ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
(Logistical Notes: This is a long post. However, it's mostly dialogue and reads quickly. Future posts in the Blog Body will just be a graphic (like the one down below that says the Act and Scene) which you can click on and which will link you to the Goddess Page where the play will be posted in order. There is also a graphic to the right which will take you there as well. Thanks for coming, please take your seat, there will be no photographs allowed during the reading and finally, enjoy! - Hugh)
"My life has gotten a little more complicated
than my ability to describe it. That used to
be the definition of madness,
now it's just continuous overload."
- Bharati Mukherjee
SETTING
The entire play takes place in JUNE and ZEV’s home. Literally, however, the audience faces a blank stage with chairs around the edge on which the actors sit while the main action occurs in the open space before them. Rather than “enter” the “room”, the actors rise before they appear and wait on the edge observing until they are cued. A prop may be used to signify a certain space, such as a large leather chair for ZEV’s study, which the actors move and remove themselves.
CHARACTERS
JUNE - The wife.
ZEV - The husband.
DYLAN - The son.
FAITH - The daughter.
SUZETTE - The caterer.
CHEECHY - The best friend.
HELEN - The actress.
IONA - The ingenue.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
(A light rises on JUNE standing alone center stage surrounded by darkness. She addresses the audience directly: )
JUNE
Let’s get one thing straight from the start... don’t fuck with me. I’ve played this game since time began and I don’t lose. Ever. I’ve pushed two seven pound babies through a hole in my body which alone proves I have superhuman powers. I taught myself how to be married, manage a household, give a dinner party. I placate my in-laws, listen to friends and exasperate the help. I learned what the world expected - my parents, my husband, my children, their teachers, movies, television - how they think a mother, a wife should act. How to act in a crowd, act like I’m happy, act like I care. All without a book, the internet, without a class at the Learning Annex, without Oprah or Martha Stewart, without knowing all the little tips that make things easy. I don’t walk in the beauty salon fresh and pretty, nervous about my first bikini wax. I’m used to it. I like it. There’s something familiar about the sting in such a private place. Oh no, I’ve been here awhile. I can tell you, this late in my emotional and social career, I’m not the one to fuck with. (A tray appears. JUNE plucks off a small hors d’oeurve without taking her gaze from the audience.) SUZETTE!!!
(SUZETTE appears, rather frantic and wide-eyed.)
SUZETTE
Yes???
JUNE
What is this?
SUZETTE
Why, uh, it’s a tasty like we talked about.
JUNE
Suzette... “darling”... I don’t recall talking about this. (She plucks from the “tasty” a shrimp which she holds midair in disdain.)
SUZETTE
(Closely examines the shrimp held before her face.) I think it’s a shrimp.
JUNE
(To the audience) Still with me? (Back to SUZETTE.) I know what you think it is. Where are the “prawns” Suzette?
SUZETTE
(She gasps and answers excitedly.) Oh! Well, uh, darling, we all know prawns are just overgrown shrimp, don’t we? (To the audience.) Don’t we?
JUNE
“Overgrown shrimp”, as you cleverly call them, may be candidates for Canyon Ranch but have no place here. Shrimp are the navy blue of catering. Make a note... prawns.
SUZETTE
Whatever you want! (Scampers off.)
JUNE
Exactly. (Back to audience.) You’re thinking the lower alphabet names about me - the B word, the C word - aren’t you? Don’t worry, I’ve heard them all more times than I can count. See that woman, she’s in my husband’s new film. Zev says she admires me, impressed I spin family and social plates while keeping my looks. Please, “my looks”... I’ve earned my keep. She thinks she’s clenched the deal by wagging Zev’s tongue. She’s not even close. I’m not just the wife watching her, talking to you, making everything orbit around me. I’m the Goddess. One thing she forgot is when you strike the Goddess, strike to kill. (HELEN appears.) Helen...
HELEN
Good God, have you seen? All that whiney crap on the lack of couture in Texas... spare me. Her shoes are half a step from house slippers. One drawback of being Republican is not having gay friends for advice. “They make your bedsheets match, you sleep with them” is what I say.
JUNE
Helen?
HELEN
(Lighting a cigarette.) Yes, dear.
JUNE
Is there anything you’d like to tell the people?
HELEN
(Looking up to the audience and smiling slyly.) Oh... hello darlings. (Aside to JUNE) Looped are they?
JUNE
Mmmm...
HELEN
Well I’m so pleased you could come. Really.
Now the bar is right over there and I’d love to chat but...
JUNE
Dear?
HELEN
Yes?
JUNE
I meant tell them something about me.
HELEN
Oh. Which thing about you?
JUNE
Something divine.
HELEN
Oh... yes... well... you have lots of shoes. Gobs of them if you asked me for numbers. (Aside to JUNE again through her clenched smile.) Are they Cheechy’s friends darling? They look a little “happy” if you catch my drift.
JUNE
Dear Helen cuts to the chase. Yes, I own shoes.
HELEN
Pssst... June, over here. (Back to the audience.) Mingle! Mingle! (Takes JUNE aside and whispers.) So what are you going to do?
