One of my most loyal readers is dPhilc of "Fact or Fiction" (see list at right) whose website centers around things of the Paranormal Variety, particularly Ghost Stories. So, to show my appreciation and because he's so kind, I decided to write a Ghost Story for him to read and (if he wishes) to post on his Site. This is my first attempt at this kind of thing, so bear with me.

THE EMPTY ROOM

It was a dark and stormy night. Ok, not so stormy but it was pretty dark. Actually it hadn't rained for awhile but it did get a little cooler as the evening wore on. It was a dark and cooler night. The owls hooted in the trees. Whoo! Whoo! Very nice, maybe just a little longer. Whooooo. Whoooo. Much better. So the owls and, uh, the dogs were barking. They do that all the time in these stories. Honest. Watch any semi-spooky movie and there's dogs barking. Baying, sometimes. Oooooooo. Wait, that's more of a Ghost Sound. Oooooowwwww. Hmm, that's like you caught your finger in the door. Well, they were just Baying, take my word for it.

Anyhoo, the girl was alone in the Big Dark House. Her parent's house. No, the Sorority House. Ok, her parent's house because they were nowhere to be found. They were actually at Outback. No, Red Lobster. No, Outback. They were out alone in the Outback. Ooooooooo.Ok that time it was a Ghost. But not a "Here, Right Now Ghost", just a "Something Scary Is Coming" kind of Ghost Sound.

So where were we? Oh yeah, the parents were at the Outback and the girl was alone in the house. She was, I'll admit. talking on the phone alot. But that's kind of like being alone because who knows what could happen? I get these weird messages all the time from Sprint telling me I forgot to pay my bill and they turned my service off until I call and pay it. So I could have been alone in my house like the girl without service! Ok, my apartment, but still... without service!

So the girl is alone in the house, talking on the phone, and she hears a noise! It was the microwave dinging. Then she hears another noise! TV. Another noise! Jeez, where is she, at a Mall? NO! She's in the kitchen! Ooooooo.

Most bad things in these stories always happen in the Kitchen. I ascribe this mostly to the Fear of Doing Dishes and I am Right There. Cooking? No biggie for me but ugh, Hating The Dirty Dishes. So the Girl walks to the sink and is talking on the phone and looks up and in the window is... uh, can we throw in some lights? Pool lights, shrub lights are nice. You could conceivably use a Flashlight under the face but that's so 1974. Like a Ghoul is going to have a Flashlight. It might! Uh, I don't think so. Maybe! No. Ooooooooo.

Whatever. So she looks out the Kitchen Window and sees the MAN WITH THREE HEADS! Sounds expensive. MAN WITH NO EYES! Ok, who are you thinking of here? MAN WITH AN UGLY THING ON HIS FACE! Like a mole? Oooooooo!!

So she screams. Alot. More than if she had her hair cut but less than at a Rock Concert. Like "WAAAAAAA!!!". Plus she throws her arms around and runs. Runs like the wind! Or upstairs. But here's the good part, she runs to... Her room? No! Well, yeah but it's an Empty Room! And? The room is without a COLOR SCHEME!

The End.

Well? Aren't you scared? Just a little? Aw, c'mon. ANN COULTIER! Hee hee hee. Gotcha.

9:00:25 PM    sro home /

Daddy?

Yes Baby Girl?

We need to talk.

Now?

No, next year. Yes Now.

Ok... jeez. Give me fifteen minutes to finish writing.

Fifteen minutes is like an hour and a half in DogTime.

Is this about going to Florida for Christmas? You've gone there several times before and all you have to do is sit on the plane. Besides, you love your Grandma! She spoils you rotten and there's Kittys. You love Kittys.

Uh, it's not about going to Florida. It's about Dexter.

Oh. What about him?

He's getting on my nerves.

C'mon! He's just a Puppy.

Yeah, Satan's Puppy.

He's young, give him a break. You only see him during the day, he's at Joes most of the time.

"Most" is the Key Word here.

I know he's a little, uh, excitable but you were too when you were a Puppy.

I was not. Plus he's a Boy.

He's cute. He plays and he, well, plays and he loves you.

Yeah, I noticed. You forgot to mention all the whining.

He whines a little.

A little? He's a total wuss. "Oh, play with me. Oh, pet me, Oh, give me the bone." He's like Tara Reid without all the hiphuggers.

Just give him some time.

He's already had his balls cut off! How much time does he need?

I dunno. Six more months.

Aw fuck... six months? I'll be, like, three by then!

Well what do you suggest Evil Bitch?

You know that doesn't really work with a dog.

Don't get all Whitney on me. So what do you think I should do?

Welll... we could take him for a ride.

What are you? A Soprano? Take him for a ride?

Yeah. You know, out to the wild where he can run free with more of his kind.

Uh, you are his kind.

Excuse me?

You heard me. I'm not taking Dexter out and letting him go by the side of some road.

Not the side of the road.

Peggy.

Whaaa??

Honestly.

It was just an idea. Whatever. I'll be fine.

Yeah, you're so tortured. You could use the exercise.

That's just rude.

Even that Porn Actress we see around the corner said you were "voluptuous".

Yeah. And??

You're a dog, not Jennifer Lopez.

Now J-Lo's a Bitch.

Just lay down and hush.

Can I get a treat?

Well...

Please? I'll do the Puppy Eyes.

Ok.

I love you Daddy.

I love you too Baby Girl.

7:07:13 PM    sro home /

If you've ever gone to look at a Porno Website (and let's be honest, who hasn't? Anyone? Thought not.) you know that they somehow put you on the Mega-Porn Mailing List and you get Porno Spams forever and ever. This is extremely annoying on so many levels but mainly because I get the little symbol saying "You've Got Mail!" and think, "Oh cool! I got some groovin' note from Kitty Bukkake or some Deep Thoughts from Dogpoet" or anything and it's just crap. "Anna" of the young, blond, teen world is spamming me to say she just put up some New Pictures of her and her so-called friends doing whatever they're doing that involves all their orifices. Ew.

Since I'm obviously SO not their demographic, I'm not titillated or even vaguely interested and it just seems to be a Big Waste of Electrons or whatever the Internet is made of. How many poor little Electroids had to die for "Anna" and her crew to let me know how wet their pussys are? Whatever the number, it's too many.

I'm also a Sucker for the Spam which makes me feel like not only a Perv but a Loser. The ones where "Billy" exclaims in the subject line "Why haven't you called me?" Billy? Billy who? Well maybe that guy I'd traded e-mails with two years ago was Billy. Did we talk on the phone? So, of course, I open the e-mail to see. DOH! SUCK-A!

I must just have a Big Sign taped to the back of my e-mail address that says "Spam Me. Spam me because I'm obviously such a retard and am so lacking in any form of a LIfe that, yeah, I'll open any e-mails that might vaguely look like Someone wants to give me any attention whatsoever."

Oops, gotta go. Susie has something Urgent to show me.

11:32:32 AM    sro home /

10:32:39 AM    sro home /