke, 12... looked as if someone hit him in the face with an armadillo - he'd never seen a $100 dollar bill.  As of this date, he still has it - fascinated by it.  In our family this could mean he's configuring the obstacles to counterfeiting the thing, handing it to a passing stranger who looks hungry, buying abalone diving gear, a new fishing rod or a horse.  On the 22 the festivities leaped to Babs & Anthony's house for a gourmet feast of gargantuan proportions - scallops, mussels, soft-shell crabs, a GIANT prime rib, lobster tails and a ham specially prepared by blindfolded monks in a cave somewhere near Wilmington, Delaware.  I gave Babs a poster of WF Cat Wrestling champs, Fang and CATasstrophy - she gave me a game called "Fact or Crap" - plus French egg-shaped soaps - plus a fantastic sculpture I had accidentally admired aloud, and a Behrens painting.   That presented a problem.  Quickly, I had to find a place for my rejoicing cow statue - complete with black web pantyhose...even over her udder... my tennis shoe statue had to move, the frog purse, frog fairy, and Geremiah was a frog had to make way for the sophisticated stuff.  In case anyone wants to find all my neat stuff... look under my life-size real-as-hell rendering of a wildebeast snoozing atop a giant ant hill.   THAT was NOT the end of Christmas! The 24th everyone went to daughter Anna's house for desserts of every kind and opening presentss.   The 25th at 9 am, we arrived at my best friend (of 41 years) Terry's daughter's house for our usual bash of Ramos Fizzes, sausages, ham, bacon, omelettes, French toast, etc.  Then we opened presents.  I got a trip to Mazatlan in April, new tableware, and a wild shirt to wear on the beach.  Now is Terry would just join me on the beach, but she has this "thing" about fearing she's on the deep side of the ocean and well... The morning of the 26, daughter Anna, her hubby Brian and I totally jammed their truck with stuff and headed south 330 miles to stay with Middle Son, Troy, his wife and 7   kids.  (and YOU thought YOU had a hectic Christmas...HAH)  I stayed at Troy's which Anna & Brian FORCED themselves to stay in some swank resort in Newport Beach, where they played golf & Anna got the complete Elizabeth Arden treatment -- including being smeared with green stuff.  She called it her "avacado" look.  We returned on the 30th to find Tim/Bobby very ill, the dogs - Puck & Zamaboni - madder than wet mink coat owners and a notice from the re-fi folks that we had to completely redo the siding on my house and the cottage nextdoor, complete the roof, install rain gutters, trim in the arched window and air conditioner, replace some plumbing in the cottage and paint everything that didn't move.  And it's only 6 days into the New Year.  Oh, also, my birthday is Dec. 29th - so is daughter, Anna's and granddaughter, Tiffany's   (I planned it that way).  I was reminded this evening by Crazy Babs that we have a luncheon coming up to celebrate our combined birthdays.  Yeah, 5 days into the year and already son-in-law Brian has broken his big toe - right foot, and fourth toe - left foot... and he's due to referee MAJOR hockey tournaments all during the next 4 weeks.  Ever seen a ref with a walker on blades?    p.s.  new dog also arrived from one of the Oakland A's players who's been sent somewhere for 8 months and can't take his 1 year old chocolate brown Lab.       Ii've exhausted myself just talking about it all.  Gadzooks... OH - if the Pillsbury doughboy stands in front of you turns around and bends over....what do you see?   ...                   DONUTS!   12:55:36 AM    comment []