JUNE
I know, I’ve already had a word with Suzette.
HELEN
Not Suzette too?
JUNE
The last thing I need is some bulimic trophy wife catching “weight” and blaming it on me and those fossilized shrimp.
HELEN
Darling, you’re so brave.
JUNE
I suppose. But why?
HELEN
Zev... your husband! And her! (Gesturing across the stage.)
JUNE
Oh... that. Calm down. What should I do, grab her hair and slam her to the rug?
HELEN
Since she had the nerve to appear at all, you have free reign to make it ugly. A few well-aimed cheesy things, noone would bat an eye.
JUNE
This is a graduation party for my son, not a food fight. Bad enough I had to invite Zev’s movie people at all.
HELEN
You mean her.
JUNE
Well she is in his movie.
HELEN
Zev’s the producer, zillions of people work for him. That cast is full of ninnies you wouldn’t dare allow here. Look at her in that knock-off D-K-Who-Knows-Y with her heaving bosoms... those SO-CALLED bosoms. Makes me want to puke, I’ll tell you.
JUNE
Honestly, Helen... jealousy is so ugly in an older woman.
HELEN
If you ask me, what’s ugly is some perky young “girl” flaunting
her instruments of death in your face.
JUNE
Now darling, don’t let a plastic lump the size of a baby’s head intimidate you.
HELEN
Two lumps.
JUNE
You’ll survive.
HELEN
Aren’t you blasé? I guess she does have something.
JUNE
(Turns.) Something? What kind of something?
HELEN
Oh you know... “something”. After all, she is an actress. She seems... colorful.
JUNE
Colorful can be a wonderful character trait if you’re a tree.
HELEN
(Patting her cheek.) That’s my girl... stiff upper lip. I knew you’d handle the competition.
JUNE
Competition? She’s hardly a blip.
HELEN
Of course.
JUNE
Blipless.
HELEN
But still... something...
JUNE
Stop it. Next you’ll insist she’s ditzy or impulsive or some other girly thing.
HELEN
Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Up-and-coming actresses never put the move on successful producers, do we? God forbid we perpetuate a cliché. Well I must get back to Planet Cocktail and try remembering who Boyd works with. (Smiling to the audience.) Excuse me, I see other people. (EXITS.)
JUNE
Helen and I met at acting school ages ago. Helen “vibrated youthful vigor” while I was the shy one - meaning she had the talent. My parents were under the delusion Helen would keep me out of trouble but she turned men into mewling kittens. Boyd was a good catch for her, even if I thought him a bit dull at first since she was becoming a minor star and he was on the producing end. Then I met Zev who was also a “suit”, wore one like he was born in it. I bought him his first pair of cufflinks in 1969 - smiley faces, can you imagine? Our marriage was doable as long as I knew he wore those smiley faces.
(ZEV appears wiping his brow and holding a drink.)
ZEV
Aghh... is it hot in here? I’m warm. What do you keep the thermostat at now anyways?
JUNE
It’s not hot, it’s crowded. There’s at least fifty people here.
ZEV
Fifty? Hot as it is, it feels like a thousand. There must be a thousand people in here.
JUNE
It just seems like it because they’re all staring at her.
ZEV
Oh God, don’t start.
JUNE
You started by bringing these people.
ZEV
Well what was I supposed to do? It’s my son’s graduation party.
JUNE
Did you have to invite her and it and it?
ZEV
(Stage whispering to JUNE) They’re real.
JUNE
Ladies and gentlemen, my so-called husband.
ZEV
(Sees the audience.) Oh Christ. (Aside to JUNE.) Are they friends of Dylan’s?
JUNE
Not that I know of.
ZEV
Maybe I should mingle.
JUNE
Maybe you should invest in implants.
ZEV
Very funny. I’m telling you June, they’re all her. Go touch ‘em.
JUNE
I suppose you have?
ZEV
Just throw one of those cheesy things on her, noone will see.
JUNE
This sounds familiar.
ZEV
Then brush it off with the back of your hand and press firmly on the breasts.
JUNE
You sound like a cooking show.
ZEV
So I like breasts. (To the audience.) I’m a breast man.
JUNE
We heard. The whole party heard.
ZEV
It’s nice you had this whole deal for Dylan. I’m not good at these things like you are.
JUNE
It’s called raising a child.
ZEV
Don’t start.
JUNE
Don’t put gas in the engine then.
ZEV
Why don’t you take a little trip or something?
JUNE
Where do I need to go?
ZEV
I don’t know... go to Ibiza, go to Paris! Take Cheech, you love traveling with Cheechy.
JUNE
Ibiza's out. Besides, Cheechy’s sworn off flying. What’s this about anyway?
ZEV
Just an idea. I’m working like crazy and don’t want you feeling put out.
JUNE
You mean left out. Put out is what she does.
ZEV
June, leave the poor girl alone.
JUNE
And miss out on a trip?
ZEV
Anywhere... Cheech’d love it.
JUNE
I already told you...
ZEV
HEY CHEECHY, COME HERE!
