AND THE WEINER IS...

BEST PICTURE

They will never give a BP Oscar to one of the LOTR movies, so get over that idea.
The Pianist - too obscure though Piano Themes do well.
Gangs of NY - dissappointing Box Office usually means Industry Types would prefer to move on.
The Hours - Literary and Serious with lots of Acting = “We’re not just blood-sucking Greedmeisters, we’re Art.”
Chicago - my guess.

BEST ACTOR

Micheal Caine, The Quiet American - Huh? Too quiet.
Adrien Brody, The Pianist - see Best Picture.
Daniel Day-Lewis, Gangs of NY - Here’s another Bone since GONY will not win anything big.
Nicolas Cage, Adaption - see above.
Jack Nicholson, About Schmidt - Duh.

BEST ACTRESS

Salma Hayek, Frieda - Reward for doing it before Madonna could.
Rene Zellwegger, Chicago - see above.
Diane Lane, Unfaithful - Good performance in an average flick but ultimately ix-nay to Wives cheating on their Spouses. That’s the Man’s job.
Nicole Kidman, The Hours - Big Fake Nose = Serious Acting.
Julia Moore, Far From Heaven - Duh. She should too. This role is Old School Hollywood.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

John C. Reilly, Chicago - Who?
Paul Newman, Road To Perdition - Because RTP will not win anything.
Ed Harris, The Hours - Because they wanted you to become the next Harrison Ford but you’d rather go do a Kookie Pollock movie instead. Now that you’ve returned to the nest, we’ll let you do Serious Character Actor Roles. To prove it - here. Now sit down.
Chris Cooper, Adaption - Everyone loves an Underdog.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Kathy Bates, About Schmidt - At least she wasn’t playing another lesbian.
Julianne Moore, The Hours - Best Actress.
Catherine Zeta-Jones, Chicago - Michael is on the Dean’s List. He makes money-making films witout having to go all “Artsy” on our ass. We owe him one.
Queen Latifah, Chicago - Well someone has to be Black.
Merryl Streep, Adaption - Who will say “Oh, she didn’t really deserve this?” Exactly.

BEST DIRECTOR

Pedro Almodovar, Talk to Her - Almondbar? Almordiver?
Roman Polanski, The Pianist - Uh, sex with minors! Hello!
Martin Scorcese, Gangs of New York - We’ve seen better.
Rob Marshall, Chicago - It wasn’t about the Directing.
Stephen Dawdry, The Hours - See. We’re not Homophobic even though Todd Haynes was the obvious choice here. The Hours has lesbians and AIDS. How much gayer can you get? We’ll give Todd Best Screenplay. Queers are good at that Writing Thing.

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