1. HEARING THE PRETTIEST THING ON THE SHOW COMPLAIN ABOUT NEVER GETTING DATES - Oh, I mean the guy. I'm sorry but hey, if you look like a male supermodel and can't meet chicks then you should either a) be gay or b) be gay. I can meet hot girls in a heartbeat and I'm queer and old(er). No excuse.

2. ONE GIRL'S NICKNAME - "Mojo". This is seriously skanky.

3. NOT KNOWING WHAT WINE GOES WITH WHAT - This is not brain surgury. This isn't even pulling a splinter out of your finger. Red: meat, white: chicken, fish. Duh.

4. CARRIAGE WITH DRIVERS WEARING WIGS - If these guys picked me up, I'd be seriously freaked. Who are you planning to meet? Goofy? This is the real world.

5. OUTFITS MEETING JOE MILLIONAIRE - Who are you? A hooker in Vegas? Out of your entire wardrobe, your first choice was low slung jeans and a leather corset? Ho. Cowboy hat? Ho being so two years ago.

6. STRATEGY FOR PICKING GOWNS - Whatever. You all ended up looking like a make-over on Jenny Jones. Frankly, I'd have made something out of the drapes like in The Sound Of Music rather than wear one of those things. Serious prom wear on a Mall budget.

7. WALTZING - Huh? I mean, who really knows how to waltz? The guy looked like something from a Thai Puppet Show and the girls looked like drunks. All in all, not Beauty and The Beast even though one of the girls saw him and said she immediately thought of "Gaston". Uh, honey, Gaston was the bad guy.

8. JOE MILLIONAIRE'S HAIR - Greg Brady.

9. THE BUTLER - The Masterpiece Theater opening was a nice touch if only because it made the whole thing more of a Saturday Night Live Sketch. He kinda looks like Dick Cheney, minus all the Soul of Satan and Personality of Cheese stuff.

10. THE PEARL NECKLACES - "I had another girl bite mine to see if they were real. I brought my own pearls anyway." Makes Liz Grubman look like Mother Theresa.

Oh yeah, I'll be there. I can't wait to see a cheesy, insecure "real estate agent" get humiliated on national TV for being superficial and neurotic. Girls, start your Biological Clocks ticking!!
10:54:34 PM    sro home /

Hey.

Hey, how's it going? You can't have your dog in here.

Do you have Margaritas?

Yeah, on the third aisle. At the end.

Thanks.

But you can't have your dog in here.

Do you have the kind already made?

What do you mean?

With the tequila in it already.

Oh. Yeah, it's on the bottom shelf. Next to the lime juice. You can't have your dog in here.

I found it. Thanks.

Sure. What kind of dog is that?

A Jack Russell terrier.

Cool. I've seen them on TV.

Yeah, they have one on Frasier but that one's long haired.

You can't have your dog in here.

Can you break a hundred?

Do you have ID?

To break a hundred?

Store rules.

Yeah, I have one but I don't live here. I live in LA.

Oh, ok. Never mind. What's his name?

Peggy.

He's cute. Is he smart?

Yeah, she's very smart.

You can't have a dog in here.

Thanks. Have a good night.

Night. Have a good one.
7:00:19 PM    sro home /

I have recently started a new habit of having a couple of drinks everyday in the evening. While, over the course of my social career, I have drunk quite a bit, it is not my mind-altering substance of choice. However since I have, for various reasons, given up all other substances and bouyed by recent medical reports which actually recommend alchohol, I have cheerfully taken up the Cocktail Hour.

Because I'm not inclined to drink, my drink of choice is nothing very, well, masculine. I buy the huge bottles of premade margaritas that already include the tequila. This preference is based on the facts that it is easily prepared and it tastes more like Fruit Punch than actual liquor. If I had a supply of those tiny paper umbrellas, I woud probably use them although I prefer the little plastic mermaids whose arms hook on the edge of the glass while they brazenly thrust out their minute plastic bosoms.

When I was a child, we would go to a Floridian attraction called Wikiwachi Springs whose claim to fame was their World Famous Glass Bottom Boats from which you could watch their World Famous Synchronized Divers. These were, of course, women who lived in mid-Florida in the late sixties and to my formulating Gay Eye seemed more like Diner Waitresses wearing clumsy rubber fins.

Despite my Young Critical Wariness, there was a certain glamourous appeal in being able to transform oneself, even if it was just for sweaty families more interested in seeing alligators. The plastic mermaids transfer this same glamour to a Margarita, even one poured directly from a gallon bottle grabbed off the shelf.

Here in Florida, alchohol is only sold at "Liquor Venues" and not sold in supermarkets or at corner stores as it is (in my experience) throughout most of the Free World. Therefore, the number of available locations is limited and in my short visit here for the holidays, I've already become friends with "Sandy" who is the cashier at the nearest Liquor Store. Sandy does not drink although she gave me a live demonstration of how easy it would be for a worker at the store to steal a bottle and told me harrowing tales of ex-employees. One apparently was found passed out on the bathroom floor. It isn't like working at a donut shop where one might become so saturated by the sight of donuts that one swears off them forever. Donuts do have a certain appeal but they don't begin to approach the calming effects of a bottle of booze.

My mother has begun calling me an alchoholic, part joke and part serious. Her father was an alchoholic and I think part of her accusations are based on the baggage she carries from that experience. Granddaddy was an "Old School Lush", not the violent and angry drunks you see today on Cops or Lifetime Movies. He prefered to drink sitting in his car and would eventually nod off with a soppy grin on his red face. While I knew in a vague way that he was drunk, it never seemed very problematic to me and if anything was a prime opportunity to ask him for some spending money for candy.

I'm guessing that over time I'll tire of this phase as well. As I've mentioned, I have in the past had periods of high substance usage but I eventually would tire of them and, without resorting to Programs or Clinics, would just stop. I have a short attention span for these things and eventually find my reality is Mind Altering enough without any outside help.
4:44:56 PM    sro home /