911
To be honest, I haven’t gotten to The Mall yet but I have been out and about enough to gather some thoughts about Fashion in the area formerly known as “Home” and now called “Where I Got Away From”:
1. Kelly Osbourne Wanna-bes - I know Role Models for “Big Girls” aren’t easy to come by but trust me, this is not the direction to go. A Thompson Twin Hair-Don’t and Clamdiggers do not make you look cool, they make you look like Belinda Carlisle on the downslide - after the drugs and between Ball Players. Ew. If you’re “Weight Challenged” there are far better places to look - Jill Scott, Nigella Lawson, even Kirstie Alley are preferable to an Aging Rock Star’s Pampered Spawn. The truth is, she’s not that cool. Her outfits are Melrose Last Season, Melrose being the L.A. equivalent of Strawberry Fields at the Mall. It would help if you had oodles of disposable income due to your father’s drawn-out career, but let’s face it - you don’t.
2. Knit Hats - Before you leave your house or trailer home or wherever it is you keep your stash, ask yourself “Is this article of clothing appropriate for the weather?”. Chances of you actually needing a wool hat are questionable, especially here in Florida. Yes Eminem, your Raison D’etre. wears one but newsflash, 8 Mile took place in Detroit. Detroit Michigan which, for those of you Geographically Challenged, is near Canada. To reiterate, Canada is near the Eskimos, so cut to the chase and ask yourself “Is the weather outside something Eskimos might be facing?” Hopefully you see where this is going as the answer will most likely be No. Ditto for Long Scarves. Yes, they’re Fab in the Gap Ads but darling, Everything is Fab in the Gap ads. Dog Feces on a Paper Plate is To-Die-For when Will Kemp is dancing around it.
3. Seasonal Clothing - No, no, no. Just slowly walk away from the knitted Christmas Sweaters and Santa Hats. If you’re an Adult, wearing a Santa Hat and either a) not being paid to do so or b) not sitting on a Plywood Throne in a Mall then you should seriously consider Medication. We already know it’s Christmas. Honest. None of us see you and think “Oh my God! That’s right! Christmas! Thanks for the reminder!” In fact, your wardrobe serves as a Big Ol’ Sticky Note of our failure to finish shopping, not the Warm Fuzzies you seem to envision. If I had a dollar for every person that has mulled over Shooting You On Sight, I would not be writing this right now. Ok, maybe I would but it would be from my Glamorous Suite in Sydney, not from the Guest Room in my Mother’s Suburban House.
4. Backward Baseball Hats - There is One and Only One reason to wear a Baseball Hat backwards: Giving Blowjobs. Now that I’ve stunned your sexual identity into last week, you might reconsider why you do it. Yes it was - briefly - acceptable at one time. 1992, to be exact. Since then however, the world has changed and so has headgear. Believe me, I have no problem imagining you sucking off Truckers in a rest stop on I-95. In fact, you may surprise all of us with your innate skill. In the meantime, either turn the fucking thing around or just skip the whole concept altogether. Tip: Your Girlfriend and all of your coworkers already know you’re losing your hair.
5. Last, but certainly not least, Big Hair - There’s a Texan Saying, “The bigger the hair, the closer to God”. I have bad news, You are going to Hell - for the visual damage you’ve incited, for the zillions of Hair Spray and Mousse molecules you’ve driven to an untimely death and for your single-handed contribution to Global Warming. In fact, from your Hair Efforts alone there is a destitute family in Iceland gurgling under the melting Glacial Waters you are personally responsible for. What were you thinking? Really? Have Aliens Mind-Melded you to the last remaining copy of “Weird Science”? Have you been abducted and sequestered in a cave with copies of YM from 1986? Here on Planet Earth we are puzzled and frankly, a little horrified. Your head is like some bizarre Freak of Nature that repels yet undeniably sucks us into the tragic void. If you have any sense of Moral Right and Wrong, and trust me I don’t say this lightly, please just put on a Baseball Cap backwards. Now. For the Children. Thank you.
12:22:14 AM  sro home /
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Sunday, December 22, 2002
