Sunday, November 10, 2002

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions: KNICKERS - small knockers KNICKKNACKS - what you have a lot of but don't know which one is which KNIGHTHEAD - the john closest to the roundtable KNISH - a turle sneeze KNITS - what knitpickers pick KNOCK TOGETHER - synchroniized door-rapping KNOCK-UP  - action necessary to enter the house via the root cellar door KNOCKABOUT - "A boxing match? Hah!  I've seen rougher ballets!" KNOTWEED - "Honest, it's oregano."                         *************** The looser of a neighborhood cat fight cost my daughter & son-in-law $350.  Weekend vets are MUCH more expensive, you see, because they struggled through by attending school only on Saturdays & Sundays, whilst working the old 9-5 weekdays.  The same might be said for doctors, only none can be found on weekends -- I think they melt!  Or become "one" with a Mashie.  Ever been in the hospital over a weekend?  Once we had to call out for pizza & oxygen.  We ambulatory folk rented our services - slow as they were - to patients who couldn't get up at all.  Once we spotted a nurse & chased her down in the parking lot...only she was a hair stylist still in uniform.  (Yes, they DO wear uniforms... in the south - in the fancy salons.  Not in the dip 'n clip joints California calls a beauty parlor.)  Elizabeth Arden - THAT'S a salon!  I take it back...THAT'S HEAVEN! Oh, by the way - it wasn't Gretzky who got clobbered, it was Nickles.  This is a good place to mention that my crazy cousin Babs' fiance, Anthony, brought home a MINK throw for her cat, Turbo.  Do I need to say the cat's wild for that throw?  I didn't think so...   9:20:19 PM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONAY  definitions: KITTIWAKE - water turbulence created when you toss your cat in the pool KITTY LITTER - what you carry injured felines on KLAVERN - a hand-thrown sculpture of a hillbilly  KLEENEX - a spotless former spouse KLEPTOMANIA - crazy for pedicures    ??  try (clipped-toe-mania)  ah-hah KLIEG LIGHT - a klieg with 50% fewer calories KLUTZ - an ice-skating manuever at the K-mart rink   (K-lutz) KNACK - the last thing left on your knick-knack shelf after the quake KNEADING - a dent in your patella KNEECAP - a beret for your leg joint                     ************ My neighbor, Pat, had HUGE boobs.  She was 120 lbs @ 5'6" and 30 pounds of that was mammarial.  We decided to take golf lessons - a good idea when you live on the 16th tee of the country club you belong to.  I lived across the street in the  "safe" zone - only finding an occasional ball in my yard.  Pat had a collection that filled 4 large terracotta pots on her patio.  Her husband simply dipped into the pots everytime he headed for the course.  Pat made the reservations with the club pro and we arrived appropriately attired.  The first order of business:  was Pat going to swing UNDER 'em or OVER 'em?  Following our lesson - which consisted mostly of hysterical laughter as Pat tried the under/over theories...over, won - the pro sent us out on the back nine with a 7 iron and a putter.  94 strokes (or so) later, we found outselves at the 16th tee.  We slipped through the hedge onto Pat's patio, poured ourselves a litre of Merlot and returned to the task at hand.  Now, the 16th hits away from Pat's house...the 17th hits back toward Pat's house.   So, we played the 17th, slid back thru the hedge for more Merlot, and teed off again.  When removing the flag so she could PUTT the last 60 yards to the hole, I discovered we'd just played the 16th again.  We laughed at our stupidity, played the 17th... slid back for more Merlot... and promptly replayed the 16th.  When we putted out on the 17th (for the 3rd time) and slid back onto her patio, she phoned the pro shop to tell him we were definitely too drunk to drive the cart any further.  From then on, we simply went through the hedge, played 16 & 17, then sat on the patio for a sip or twelve, and waited for clearance to resume 16 & 17.  We never did play the entire course.  Oh, we drove the course.  That Halloween we swiped two carts and went joy riding...til Pat drove into a pond.  We tsk-tsked with the rest as they blamed  the "damn teenagers." The next year, Pat had her own cart and we went trick or treating...with an enormous martini glass (filled w/vodka-collins) - we took extra straws for all the moms who were trekking along.  We managed 2 refills and some hors 'd oeuvres.  Not bad when we didn't even have costumes. 9:22:53 AM    comment []