paulapalooza's recommended reading and such

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 07:55:49 GMT

Rent

I went to see Rent tonight and it was wonderful. Maybe you've read "Of Pugs and Viking Funerals"; maybe not. But I sat and thought about Suzanne and Jesse all through the movie. And I cried my eyes out.

Suzanne's birthday is tomorrow.

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 17:16:10 GMT

Statement of Belief

Writing a statement of belief was difficult. I know the things I believe, but there are so many things I'm trying to believe or trying to find out if I believe. So far in my life I have had a blind faith-- I believe because. I've never tried to qualify why I believe it, but in the process of filling out paperwork and writing essays I find that I'm not sure why I believe what I believe.

And I find that my Presbyterian doctrine has been challenged and made me question things. People around here will argue until they are blue in the face that the bible is LITERAL. If the bible is to be understood LITERALLY, why am I even thinking about becoming an Ordained Minister of the Word and Sacrament?

The bible tells us quite a bit about women in the ministry:

1 Corinthians 14: 34 -35: "Women should remain silent in the assemblies. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the assembly"

1 Timothy 2: 11 - 12: A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent

I believe in God. I believe that Jesus loves me and died for me. I believe that the Holy Spirit surrounds me. I believe that, for whatever purpose, God has called me and is calling me. I believe it is for Him to know where He wants to use me, and I refuse to put limitations on His call because of words.

But to try and put that into words is very difficult. As for literal interpretations of the bible, and people who would challenge my "right" to serve as an ordained minister, I would ask things like, "What did you have for dinner last night?" "When did you last get a haircut?" "When was the last time you celebrated the Passover or made a burnt offering?" I would question them as to whether or not it is okay to just pick and choose what we want to interpret literally.

But it is not for me to judge, or to tell others how to believe or how to read the bible.

So I will just say, "I believe."

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 16:30:48 GMT

I just read the coolest thing and it has to do with all my posts for the past week, so I wanted to share it:

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 21:54:10 GMT

Perhaps the best thing to write was my "Brief Statement of Faith." I know this is a process, and surely I will change this as I change and grow, but here is what I submitted:

3) Write a brief statement of your personal faith describing what you believe about God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and your relationship to them.

I believe in one Triune God; one God experienced and revealed to us in three ways:

God the Father, Creator, the God of Abraham and Isaac. A covenant God who is steadfast. A God who is intimately close and yet infinitely more than we can know. A Father who loves his children and desires our worship. A God of grace.

God the Son, Jesus Christ, the Messiah. Fully God and Fully Human. A King who was born of humble beginnings. A God made flesh to be with us and live among us; who loved us so much He gave his own blood to cover our sins and grant us eternal life. A savior who is a friend.

God the Spirit, the Holy Ghost. The great comforter who gives gifts of the ministry to all the believers and stirs us to action. A Spirit that calls us to serve and love and fills us with the tools to do so. A spirit of communication as we pray and study the Word.

I believe that the bible is the Word of God. I believe that all Scripture is God-breathed so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work (2 Tim 3:16, 17). I believe that the Word is experienced wholly through study with other believers.

I believe in salvation through faith. I believe that if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved (Rom 10: 9 – 10).

I believe that an understanding of God's infinite Grace has brought me to action and that I can do nothing but serve Him with my whole heart and whole life.

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 13:45:16 GMT

The Questions

2) Describe briefly your understanding of what it means to you to be an inquirer. Please include the most important events, experiences, and persons that have prompted you to become an inquirer.

I feel that becoming an inquirer is a chance for me to declare my calling and begin a process towards ordination. It is making a commitment to the entire process, not just for me, but for my family as well.

For me to be an inquirer does not mean that I am just now hearing God’s call for ministry and answering it, because I feel God has called me to all of the ministries I have previously served, and ordination is just the next step along the way.

For a long time I felt unworthy of being ordained. I loved serving God, but I didn’t think He could possibly use a sinner such as me in the pulpit or in full time ministry. Over time I have learned that God can especially use a sinner such as me, because in my own weaknesses His strength is evident.

One of the nominal events in discerning my call was when I found out about the suicide of my youth pastor. I always looked up to him and admired his teaching and preaching. He supported me during the turbulent teen years, and in my service to youth ministry I always used him as an ideal for my relationships with the youth and for my teaching the Word. He was easygoing and super fun, but always worked God and Jesus into the experience. He opened up the scriptures to me and with his guidance I began to enjoy them and find life application within the words. When he committed suicide, it was the first time I realized that he didn’t understand his own worth to so many of my friends and so many youth after me. It may seem ironic, but his death was especially meaningful to me because I realized that even though I suffer from depression, I can still be useful to God’s ministry. Shortly after his death I received affirmation after affirmation from youth that I have served over the years. I realized that God could use me, and indeed has been using me ever since my late teens.

