THE AMERICAN HERETIC'S DICTIONARY definitions:
MILDRED - a liberal Commiie // ; fear of a grist grinder
MILE POST - the longest piece of wood ever milled
MILKWOOD - a sure way to get splinters
MINE SWEEPING - how they get rid of coal dust
MINIMUM - Thumbelina's mother
MINISTER - a prion for midgets
MINUET - a topic of discussion among cannibals
MISCHIEF - a female tribal leader
MISLAY - a snow sled belonging to me (my-sleigh) OR The 2003 Pimp Calender pick of the month
MISSAL - homesick
MISSEL TREE - an ICBM Redwood
MISTAKE - "Getcher grimmy paws offa my sirloin!" (MY-steak)
MOBY DICK - now thought to be a mind-altering veneral disease suffered by Captain Ahab
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I can explain my recent absence. There were several dozen very good reasons why I didn't blog the last few days. It can all be verified, honest. And I'll tell you ALL about it as soon as I get someone to come lift this pan of Gwumpkies I've been cooking, frying, steaming, mixing, boiling, rolling, stuffing and stacking THIS ENTIRE DANG DAY!!! Oh, no. Just noticed my ring is missing. It CAN'T be in one of those Gwumpkies. It just C A N' T !! Not after getting stuck in the elevator at the Hyatt, accidentally checking my cousin OUT of the hotel when all I wanted was a validation for parking, spilling a whole bottle of champagne into the heating vent at the hotel, stuffing my cousin's car keys into my purse as I left.... and being stopped by a cop in the parking garage so the keys could be returned -- (I gave him a SNicker's bar!!! Don't EVEN think I'm cheap. OH...and I almost DIED Monday night after bingo (no, I didn' win). Food poisoning - gran mal food poisoning - even the CAT barfed in sympathy. At one point I woke to discover I was standing against the kitchen sink with my face in disposall hole opening. Do you think maybe I was SO sick I was contemplating swizzlecide? Well, what DO you call death by disposal? Okay, I'll give ya "messy" - I mean the technical term. Patracide (sic) - mattresscide (that's when you inhale 80 pounds of goosedown ticking.) AHA... must be GRINDACIDE! hmmmmm I'd have to lose a WHOLE lotta weight first. Nevermind.
11:42:27 PM 
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