CONFIDENTIAL TO JENNIFER LOPEZ:

Dear "Lay-Low",

To answer your question, no.

But while I have you... Girl, there's something I've been burning to say. What is it with the menfolk? Hon, I have some news you can use: you don't wanna get married, you just want to wear a wedding dress. Hello.

Next time some Fine Young Thing (i.e, Ben) starts lapping up dew from your Moist Areas, save us all some Lopez Burnout and just make a movie where you get married. Make them add a scene where you get all Dolled and just O.D. on Glamorin. Take it a- way. Baby, you is sweet but even Birthday Cake gets old after eating it all day.

10:53:34 PM    sro home /

2:32:35 PM    sro home /

Meet "Ashley", the Premier Model for SRO's new feature to the right, Spitting Room Only, our generous concession to any Straight Men who may frequent or stumble blindly upon my Highly Gay in Content blog.

Hey Ashley.

Hey!

Congrats.

Thanks! I'm sooo excited to have been chosen. WOOOOO! Yeah!

Uh, ok. Is this your first job modeling?

No, I've done video work before. I was a Girl Gone Wild.

No kiddin'.

Yup. I was the drunk one. OH YEAH! WOOOOOO! SHOW IT!

You're kinda loud. Where are you?

I'm at home. I'm studying for school.

What are you studying?

Politics.

I see. Do you plan to run for office?

WOOOOO! Maybe. Yeah, why not?

Are you worried your "modeling career" might come back to haunt you?

HELL NO! You think voters care? I wanna be the first topless Senator!

Are you Republican or Democrat?

No, I was born in L.A.

I mean your Political Party.

PAARRRTY! I'm there!

Ok. Is that your cheerleader outfit?

No, it's something I borrowed. I was more Goth in High School. Lot's of black lipstick, stuff like that. I did cut myself though.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, it was an external demonstration of my inner confusion and repressed self-esteem issues.

Well the costume looks nice.

Thanks! I thought your Straight Male readers would like it. Gotta give em what they want! WOOOOO!!!

Indeed. Do you think our Lesbian readers might like it?

I love all people, including those from the Mid-East.

I can tell. You look very, uh, peppy in the pic.

Yeah, I'd just found out they found my car.

Was it missing?

It was for a day or so. I met this guy at the Standard who told me he was George Clooney and next thing you know, I was in Vegas and forgot where I'd put it.

I'm glad you got it back.

Me too. WOOOOOO!!!

Well, I'll let you get back to studying.

Ok. Thanks! Hey, when will I get that check?

Uh.. Ashley??... can you hear me? YOU SEEM TO BE FADING OUT... (click)

Hello? Hello?

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