I also have received many affirmations from the pastors I have served with over the years. Not only have they given me verbal praise, but have allowed me to lead in many aspects of the ministry. With the guidance of Pastor * of the United Methodist Church in *, CT, I became a licensed Lay Speaker. I found much fulfillment in preaching several times, and gained confidence in that skill. He provided constant encouragement to discern my call.

When I returned to Kansas, I was allowed to lead in many ministries at First Presbyterian Church in *. Not only was I encouraged to preach, but I was entrusted with the Children’s Ministry program. Reverend Danny * and Reverend Joyce * have been very supportive and very encouraging with my discernment process. I truly admire their work at my church and love to be around them. They have a thorough understanding of the way the Presbyterian Church works, and with their guidance I have seen our church transform over the past six years. I love the way they have provided education for our congregation and encouraged spiritual growth; I feel our Elders and Deacons are now much more validated in their work, and the officers are treated with dignity and respect.

My most recent affirmation that I should follow the call into ministry was in being hired by the First Presbyterian Church in * to develop their youth ministry program. I absolutely love my job and feel fulfilled in what I do every day. I love being part of a ministry team, and Lay Pastor Diane * and Reverend Roland * are very enthusiastic and supportive as I begin the journey towards ordination.

Why is it that I have to use so many words to answer a question like that? The question itself was quite loaded -- there was a lot to cover. So as I look back over it I suppose there isn't any extraneous blathering.

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 03:54:51 GMT

The Questions

Okay, there is a set of questions in the application to become an Inquirer that I will be posting, one at a time, with my answer. As I look back on them they are flowery, over-done answers, but how do you answer a question like, "Describe yourself as a person" anyway? Hmmmm? Honestly now. So I may or may not post the answer I would have liked to submit as well.

Questions for Reflection

Reflect on and write responses to the following questions:

1) Describe yourself as a person.

I am a pilgrim. Always seeking, always learning, and trying my best to serve the Kingdom, I continuously discover new things about myself. I make lots of mistakes, but I try to learn from them. Lately I have been enjoying the wisdom that has come through many difficult times, and appreciating the perspective that age has granted.

I am a peacemaker and believe that peace starts right where you are. I try to cultivate peace in all of my relationships. I provide mediation for people in disagreement and seek to resolve conflicts. I have learned that sometimes people will disagree, but that doesn’t mean they can’t get along.

I am a lover of God’s Creation. I truly love others and seek to make the world a better place for them. I want to serve God in everything I do, and I try to let all my actions be ruled by love. I want to “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute” as it says in Proverbs 31:8. I also love the earth and seek to protect it through recycling and conservation.

Okay -- pretty flowery. A little embarassing. And I haven't been recycling lately to boot. I guess another way to state it would be:

I'm a disorganized, sometimes depressed, always-cheerful conundrum.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up in a nutshell. Which answer should I have put on my application?

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 14:11:19 GMT

As Planned

Okay, about a month ago I posted that I would be posting my application to become and Inquirer and then, NOTHING HAPPENED. So I'm picking back up where I left off.

To begin with, let me state that acknowledging the CALL personally is much easier than acknowledging the call publicly. And anyone who has received a call, and has been reluctant in admitting it, can profess the difficulty in acknowledging the call personally.

To become Ordained in the PCUSA, one must first be taken "under care" by their local congregation. After that, if the applicant desires, they must be taken in as an "Inquirer" under the Presbytery. In my case, I was taken under care by our local church way back in September. Being taken under care means that the church supports and encourages you in your efforts, and will do whatever they can to support you -- by providing food, childcare, financial aid -- whatever.

When I requested to be taken under care by my local church, I thought I was officially an "Inquirer." I had completed most of the application to become an Inquirer and felt completely prepared. As I mentioned before, the application was extremely long.

I soon learned that had only taken the very first tiny step of becoming and Inquirer. After much confusion, I learned that I needed to have our session notify the clerk of the Presbytery that I had been taken under care. Coincidentally with that, I would send in my application to the Presbytery and receive notification of a scheduled interview with the Committee on Preparation for Ministry (CPM).

