WARPED


The Star Trek People (Fanatics and money-makers) have been engaged in a conversation for years about getting more Gay Characters on the popular franchise. Alas, no quick-witted Romulans or dashingly handsome Vulcans yet. Sorry. They are planning a story-line about the Supermodel Alien having a virus she needs to hide from everyone on her planet because of the stigmatism. That’s kinda Gay. Isn’t it?

Like we need more Glamazons, even Alien ones, with problems. We’ll be reassured she’s just like Everyone Else (if there were Anyone Else) and that her Fictional People will in the Made-Up End accept her for who she is. Or really isn’t.

Whatever. C’mon, have a heart.

I want the story-line where Scott Bakula beams his cute little Daddy Butt down to Planet Queer. Oh he can take BuzzKill Vulcana, finally put that Sandy Duncan hair-don’t to work. Once on the Planet, they set up a little tête-à-tête with the Natives (say around four-ish?) at the local Starbucks. Their Fleet Fashions are so three centuries ago, so the Planet’s Fashion Police kindly provide them with an unlimited supply of Abercrombie and Fitch. It’s grown at A&F Farms which are scattered within an hour’s drive of the Inner City and run by Earth Mother Lezzies and Boys Who Aren’t Into Bars.

Official meetings begin with a discussion of Last Night’s Meeting and Who Wore What. The Captain and Vul-kneel join in gamely, knowing the importance of making a Good First Contact.

An exchange of technologies is proposed. Earth gives them Kylie Minogue and Planet Queer hands over the Banter-ama which allows even the most tongue-tied Space Explorer to Break the Ice when landing on New Turf. After a Quick Kiss on the cheek, meeting’s adjourned and while half of them step out for a smoke, the other half order more Cosmos.

Bakula’s Assigned BuddyGuard, Chet Hungly, drags him out onto the Dance Floor and after a quick zap with the Move-A-Tron, our Main Man takes off his shirt and waves his arms. Chet suggests they retire to the Guest Cottage where he offers to show off his Raygun and Captain Starstruck agrees. After a quick NanNoo NanNoo to the Gang, they retreat for a little Consenting Combat.

In the morning, they all regroup for Double Lattes. Miss V notes the broad grin the Captain can’t seem to shake despite the Botox that came with Room Service. Logically, she concludes he’s been exchanging important data with the Queerlings, information which she hopes he’s stored and plans to share with his Crew back home. She herself plans to take up Golf and change her look, perhaps a little more Shania Twain, aided by her new MAC-Blaster which always guarantees her the perfect Lip Color.

Finally, they prepare to leave. As is custom, they all promise to call each other, soon, and our Starfleet Scenesters zip back to the waiting Enterprise.

Three Months Later : The Captain and Chet run a smart little Bed and Breakfast on Deep Space Nine. Vulcanella is having their baby and organizing protests against Vulcan Ear Removal, or Lobal Mutilation as she calls it. She currently favors a Pale Matte Frost.

10:12:09 AM    sro home /