STANDING ROOM ONLY

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

KAMP KABBALLAH

Dear Madonna,

So your, uh, “concert” on MTV last night wasn’t bad. No, really. I had quickly gotten sick of hearing about that damn “war video” but I was entertained.

Now you’re all “serious”. Kabballah this, kabballah that. MTV was polite enough to inform us kabballah is a “mystical interpretation of the Old Testament”. No kiddin? I think most people think of the OT like the recent Star Wars prequels - background filler for the Main Event (i.e. Jesus) but not as good. I personally think the OT starts all Big Effects and then just dribbles off at the end. Eden, Moses, David, then uh... some other stuff.

Let’s hope this isn’t a metaphor for your career. Seems you want to be a “real singer” now - no dancing, no wild costumes, nothing very shocking other than you playing the guitar. An acoustic guitar at that. If you’d come out playing, say, a trumpet we might have been shocked. Trumpets would also seem to be a little more kabballah-ish if you ask me. Trumpets of Heaven, Trumpets of God. I just don’t picture Moses hunkering down in the desert with a guitar. But hey, I could be wrong.

One bit of advice - before you totally go all Joan Baez on our ass, don’t forget what got you where you are. No, not your voice. Nuh-uh, not the acting either. It’s pretty much been the Camp. Rolling on the floor in a wedding dress, cone bras, parade of hairdos. I know as you get older it’s harder to pull off but honestly, can it be as hard as this whole Alanis Morissette vibe? Other than the name, isn’t there anything funny about kabballah?

Think about it. We’re not going anywhere. I’ll just be sitting over here listening to “Holiday” and waiting.

xxx

12:48:28 PM

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