Saturday, November 16, 2002

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions: LEGIT - run LEG-OF-MUTTON  - attached a dog's prosthesis LEG ROOM - a specific storage area for cryogenic "parts" LEISTER - the one who hands out flower necklaces at Honolulu Airport LEISURE - the dating service promised you an ugly nymphomanic LEMONADE - a benefit concert for sick cars LEMON GRASS - citrus flavored marijuana LEONINE - a score kept on the enclosure of a maneating lion LET DOWN - rent goose feathers LETTERBOMB - "Dear Ralph, I've left you for your sister who, by the way, is also your mother."                            *************** I met Joyce in Houston.  Her husband, Billy Rose, the showman, was extremely ill and in Methodist Hospital.  My dad had a stroke during a "test" & was in Methodist.  My mom's nurse had dropped her (about 3 inches) onto the toilet seat & her back broke -- she was in Methodist.  My stay in Houston had lengthened considerably, so I moved into the Sharpstown condos -- where Joyce had taken up residence.  The difference - I had apartments on the 16th and 7th floors, while Joyce was assigned to the "celebrity" floor - the 12th.  Her daughter, Vicki and I became friends before Joyce returned from Europe...after being chased there my one insane suitor - namely, Iver Studebaker Schmidt.  After Billy died, Joyce married Iver.  They divorced and remarried - as was Joyces M.O.  Her entire, legal name:  Joyce Mathews Gomez Berle Berle Rose Rose Schmidt Schmidt (and finally, Bell...last I heard).  She was very smart in a non-practical way, and ditsy beyond belief.  A "showgirl" by the time she was 15 -- pushed by a freaky stage mother, she married @ 16 -- (pushed by mom) the son of the dictator of Venezuela.  The wedding was the talk of New York - sit-down dinner for 800 @ the Waldorf-Astoria.  Penthouse suite.  While she changed into her "travel clothes" her three ditzier than ever friends- Jacquelyn Susanne, Grace Kelly and Bonny ...I forget - but she married the owner or the Beverly Hills Hotel... brought newspaper clippings up to the suite that chronicled the reign of terror brought upon Venezuela by the "BLoody Gomez's" -  Horrified, Joyce locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out...for 3 days.  (Bellmen were shoving sandwiches to her under the door.)  Within 2 weeks the marriage was annulled.  Soon after, she married Milton Berle, an up and coming comedian.  The second time they wed, they adopted Vicki, who, despite the raging nuttiness surrounding her, managed to become a truly lovely woman.  I believe Joyce loved Milton forever more.  But, he wandered...so she did too... into the mad life of showman, Billy Rose.  The end of their second go-round was when we fell into a conspiracy to do whatever, say whatever, be whatever and laugh til it hurts.   Her NY friends  were doing great and came to Beverly Hills periodically (and husbandless) to get crazy with us.  We'd all check into the Beverly Hills Hotel under the name "Joyce Rose" - that way Bonny could grab the tabs and dump 'em before anyone could tally anything.  Vicki got married at the Hillcrest Country CLub, and we were all in attendance.  I was with sitting with #2 Ex. Looking around the room,  I told him, "You and I are the only people here that I don't recognize!"  That line got me a job writing for Buddy Hackett.  Never typed on toilet paper before... and didn't want to.  Iver once told me, "With Joyce, life changes every other step."  Now, here's WEIRD: my son, Gerry... is married to Iver's daughter!   9:06:03 AM    comment []

THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions: LEFT FIELD - whee a lot of folks come from LEGALESE - language, when and if used, that behooves, eludes, distracts, obfiscates or befuddles the basic, normal usage thereof, to the benefit of a lawyer's pocket. LEGALIZE - perjury LEGAL PAD - the judges chambers LEGATE - (Fr.)  the garden exit LEGATOR - (Fr.)   ze French crocodile LEGEND -  a foot      (at the end of your leg "leg-end"...you have-) LEGENDARY - hip-deep in a vat of mild      ok, just a wee obscure: leg-in-dairy (no booing or hissing allowed!) LEGIONAIRE - depilatory cream for 3,000 to 6,000 Roman infantry troops.                              ******** I had flown out past Reno - near Ely  (don't recall this late how to spell it) looking for some friends from Ft. Bragg.  Naturally, the Looney Italian with the sharp elbows was along.  It was just a quick trip.  No overnight stuff.  Well, we were experiencing some sputtering and nothing I checked/re-checked and looked at again seemed to fix it.  We saw a small gas station - 7,000 miles from nowhere - and decided to land on a dirt roadway just behind it.  No problem.  If you ever hear that folks cannot survive without a brain, please refer them to this place.  His saving grace was that he did have a phone.  We called our friend... he'd come get us & happy to do so.  He also brought a pal who was very familiar with plane engines.  You've heard of fat, dumb and happy?  That was us.  Nice dinner, spent the evening gossiping about folks in Ft. Bragg, slept like the dead, super breakfast, nice ride back to the gas station.  It would've been REALLY nice if the plane had been there.  After about 3 hours, we called FAA to get a fix on the plane.  It certainly was NOT in this area!  But they were checking around.  There it was - in Winnamuka.  The good news was, it HAD to be fixed to get that far.  We were flown to Winnamuka, taken by sheriff to the cafe/bar/etc  where "Joe" was busy making a close-up inspection of the bar surface.  He didn't remember a plane or a car or much of anything.  WE found the plane, flew it about 3 miles, landed on the road behind the bar & told the sheriff we'd recovered the plane.  This was about 2 in the afternoon, so the sudden drum roll and shouting brought me to attention.  And I SWEAR... this is what the guy said as he introduces the day's first stripped:  "Ladies & Gentlemen, here she is... straight from West Yellowstone Montana (is that a step up or a step down in her career), Miss FiFi d'Amore."  I had had two drinks and that's awfully close to my limit of 2 1/2, so the entire thing struck me funny.  The more I laughed, the more folks joined in.  Poor Miss FiFi.  Minutes later most of the bar patrons were outside...still cracking up.  The bartender brought out 3 bottles and a small bucket of ice...then passed out business cards to remind us to pay when we got back inside.  Needless to say, our husbands couldn't get their minds totally around all the facts, but wanted - desperately - to see Miss FiFi's act.    1:09:52 AM    comment []