10:17:34 PM    sro home /

I got an Emergency E-Mail from the Reverse Cowgirl ordering me to turn on Blind Date because they had their first "Gay Blind Date". It isn't exactly my normal viewing but who am I to refuse the Premiere Glamazon of the Blogging Universe?

The two guys were very L.A. and if you came to the show late, you might have thought it was the first meeting of Siegfreid and Roy. "Omid" was a painfully skinny hairdresser. Gee, that's original. The second guy was a blond, Scott, who claimed to write "romance novels" though at the end they said he was an accountant. Personally, I'd have stuck with accountant.

I wouldn't let either one touch my head or balance my books but then again, I'm not that desperate for a date. It may be a Side Effect of Gaydar but the second I saw Omid I knew this date was doomed. Omid was a scrawny nelly hairdresser who freely admitted to doing drag every Halloween. That was the good stuff. When he pulled out the New Age hooey, I was ready to slap the shit out of him.

Scott was a Big Girl in a Man's body, all eye-rolling and lip pursing like he was a lead in Heathers. It came to light that he'd been married - to a woman! - which was an endless source of fascination for Omid. Uh, wasn't this Married-then-Gay Thing new, oh, about twenty years ago? Hello.

Their two activities were one, to go boating and two, to take a lie detector test, possibly the last two things I'd do at gunpoint let alone on a date. What was Blind Date thinking? Sports and Telling The Truth. Right.

Scott obviously felt he was out of Omid's league, which he was though that's not saying alot. I thought the same about me being out of Scott's league so I can't really blame him. I think Queers are different about this stuff than straight people are. Straight men just want any sex they can get. Straight women want a man who's a prospective Mate for Life. Gay men want someone they can fuck but feel comfortable going to brunch with the next day. It's a thin line.

Anytime friends in the past have tried to fix me up, it's ended ugly. The flaw in the logic always begins with the assumption we'll like each other because, well, we're gay! Yes, I have legs too but I don't want to fuck my dining room table.

The whole prospect of opening up these shows to Queers raises alot of issues. Yes, it's nice for people to realize we date and have romantic ideas just like Breeders do. The flip side is awkward, cloying banter is pan-sexual and that's a secret I'd rather just keep in the closet.

7:30:49 PM    sro home /

I'm fortunate to count among my friends Simon Doonan who is the Creative Director and head of Window Display for Barney's. Simon and I met over 15 years ago when I was a Young Man About Town in Manhattan and we went to the same gym. At that time, Barney's hadn't become the chain of extraordinarily expensive department stores it is today. There was only one store, on Seventh Avenue in Chelsea, and it was more akin to a large-ish boutique than the Neiman-Marcus-like proportions it has now. Even then however, the Barney's windows were infamous for their edgy subject matter and scathing wit, a style that Simon championed and elevated to Iconic status.

I actually didn't know who Simon was when we met, as he hadn't gained the notoriety he currently holds. Since then, he's written a book, won Major Fashion Awards, has another book on the way and has an on-going column in the New York Observer.

I last saw him around two months ago here in LA while I was having lunch at a popular boutique called Fred Segal. FS is even more outragously priced than Barney's and caters to a fickle and un-naturally wealthy clientel, i.e. the young Hollywood Elite. I was eating with my friend B. Billiard, swigging down some food and a bottle of Bubbly before going inside to buy clothes for B.

B. is, quite bluntly, the perfect Pamela Anderson clone and has made quite a huge amount of money on the Internet running her own website where you can pay to watch her cavort nude (sometimes with friends) in her "I Dream of Jeannie"-esque bachelorette pad.

I'm used to getting attention (due to my height) but B. gets literally stared at by everyone, male and female alike. Often I assume it's because people actually think she is Pamela Anderson. Sometimes it's because of her, uh, voluptuous figure. Mainly it's that she just has "that look", that quality that makes her appear Larger Than Life. She is an Uber-Glamazon and what could be more fun than that?

Simon was hypnotized by her and while he was glad to see me, spent most of our conversation scanning B. from head to foot in awe. B., suprisingly enough, got a little shy and I found myself in the position of being interpreter/press agent, explaining to both of them where the other was situated in the Big Picture. It was great seeing Simon and the timing couldn't have been better, the two eras of my life colliding in a Perfect L.A. Moment.

In NYC, a friend of mine who's an illustrator was hired to design one of the infamous Barney Windows and she asked me to assist. We did most of the illustration work in a seperate loft but spent two days assembling the whole thing in the store window like large fish in an extremely trendy aquarium. Friends and shoppers alike would stand outside and watch while we smiled and worked, talking to each other with Ventriloquist's Mouth so we could dish the parade of outfits our audience was affecting.

Simon nicknamed me "Georgie Girl" after the sixties Brit film about a Hip, With-It Chick in Swinging London. Years later it seems amusing, even slightly bizarre, to think of myself as that figure. There was a TV Special last week on the Style Channel about Simon and he talked about having what he calls "Zhuzzh" which is rougly translated as a quality somewhere between Chuztpah and Glamour. I don't know if he originated the word, Simon began the Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute with the late, great Diana Vreeland and it sounds like something she might have coined. To live a life full of 'Zhuzzh" is to live a life inebriated by the richness of the world around us and I certainly think it's a highly respectable quality.

If you want to know more about Simon, read his column - Simon Says - and get a great dose of Zhuzzh that always makes me laugh and injects some much-needed zest into my slothful day.

2:36:43 PM    sro home /

What I Did On My Halloween Vacation

2:30PM Went around the corner to get a latté. Saw how traffic was already backed up everywhere due to streets being blocked off. Examined Road Rage at close range.

3:15PM Went home and locked the door.

5:00PM Watched Valley of the Dolls on Cable. "There's only one hit in a Helen Lawson show and that's Helen Lawson..."

7:00PM Helicopters begin loudly circling overhead.

8:00PM More helicopters and people yelling. Peggy barks at the slightest noise.

9:00PM Still helicopters. Watch dramatic News Teasers emphasizing security concerns at the celebration on Santa Monica Boulevard, three blocks from my building.

10:00PM More helicopters. Looking, I fret, for a Nuke-carrying terrorist dressed as Anna Nicole Smith. More yelling, more barking.

11:00PM Huddle in bed with the dogs wondering what it feels like to be hit by a bomb. Helicopters still circling.

MIDNIGHT Helicopters stop, replaced by sirens and drunk straight people Woo-ing loudly on the street outside like we've won the SuperBowl.

12:30AM Noise finally abates. Think how much I hate crowds, hate Halloween and wonder if they celebrate Halloween in some small Georgian city of my choosing.

10:13:35 AM    sro home /