Nuke that Nukel
This will be a bit of a rant, but it’s justified, oh it’s so justified. It all started normally, an NPR program discussing Bush’s speech to the UN. And they liked it, NPR commentators felt that it was politically and tactically brilliant, so who am I to argue. And then they played a piece, just a little tiny itsy bitsy piece. The shock was too intense, and all I remember was that it was something about nucelar weapons.
Now, let’s take it easy, let’s take it carefully I told myself. I mean, who am I? English is not even my second language, so before righteous indignation takes over I will check it out. And I did, yes sir I sure did. Checked it in the unabridged Random House dictionary. But wait, mine is an old edition, so things may have changed. I went on atomica, my favorite online dictionary (found on www.atomica.com). My suspicions were confirmed: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages – there are no nucelar weapons; never existed. What we do have in over abundance (maybe even in Iraq) is NUCLEAR weapons. It’s not completely set in stone, no, no, no! There is a gamut of perfectly (and not so perfectly) acceptable pronunciations. My favorite is the one usually given second: [nyooklear]. The standard would be [nooklear]. Heck, if you are giving a speech in Brooklyn and want to appeal to the masses of little old ladies in green polyester pants and purple hair, pronounce it as [nuklea], see if I care. But NUKELAR in front of the UN???!!! In front of the entire world???!!!!! IT’S EMBARASSING!
Let’s start at the beginning. There is form and there is content. And some people discount form altogether and say that content is the only thing that matters. Really? Try arguing that point with a master chef. No really, try it and then come back and tell me about the experience. If you can still walk that is, if the chef did not break your knees. Anyone with a modicum of sybaritic appreciation knows how crucial food presentation is for the right gastronomic experience. Let’s take it closer to home. Let’s talk about beer. What can be more delightful on a hot day than foaming beer, preferably poured straight from the tap into a large and heavy glass mug… stop the reel. How about we pour that beer into dainty coffee cups eh? Bet it won’t taste the same!
Let’s think about it a different way. People accuse the US for spreading the global economy that stifles local customs and traditions. Not going to argue for or against it, not the time, not the place. There is one thing we’ve been spreading around the world, and that is good hygiene. I don’t know about you, but I am all for lack of body odor, straight teeth and clear complexion. Unlike the ancient Romans we may not be spreading an American Peace, but rather our obsession with cleanliness – hear, hear for TAMPAX AMERICANA! So let me ask you a question. You go on a date, be it a first date or maybe the much more promising and alluring third or fourth date. Hey, you are you, right? The content is the same true? But I bet, I just bet that you take an extra care to wash, scrub and deodorize. You brush, floss and rinse. Then you shave, apply lotion, take care of blemishes and trim unwanted hairs and whiskers in ungainly places. Finally you give a general inspection, giving particular attention to the nether regions just in case things really go your way. And only then do you begin to even think about dressing!
You can go on a date, or a business meeting, or a presentation, or a conference, or whatever in yesterday’s underwear, reeking of BO and morning breath. It will still be the same you won’t it? But dare you suggest that you will achieve the same results?
So when the putative leader of the free world is standing in front of that free (and not so free) world, trying to convince it to go this way or another, let’s make sure that not only what he says, but also how he says it commands respect. I know they did not teach “nucelar” in Yale, damn it. I appeal to any person with authority to intervene and fix the situation as soon as possible. Where will salvation come from? Parents have authority over their children, regardless of how old the children are. Maybe the next time our President vacations in Maine, Mrs. Barbara Bush, for whom I have great respect as a human being can give her son a piece of her mind. She should use the idiom that works best on errant children: “Why can’t you be more like Dick? He had 5 heart attacks, and he does not say “nucelar!” Why can’t you be more like Colin? He grew up in the Bronx, and he speaks perfect and eloquent English!”
If we wish to lead the world, we must command respect. If we wish for others to accept our judgments, we should be like the God in the Machine, descending upon the stage, ending all dispute and dispensing justice, not stumbling from Stage Left, tripping over our genitalia.
2:33:13 PM 
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