In an effort to avoid anything to do with Good Morning Miami, I switched over to CSI where I found myself in the middle of a storyline involving blood-sucking-drug-crazed-cheerleaders.

Way.

To their credit, this is a plot twist I've yet to see on Law and Order. Other than that, the show is like watching Thai Shadow puppets, the characters are all so uptight and one-dimensional in their quest for Justice and Morality.

The older lead guy especially seems to enjoy fucking with the heads of his assistants, leading them on with platitudes and teasers to prove how Wise he is and the Master of His Domain. No wonder he works in a morgue, dead people can't get up and walk away.

What happened to the Las Vegas angle? We can see blood-sucking-drug-crazed cheerleaders anywhere. I want to see Siegfreid and Roy stuck under a black light and checked for signs of life. Their Sprint commercial looks DOA.

10:08:18 PM    sro home /

"What was that all about?"

"Search me."

"I thought it was a comedy then it turned into this weird soap opera."

"Gays of Our Lives."

"Generally Hostile."

"Do you think Will is a major drama queen because he's gay or because he's living over his means? He never works."

"Duh. It's TV."

"Jack doesn't either."

"He can barely talk, let alone work."

"I like the Lesbo stuff though."

"Too bad Grace doesn't go for it."

"Now that would be cool."

"I Love Lesby."

"Licky Lickardo."

"Will could be Fred."

"Jack could be Ethyl."

"Karen could be Little Licky."

"Oops. Then it might be funny"

"Despite the baby."

"Traitor."

"It's not treason when it makes no sense."

9:50:23 PM    sro home /

My mother occassionally forwards me e-mails she's received from one of her friends. Her friends apparently are Erma Bombeck or the writers at Hallmark, the e-mails being hoaky feel-good lists of sayings. Usually the kind of thing you might find printed across pictures of kittens or sunsets, "Stop and take time to appreciate life's pleasures because later, you can't." Bummer.

It's a fine line between sounding cheerful and trying to make you feel like a Superficial Asshole. If you're leaning towards the much-more-glamorous S.A. option, it sticks you at the end with the Chain Letter Effect which is a guarenteed Buzz Kill. Basically this clause states you need to forward the e-mail to ten of your closest friends and if you don't, you're a loser. Oh, ok, I'll get right on it. Right after I end Global Warming.

I rarely send e-mails at all and wouldn't subject Jesse Helms to this stuff (ok, maybe Jesse). She's even sent me some that offer cash incentives, claiming for every one I send I'll get a check for like, $8,000,000 in three weeks. If I don't, well, let's just say I shouldn't go outside alot.

Once I got one that I thought was particularly offensive. It was shortly after 911 and everything was a Touchy Subject and the e-mail she'd forwarded was intended to be some kind of Patriotic Humor that just came off racist and unneccessary. I replied, to everyone who got the first mail, natch, and received several ugly and nasty answers.

So much for "Put yourself in someone else's shoes, just for today!". I was as un-wanted as Anne Coultier at a Madonna Concert and learned my lesson. When my mother sends one now, the guilt begins the second I see it in my Mailbox. I'm afraid if she checks to see if I delete them. The last one started with the show-stopping "Time gets better with age". That opening number is pretty hard to beat. I decided to sign off and wait in the lobby where I could just have a Dunhill.

4:42:03 PM    sro home /

I rarely read the Los Angeles Times for Hard News, prefering to find out the Big Stuff on the Internet. However, like any good small town gazette, the L.A.T. does put a unique spin on local events.

Today there was an article about a recent contest for Hunky Santa 2002 at a popular mall called the Beverly Center. The Beverly Center was the mall where the American Idol contestants were shown buying outfits for the show and their choices would be a fair sampling of the mechandise. The building itself is Early 80's architecture, the escalators stuck to the outside in clear tubes for example, and doesn't have all the DisneyWorld trappings that are currently in Mall Vogue.

Unless this contest qualifies. Apparently as a clever marketing ploy, during Christmas they're having a Hunky Santa available at night for photos. Santa 2002 shaves his chest, is tan and wears Armani sunglasses. Explain that to your kids.

The article mentions about six times that the clientel at the B.C. is very gay and I'm certainly all for replacing Imaginary Icons with musclemen. My short list includes not only Santa, but the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy as well. Eventually with a little imagination, the whole concept could be applied to entire Themes. Straight people have whole-heartedly embraced acting like an idiot on Halloween and I think both Arbor Day and Columbus Day could use a make-over.

I'm not, probably to noone's surprise, unfamiliar with the Hunky Santa concept. Two years ago I went to a Christmas party where there was already a Hunky Santa, sitting on his HS Throne and available for pictures when you sat on his lap. I'm a big guy but was game for a pic, natch, grinning like Tiny Tim after a spree at Toys 'R Us.

The Hunky Santa chosen this year certainly has appropriate qualifications. Buff cater/waiter, ex-Chippendale dancer, the naughty/nice list stored on his PalmPilot. Last year's Hunky Santa got an agent from the gig and I bet his stirring rendition of "Ho Ho Ho" was the clincher.

I don't see myself going to see Hunky Santa although if I do, you'll certainly hear about it. In the meantime, I'm carefully planning my choice for cookies and milk to leave when he comes on Christmas Night and will certainly try to be very very nice.

2:00:46 PM    sro home /

Now that my blog has become a bigger part of my life, naturally people I know are curious and have been visiting. This has brought up several issues and causes of concern on my part.

1. What if, despite the umbrella of literary license, they take issue with the way I've recorded events?

2. What if they decide I'm legally insane and gather a group of people to "intervene" before forcing me into an unmarked van and whisking me off to a small (but luxurious) loony bin?

3. What if they take it personally?

Therefore I decided to institute a Responsibility Clause, somewhere between the warnings you see on Porn Sites and the Miranda Act:

You are under scrutiny for being involved in my life. You have the right to remain silent but anything you say can and will be used in my writings. Should you need an attorney and cannot afford one, I will be more than willing to go on Judge Judy. By continuing to read my blog, you are certifying your curiosity has the best of you and you get secret glee from feeling involved, minimal as your involvement probably is.

There. Now I feel unfettered by concern or guilt and after some coffee and a few smokes, plan to exercise my newfound freedom.

11:15:40 AM    sro home /