Because I did not know this, none of the notification was done and none of the sending in was done until the beginning of this month.

Just last night I received my notification of my interview with the CPM. I must say, it was a little nerve-wracking. I don't get nervous very easily, and I'm quite nervous. Maybe that's because it has just been so frustrating along the way and this is where I should have been back in September. I don't know. In any case, the interview is scheduled for 1:00 PM on a Monday, and I teach until noon on Mondays. No body asked me when it would be possible to meet, and no body asked if 1:00 would be a good time for me. It just so happens that the meeting is in the closest city, which is an hour away from here, so if I make it on time it will be divine intervention. And the office where we are meeting is clear across the city so I guess it is more like an hour and a half to be honest.

Perhaps I could let my students go a little early to allow for more time for travel. The class is at the community college here, and the students truly would not mind getting a little more "study time."

I need to put this in God's hands. Which is where it should be anyway.

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 14:16:17 GMT

Well, because I need to have my complete application into the Presbytery by Nov. 1st, I am now sitting down to complete the remainder of it and fed-ex it off to the appropriate persons. I really need to learn not to put things off until the last minute. Maybe that's the most important thing to work on right now.

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 14:59:22 GMT

I went to sleep last night with the thought of my dear friend Dawn on my mind. Her best friend Michael is experiencing a deep pain right now -- his mother died last night. It's terribly hard when a close friend is hurting so badly. It's hard to try and offer comfort because they may be experiencing something that you've never been through.

My best thoughts are that she should just be near him; she could find someone else to take care of her family for a couple of days and just be with him. I remember times when my friends were just there -- they didn't have to say or do anything. Just having them there was what counted.

What has helped you through times of great sadness and loss? I try to drop everything else in my life and just offer my presence. I don't talk much or try to take up time: I'm there just in case. My dear husband did that for me when my father died. He was just close. He ran errands. He reminded me to eat and to bathe. He stood close, but didn't say much and that was okay. He couldn't understand what I was feeling, but his presence assured me that he was hurting because I was hurting.

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 13:37:55 GMT

There are some kinds of sadness that never go away.

One is the deep sorrow you feel when you lose a parent. It is renewed every time you celebrate a victory, when you have a question you need answered, or when you have a problem to solve. My dad's been gone near 14 years now, and the sadness, though not present every day, lingers and tugs at my heart on a morning when I'm deep in thought.

Another is the sorrow you feel when you lose a peer. It is accompanied by a sense of guilt when you celebrate another birthday or pass a milestone in life. Knowing that you are enjoying the things they will never experience, and that your friend's family will never celebrate with them only brings the sadness closer to the surface. Suzanne's been gone almost 11 years to date, and I still feel a stirring in my heart on crisp fall mornings, or when I hear a song I listened to with her.

The sadness you feel when you lose a mentor is deep. No matter the distance between you when your teacher or leader dies, your memories rush to the present and you carry their words and lessons in front of you like a banner. This morning I awoke to the alarm playing "Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver and I was transported back to a campfire in the rocky mountains when I sat singing the same song with my youth pastor Paul. I remember the soft orange glow on my friends' faces and the beautiful harmony his wife Nancy added to the music. The sadness I dredged up is sharp, and riddled with questions about his death -- a complete disbelief still hovers around his suicide.

There are some sadnesses I have yet to experience. I've yet to lose my mother or my sibling; I've never lost a spouse. The worst sadness must come from losing a child: it would be a pain that is sharper than anything. I think about the parents who have lost their children and the incredible courage with which they drag themselves out of bed each morning. I can't help but to think of that image on the front of Newsweek after the Oklahoma City bombing. It was a fireman carrying out the broken body of a little girl named Braylie. My daughter was the same age as Braylie, and I still cling to my 11 year old when I think of that day.

Sadness is like your shadow: you always have it, but you can forget it is there unless it catches your eye. Sometimes, when the sun is behind you, it's impossible to forget about your shadow; it looms monstrously in front of you and you can't escape it or ignore it.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 14:30:12 GMT

RIP

Dusty

Sometime in 2003 -- Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005

he was a good little dwarf hamster

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 15:07:40 GMT

Bump in the Road

Okay, the road to ordination is a little longer than I expected. Let me rephrase that: the little on-ramp to the Inquiry overpass is longer than I thought. I mentioned earlier that my application for Inquiry was 5 pages long: it is actually 40 pages long. Yes, 40 pages. So as you can well imagine, I've been immersed in completing that project. Most of the writing is finished. The rest is just filling out forms like, "How will you pay for seminary?" and things for other committees to fill out after I have been interviewed. However, the four pages not included in the above stated 40 pages, is the three page "Application to Attend a Non-Presbyterian Seminary." Seriously.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 17:53:59 GMT

The Road to Ordination

Among other things I will be writing about in the future will be my road to Ordination in the Presbyterian Church (PCUSA). I am just entering the "Inquiry Phase" wherein I discern my call and begin my seminary education.

