1:19:10 AM    sro home /

Mother : The Internet!?!

Dear Carrie,

So, you got here. All the secret Googling in your High School library has finally paid off. I tried to make it easier, casually tossing words like telekinisis and split ends through my posts to guide you. Now you found me and it's time to shed that glum, kooky, blood-drenched exterior and release Your Inner Glamazon. The most obvious start is One Word that will change your life.

Tweezers.

No kiddin'. That Uni-Brow look definately puts a banana peel on the path we'll call Normality. You have delicate features, you're what my Southern Mother might call "fine boned". Kinda creepy, to be blunt, and the Brazil Strip across your forehead doesn't help.

Granted, you had a Majorly Fucked Up Family Life. Your Mom made John Ashcroft look like Gandhi, minus all the human stuff. It was clever hiding all those old Tigerbeats in the "Prayer Closet" but bad news Carrie, Mary Janes are so three years ago. Don't get me wrong, you have Geek Chic Potential out the ass but lose the Bow Legged Shuffle. Too much Slingblade, not enough Ghost Story.

Besides, you have something better than the fab clothes and SuperModel looks your fellow classmates possess. You have something every American Idol wannabe dreams of, every Network Exec in a Prada suit would give his right nut for. You have Franchise Potential.

You cleverly left us suspended, like so much levitating furniture, as you rode away Pensive yet Determined on the Bus that Always Leaves with People Like You. You'd shed your Grapes of Wrath drag and donned a smart little Gap Hooded Sweatshirt. I understand, Baby Steps are best.

Before you know it, you'll be using your SuperPowers weekly, abetted it seems by Vanessa William's younger sister. Per the norm, you'll seek Answers To Questions: Where does my power come from, are there more like me, how can I use them to fight evil? I'm sure there's a list. Throw in some stuff about other High School Outcasts With SuperPowers and you can all band together and Do Something.

By that point, you're bound to have a New Look. After you do, look back at the Cookie Crumbs that got you there: the Internet, the Prom, the "Can I move the brush with my mind?" games you played and then remember these words of wisdom. You rocked tonight. You got out on the floor in your PayLess White Platforms and shook your big ol' Freaky Booty. Until, of course, you went all Columbine on our ass and fried everyone. Up till that, you get props Miss Thing. Now you just have to get out there and dance all night.

12:19:21 AM    sro home /