Monday, November 11, 2002

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY  definitions: KOUMISS - the overthrow of the government occurred in the wrong country KOWTOW - what you need when your Kow breaks down K-RATION  -  driving into a K-Mart sign (krashin') KUDOS - a bubble-blowing cow   (cud-O's) KUDZU - an enclosure for cow drool KULTUR - a trip to the North Pole KUNG FU - what you get on your hands when you play with Kung dung KURDISH - hot dogs  // or // a doghouse satelite LABEL - who chickens keep score of their eggs LABELUM - assign each to a politically correct category LABILE - spew barf all the way down the hall LABOR - a real yawn in the sack LABOR-INTENSIVE - childbirth LABORSAVING - a caeserian section                         ************* I was listening to music (the REAL kind) and cleaning.  I can't believe I did this... I squirted Windex on my hamburger!  I refuse to say exactly HOW I figured it out...  for fear someone would want to know how I knew what Windex tasted like on a sesame seed bun - none of your dang business!  That's about as clever as I get when upset.  My sister though, was able to string together horrid-sounding words, the meaning of which escaped me... since I was 9 and she 11.  SO my "supply of calculating juice was exhausted," I was "addlepated in the mainmast, utterly void of any semblance of brains" and I was also "a super-annuated cackleberry."  In retort, I flung the following GEM: "You dopey!"   Is grabbing her mouth and fleeing a good sign or a bad one?   3:43:55 PM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY  definitions: KNUCKLEBALL - a sphere constructed of finger joints KNURLING - a hockey-like game played with toilet plungers and pig snouts KOALA - the one who helps out when Allah gets too busy KOHLRABI - a religious leader for Israeli miners KOKSAGHYZ - a condition requiring Viagra KOALA NUT - Jeffrey Holder KOMODO DRAGON - a proposed new Olympic event KOODOO - pigeon droppings KOOKABURRA - fry your ass KOPECK - two friends kissing a friend KOR - the thing that holds apple wedges together                           *********** There is one reason...and only one...why I can't be on the tv show Survivor.  I lost my thong bikini.  The really bad new is -- I was wearing it at the time.  No, it didn't break or fall off or get caught on a cocktail umbrella or stick to the plastic beach chair or get ripped off during a fancy dive I do... nope!  IT'S STILL ON ME!  SOMEWHERE!  Excuse me, but I feel an enormous wave of depession welling up.    My friend, Terry, said the only reason she couldn't be on the show was that she can't swim.  She also can't put her toe in the ocean even though she has a condo ON THE BEACH in Mazatlan.  And last time I looked, Survivor had no manicurist, no bartender making Margaritas, no "regular" food - as in, NOT weird fish or Spam or tongue or lamb. And they don't have bagels/ cupcakes/elephant ears/bacon sandwiches/steaks/ coffee or iced tea, either.  And the last time we slept on the ground in sleeping bags was 1985 @ the Strawberry Bluegrass Festival - neither of us walked straight the entire week.  That was also the year it got down to 29 degrees so we wore our sleeping bags most of the day.  Oh the fun of camping out.  In 1986, by the time we got the car packed with all of our comfort-zone goodies, there wasn't any room for the tent & food.     12:00:01 PM    comment []