Saturday, November 02, 2002

Flying to Mazatlan for Carnival, we ran short of daylight (due to some weasel-faced pin head at Calexico who's jock strap was 9 sizes too small, making his eyes bulge out like a Chiuaua in a vise and giving him one hell of an outlook on life...for that day).  As usual, in tiny airports all over this planet, $20 will get you just about anything you want.  We made it through customs, etc., at Mexicali and made a sunset landing on the gravel strip at Guaymas.  As we came in I could see all the parade floats lining up.  The children were dressed in marvelous costumes.  Everyone was in a party mood -- and so was I...evidently...as I left the magnito switch on, told the gas guy to top it off and climbed into the only cab available for miles around.  I mean EVERYONE was at the parade. The cab driver wanted to take us out onto the peninsula to the gringo hotel... I demanded to be taken into town to any nice, clean hotel that was near the parade route.  The Hotel Rosa!!!  They boys brought up two overstuffed, 1930's chairs from the lobby for our balcony, which overlooked the fountain around which the floats would parade.  One fine lad informed us of a splendid liquor store that even sold pure ice, and we sent him to fetch our evening's refreshments.  Soon, various vendors heard of our encampment and they brought their wares for us to see.  The mercado was now in our bedroom & balcony.  Loco Irene, my wild Italian travel partner, suddenly let out a shriek.  She had looked UP from the bed and discovered that, over THAT bed...the ceiling rose 2 stories -- AND it had a window near the top of one wall.  I mean a BIG window!  The owner came to show us the window was walled in upstairs - they just built the wall right over the existing window.  It became necessary after the earthquake collapsed that little tiny inconsequential part of the hotel.  After everyone left, Irene and I pulled the bed around the corner over by the balcony.  I'm SURE I'm gonna sleep with one eye on that window!  No way.                      The following day we discovered my booboo.  We had to hand-crank the prop to start the engine - I say "we" -- actually, we flipped Irene's two-headed quarter....and I cranked the prop!!!  Since we had no instruments/radio/hangover medicine or ice cold tomato juice, we reviewed the proceedures for landing -- especially @ a non-Engligh speaking airport -- sans contact w/the ground.  Irene would look for traffic, I'd wiggle-waggle, do the fly-overs, etc. and we'd float on in.  I say "FLOAT ON IN" since we weren't positive the guy "topped it off" in Guaymas.  This is how pilots get into real trouble and get real dead.  Well, on arrival at Mazatlan's airport, Irene kept saying, "I don't see anything, I don't SEE anything, I don't see ANYTHING...AT ALL!!!"  Meanwhile, I'm nodding, grinning like an idiot and landing.  Then I see what she's saying.  No planes!  No where!  What tha..?  We were just here 3 months ago.  Then we saw the red Jeep - the one heading right for us up the taxi way - the one with armed soldiers in it.  Okay, now MY problem was... I didn't dare shut off the engine for fear I'd not get it started again.  I didn't want to hang around arguing with a guy who had a big gun poking me in the neck, as I didn't know how much gas I had left. After looking at the girlie crap we had in the back seat, Senior Big Dude decided we were not drug smugglers and told us the new airport opened... 15 miles south of town...last week.  We had to follow the same proceedures at the new airport -- wiggle-waggle, watch out... and we landed.  A small Jeep bearing the message "Follow Me" in 9 languages pulled in front of us to lead us to a tie-down spot near the sparkling new terminal.  THAT'S WHEN I RAN OUT OF GAS!!!  Irene leaped out of the plane and promptly peed her pants...right into her new sneakers.  As we hauled our luggage down the new marble halls, all I could hear was the echoing "squish - squash - squish - squash"   of Irene's shoes.  I tried not to laugh... honest.  Guess I didn't try hard enough to avoid her pointy little elbow jabbing me in the arm, though. On we went: "squish - squash"  "ha-ha" JAB!   "squish - squash"   "ha-ha"   JAB.   4:15:36 PM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions: JABBER - box with a grizzly JABBERWOK - abruptly poke her Chinese cookware JACKANAPES - something you don't want the kids to see at the zoo JACK BEAN -... imble JACK HAMMER - M.C's brother JACK-IN-THE-BOX  - the "Ripper's" funeral JACK-IN-THE-BOXES - the magician's assistant after a failed saw trick JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES  - he belongs to the A.F.L./C.I.O., U.M.W., W.G.A., S.A.G., Teamsters, et al JACCUZI - weapon of choice for car-jackings JAHWEH -  Jay Leno's must run about 40 lbs. JAMBEAU - Bo knows preserves JAM SESSION - a party at Smuckers JAPE - writing a downward-moving hook-letter in the snow                   *************** Have you ever seen a lime green zebra?  Well, I just bought a yard of super fuzzy, lime green zebra material...OF COURSE it's for Nickles' winter sleeping box!!!  No one in their right mind...  ah,  nevermind that.  I also got 4 squares of felt and a deep, sturdy box. I stapled the felt to the part of the flap I didn't cut off and VOILA!  ..the perfect entrance curtain.  He wasn't around, so I sprinkled some of his favorite food inside.  I tucked in an old, flat, worn out camping pillow.  I returned to my house feeling all proud of my efforts.  Within moments the boys (Puck & Zamboni) were making alot of noise.  Yessir, they had the lime green zebra material. I had to holler at them and retrieve the box.  Minor repairs and I had it back in a new  place on the porch & blocked off with lawn chairs.  Anna's @ Heavenly Valley @ that ski patrol thing.  They've been on ski patrol for over 10 years now. Some weird stories come off that hill. Some weird people, too...  Anna & Brian, for two.   3:17:52 PM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S  DICTIONARY definitions: INTERN - where your bait went INTERRED - when you're knee-deep in meadow muffins/road apples/cow pies INTESTINES - an avid tankard collector INVENTORY - Edison's lab INVIOLATE - wearing purple IODIC - indebted to Nixon IRAN - how I responded to the Drill Instructor's command to "run!!!" IRREVERENCE - a strange fetish       helpppp: (ear-reverence) IRRIGATE - the entrance to a Great Lake ISLANDER - a native of a North Atlantic country   (admittingly stretching to Ice-lander) ISODOMUM - I embroidered a chrysanthemum                         ************* Was reminded last eve that, as a newlywed, I was mildly annoying.  One night we were watching tv when I had an urge for rocky road ice cream.  The Victim, wishing to fulfill my every whim, dashed out and drove off toward the nearest store.  It was only 10 p.m.  I was bored.  So, I unplugged the tv (during the days when it went blank at midnight), set all the clocks - including The Victim's watch - ahead three hours, put my hair up in curlers (still did THAT, too), all the while steaming up the bathroom as if I'd taken a long shower.  I turned off the lights and jumped into bed.  Victim was puzzled, aghast when I demanded to know where the heck he'd been the last 3 hours, weirded-out by the loss of time, thinking he was surely going round the bend... then he saw the tv plug on the floor.  He looked glassy-eyed & mumbled only a few days...until I stuck the fake bullet hole on his windshield.  Can't imagine why we split up. 8:11:30 AM    comment []