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Thanks!

11:51:53 PM    comment []

A shout-out to all my friends, some of you here and some of you there, contacting me in comments or by phone or by email.  You've all been so supportive; I appreciate it greatly.  Maybe that last post was a bit more powerful than I intended...

No worries, really, nothing we can't somehow wade through here.  It's not fun stuff, a very high stress level here in the house, but there are far worse things that people could have to deal with any given day.  I want to vent about the situation but I can't -- not divorce, not health or immediate family issues -- but it does affect my household and I don't know what will come of it.

If I say too much, someone might misunderstand the context and could be hurt -- not necessarily emotionally or physically, but in some other manner.  There may also be some boundaries related to legal or fiduciary responsibilities; I really don't want to talk with anyone at the SEC any time soon.  At least not unless I'm the one placing the call.

It'll be okay.  It's just crazy-making.  I'm going to be undercover, incognito, pseudonymously yours for a while longer.  Maybe by the time I "come out", this fork-in-the-road will be nothing but an amusing anecdote that I can blog about.

Thanks ever so much, really!

11:49:20 PM    comment []

There have been days when I’ve come very close to leaking out the truth.  Not that I don’t write truthfully here; if anything, this blog is some of the most honest stuff I’ve done in my life.  I’ve completely let my hair down here, bared much of my soul.  It’s been cathartic to have a place where I can pad about in the fluffy bunny slippers of my soul, not be bound to social norms of propriety and stuffiness.

No pantyhose here, no high-heeled pointy shoes with the accompanying stilted and formal attitude.  Kick off the shoes and put your feet on the coffee table here.  Loll about, make slurpy noises with your beverage of choice.  Simply be.

But there are things I keep to myself that I’ve not shared here.  The risk of hurt to others keeps me from being entirely candid.  I’ve probably stepped over that line a few times already; I’ve found myself lying in bed in the deep of night wondering whether somebody has found what I’ve said and taken it too seriously or misinterpreted it or simply taken it too personally.

Hence the continuing anonymity.

Unfortunately, I’m at a fork in the road right now.  My life has come to something of a halt, hovering between going to the left or to the right.  It’s awkward, messy, indeterminate – and I’m not one to revel in ambiguity.  At some point, things will move solidly one direction or the other and forward we’ll go.

In the mean time, I resist the intense urge to lay this all out, outline all the conflicts, the painful issues, point out all the balls hovering in the air waiting to drop.  I hold back the pain of frustration, fighting the urge to reach for the catharsis of writing.  There won’t be any resolution here, until the fork has been made, the turn has been taken.

I try to tell myself in the mean time: there is no spoon.  It’s all an illusion that we were ever headed any particular direction, that here and now is all there is, that there is no spoon to be bent or fork in the road to negotiate.  I’m consoled for a moment.  Only for here and now.

But damn that fork anyhow.

7:07:34 AM    comment []