The Joke

The Truth about the men in my life:

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

Dad: definitely.  The only ones HE tells me he emails to me, too.

Hubby: no, he gets most of his from some other guy who either reads them from Playboy or who gets them off the internet and e-mails them or spouts them in the bar over beers.

At Christmas, it’s understood that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

Dad: definitely.  Went through 10 strands for us this Christmas, but then, Dad’s an electrical engineer.  Checks all plugs and extension cords, too.

Hubby: not his thang, being a civil engineer.

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

Nope, not a moral dilemma.  They both tend to use a logic tree to determine outcome.

Dad: date driven – is it the anniversary or no?

Hubby: has it been a while?  Is she depressed?

If yes, send flowers.  If no, continue until next decision box on calendar flow chart.

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

Dad: definitely

Hubby: watching scenery through the viewfinder on digital camera or videocam

While in college, you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

Dad and Hubby: Spring Break? What’s that?  (both went to a rather intense engineering school – Spring Break was not an option)

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

Both.  Surprised these two don’t write manuals.

You are always late to meetings.

Neither.  Painfully time sensitive creatures.

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

Both.

Dad gives play-by-play color.

Hubby speculates on plane construction.

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

Hubby:  Definitely, as well as CD washer and USB hub.

Dad:  Mom doesn’t know what end is up on computer; he’ll buy it for himself and tell her it her present to him.

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

Dad: Monty who?

Hubby: Weird, aren’t they? (He’s more likely to collect Willie Nelson, Jimmy Buffet music and Carl Hiassen books.)

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

Nope.  Neither are speedy typists.  Handwriting is so-so.  They tend to print a lot rather than write.

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

Nope.  As long as you don’t mind them printing in both directions and lots of floating chicken-scratching.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

Dad: Definitely.  He now knows better, after one swat too many.

Hubby: You got your hair cut?

You forgot to get a haircut…for 6 months.

Nope.  Painfully time sensitive.  Five weeks or less between cuts.

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

Both.

Dad gives play-by-play color on electrical operation.

Hubby speculates on ride construction.

You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

Dad: Dilbert who?

Hubby: can you email me the link to that Dilbert site?

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

Both.  Shameful squirreling away of potential repair resources.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

Nope.  Not enough data available from on-line people to call it a relationship.

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

Dad: Definitely.

Hubby: If it’s on sale only.

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

Both.  Shameful repurposing of anything, including baling wire, twine and chewing gum.

You know what http:// actually stands for.

They don’t.  Unfortunately, I do.

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.

Nope.  Neither.  If they have to put it together, it probably cost too much.

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

Dad: definitely.

Hubby: No, bad form for managers. (Good boy!)

You see a good design and still have to change it.

Both.  Very bad if they try to twink each other’s work. 

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

Depends.  More than on the band, far less than on the diamonds (it’s an investment!).

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

Both.  Definitely.  Scary.

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

Dad: These people need to get the recommended 7.5 hours of sleep each night!

Hubby: thinks it means it’s time to order another round of Diet Cokes.

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

Dad: if it weren’t for Mom, he would.

Hubby:  No, bad form for managers.  (Good boy!)

You window shop at Radio Shack.

Ooh, aah.  Yes, definitely both of them.

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

Dad:  Don’t know why your mom is looking at the moon, she’s missing the satellite!

Hubby: sometimes, depends on whether he thinks he’ll get the “whole enchilada” or no.

You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is.

Both.  Don’t get them started by asking.

Your checkbook always balances.

Both.  I hate this.  And they do it in their heads before even putting pen to paper.

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Nope.  These two are painfully thrifty, evaluating performance by gigahertz, throughput and gigabytes per dollar.

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

Dad: Mom has a clue, but could care less.

Hubby: Hell yeah I know, and he feels free to ask my opinion.  I’ve got a vested interest.

Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.

Dad: Definitely.  Just ask him for a phone number or address of any relative some time; he’ll punch it up from his mega-watch.

Hubby: Nope.  Doesn’t wear a watch, uses his cell phone or PDA to tell time.

You've already calculated how much you make per second.

I’ve never checked, but I’m absolutely certain they know.

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Both.  Absurdly, they both see it as a test of their manhood to fix everything.  And they’ll use $10 of materials to fix this radio.