JUNE
Good God, Zev. This isn’t the subway.
(CHEECHY appears.)
ZEV
This here is Cheechy. He’s my wife’s best friend. He’s a gay person. (To CHEECHY)
Did I say that right?
CHEECHY
You don’t have to add the “person” part. I think it’s fairly obvious I’m a person.
ZEV
Oh, sorry. He’s a gay.
CHEECHY
(Impatiently) Is that all?
ZEV
Oops... and he’s a clothing designer. (Whispering to audience.) Big deal, does Cher.
CHEECHY
I meant is that all you wanted me for, to introduce me to your “chums”?
JUNE
What were you doing?
CHEECHY
Admiring the view and the, dare I say it, “prawns”.
JUNE
I’ll kill Suzette.
CHEECHY
Sure you have the right target, dear?
ZEV
(To audience.) Hey, did he tell you the story about how he got his name?
JUNE
Zev...
CHEECHY
(To audience.) Do you really care?
ZEV
He was on some fancy-schmancy trip in Japan always talking about how everything was so chi-chi - chi-chi this, chi-chi that. So all the Japanese hear him and start calling him Mr. Cheechy. Like Cheech and Chong, can you believe it? The guy makes stuff for Cher and they think he’s some South of the Border pothead. Can you believe it?
CHEECHY
(To audience.) Don’t worry, it’s not a stretch to most people either.
JUNE
Leave Cheech alone.
ZEV
Hey, I love the guy. I’ve told him more than once, if I didn’t have a son already, he’d be like a son to me. Haven’t I said that Cheech?
CHEECHY
Repeatedly.
ZEV
Even though he’s one of the gays, just like a son...
CHEECHY
(To JUNE) I guess that would make you Mommy Dearest.
JUNE
It would make me depressed. Just the age part, of course.
ZEV
Cheechy, why don’t you take June on a trip? Anywhere you want... on me.
CHEECHY
Tempting... but no planes.
ZEV
Maybe a cruise, I hear they have these Gay Cruises.
CHEECHY
For “the gays”...
ZEV
You two would have a blast.
CHEECHY
Especially on a ship far away from you and the triplets.
JUNE
He claims they’re real.
ZEV
Hey, don’t talk about my actress that way.
CHEECHY
Real big, real perky, real expensive...
ZEV
I swear to God it’s all her!
CHEECHY
Zev, have you actually been near them or do you just
cower in fear like Moses with the Burning Bush?
ZEV
Aaahhh... both of you should be ashamed, always ganging up on me - the Queen and her Henchman... the queen. I’m not going to be pushed around by you or the Gay this time, it won’t work. I’m going back to the party. (EXITS.)
CHEECHY
Well it worked for me. May I be excused now?
JUNE
Darling, relax, we have guests. (Indicates audience.)
CHEECHY
(Says from side of mouth to JUNE.) They look like Zev’s people.
JUNE
(Squinting.) You think?
CHEECHY
Well we’re not talking runway audience at YSL.
JUNE
Hmmm...
CHEECHY
None the less, they’re here. Cocktails anyone?
JUNE
CHEECH DARLING! (Pulls him aside.) Good God, what are you doing? They reek already and I’m not feeding their habit, this isn’t one of those “raves”.
CHEECHY
I promise, aside from your aversion to harsh light there’s nothing remotely “rave-like” about you.
JUNE
Dreadful fear of melanoma, you know.
CHEECHY
No doubt. Speaking of sudden lumps, there’s quite a crowd in the other room.
JUNE
You saw her.
CHEECHY
Saw her? I was nearly consumed by parts of her. I thought her shoulder pads had slipped. Does anyone remember the purpose of shoulder pads?
JUNE
At some point in my life big shoulders seemed important.
CHEECHY
To be young and driven again. Well her shoulders certainly get a workout holding up those, those... beings. It's demoralizing to see plastic act so attentive when I can’t survive without espresso.
JUNE
You didn’t speak to her did you?
CHEECHY
I thought I’d have to but I quickly feigned seeing Helen. I did have the strangest urge to touch them.
JUNE
The bosoms?
CHEECHY
Imagine.
JUNE
Good God. Well did you?
CHEECHY
Of course not. Oh I briefly pictured one of those little cheesy things flipping off my napkin and - cringe, cringe - landing on her chest. I immediately pluck it off, one finger testing resiliency.
JUNE
Something about her dress craves cheese tasties. They can’t be real, can they?
CHEECHY
They do tremendous things with nipples nowdays.
JUNE
And if you were to see her nipples...
CHEECHY
I was afraid you’d say that.
JUNE
Maybe Helen will offer...
CHEECHY
Does it involve sneaking into Ricky’s nightclub dressed like a horse?
JUNE
Just an invite to your showroom. Capiche?
CHEECHY
She’s at least an eight.
JUNE
But could force a four.
CHEECHY
I’ll bring her a two.
(BLACKOUT)
END OF SCENE ONE
9:39:32 AM  sro home /
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Monday, November 25, 2002
Barbie Talk To Me Playphone