The application for Inquiry is five pages long, and there are over ten essays to write. I will be sharing the questions (what I would have liked to answer, and what I actually did answer) over the next couple of days.

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 06:01:39 GMT

Eerie.

Just read the first two paragraphs.

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 23:35:30 GMT

Obituary

Some day I hope to have an obituary as hilarious as this one. I read it twice, and kept checking to make sure it was a real newspaper and it is. I don't think I've ever read a better one, have you? Not that I'm a regular reader of obituaries, but if I was, I still don't think I'd read many like it.

Thanks to Reverend Mommy for this link, who in turn, thanked Church Lady Chronicles for the link.

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 03:43:54 GMT

My Afternoon With Mma Ramotswe

I've never been to Botswana, but if I did the first person I'd look up would be Precious Ramotswe, the owner of the Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency. When I found her at the Tlokweng Road Speedy Motors office in Gabarone, I'd beckon to her, using the traditional Setswana greeting of "Ko Ko" and hope that she'd invite me in for some red Bush Tea.

I wonder what questions I might ask her. I wonder if she would be too busy to see me. Probably not, considering business is not all that "busy." I would enjoy meeting her fiance, Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni, and might ask him some questions about a vehicle.

I would most definitely tell her that the stories about her investigations and the problems she has solved have given me hours of levity. I would tell her that the books came highly recommended by my favorite literature professor from college. I would most certainly let her know that I cannot get enough of the books, and that I hope there are plenty more to come.

Mma Ramotswe will find it interesting to know that the books about her agency are the first really "modern" best sellers I have read in a long time. I would let her know that I wish things were as simple in America as they are in Botswana. I would let her know that I completely understand her pride in her country.

Lastly, before I departed to drink in the Kalahari, I would spend a goodly amount of time discussing our dearly departed fathers: mine, Mr. T.L. Daniel; and hers, Mr. Obed Ramotswe. She would surely say of my father, "He was a good father. And that is something you can be proud of. You can think about that when you get sad and you will feel better."

The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency, Tears of the Giraffe, Morality for Beautiful Girls, The Kalahari Typing School for Men, and The Full Cupboard of Life by Alexander McCall Smith

----- Highly Recommended

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 17:11:35 GMT

BTK and Deodorant

They aren't really related at all, but I did have thoughts about both things.

First of all, I have never gone on any kind of a political rant on my site. I have always attempted to present information on my family's odd goings on or my opinions about film, literature and music.

BUT --

I have heard time and time again that the "BTK is the worst serial killer of our time" and I think that's bunk. He is a disgusting, terribly evil man, but by serial killer standards, hardly the worst.

And this is coming from a girl who grew up under the cloud of the BTK. I remember being huddled in a tent on my first girl scout overnight (it was when I was a brownie scout, and it was a one night try-it sort of deal), terrified that the BTK was going to come and kill me. Not only that, he was going to burn, torture and kill me. And maybe all of my tent mates. Afterall, he had killed one little girl already. There was speculation while I was growing up (by criminal profilers) that the BTK probably lived in the same neighborhood as my family, and that added to my fear.

But I am sick to death of this publicity. I have heard people justify all the media attention by saying, "Americans deserve to know what true evil is." That's a lousy excuse because we are witnessing true evil all the time: just research Saddam Hussein , al-Qaeda, or on a different level John Couey.

Americans have a sick fascination with things like this and I wonder if it isn't indicative of some deeper problems. Dennis Rader is probably basking in all this media attention and feeling completely fulfilled that his terrible crimes and sick sexual fantasies are now public knowledge. We should be more sensitive to the victims and their families by turning a deaf ear to this terrible man and his disgusting, deplorable deeds.

On another topic altogether, my friend Bob told me about a boy who had been taunted at school by peers, telling him that he smelled bad. The boy put deodorant oll over his body, and eventually died from the toxicity of the deodorant. So I'm thinking it is time for an intervention for Thing Two. I think I'll encourage him to limit the deodorant to his armpits.