JOE LOTSAMONEY

Girl #1 - So you’re a whore. I know, I know... the moment, Him, the champagne... whatever. Basically it just boils down to you slept with him. Hester. Scarlet H. Ho. Then he didn’t pick you. Duh. What are you, brain dead? Let me guess, you were lead in your senior musical, Funny Girl. Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein... To America though, Child, Ho. See how it rhymes? Best Line: “The sun setted.” Uh, yeah, it did sat.

Played by: Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. Minnie Driver.

Girl #2 - Zora? Who were your parents, Burnt Out Hippies? You held out, other than the dress that was Boobarama. We don’t think you’re a whore, just dull.

Played by: Maura Tierney.

Girl #3 - You might win. There’s obviously more to you than meets the eye, re: you didn’t make him gay, you made him crazy. That big Loony Tunes Montage? You were there swirling in the middle baby. Props to you.

Played by: Jodie Foster minus all the Ice Lez stuff. If possible.

Joe - Was this the Emotional Breakdown we heard about in the ads? Uh, ok.

Baby, you need a hobby. Feeling conflicted over playing a Big Phony (which you are) is, well, lame. These girls don’t care about You, or your “Money”. It’s about (straight white) Men teaching successful Women a lesson. Yup... Big Career, Looks, Barbie Girl, throw it all away for a chance at the Big Kahuna. On National TV, no less. Too bad they’re using you too. Got you thinking, which is a barrel of monkeys to watch. Bend over, Ab-azon, let the Big Boys drive.

Played by: Tom Selleck before he got Fat and Republican.

12:13:12 AM    sro home /