PAINT BY NUMBER

I have a secret. I’m a decorating make-over show junkie.

Yes, I have the Gay Decorating Gene but I don’t watch the shows for ideas. I would freak if someone came and redid my apartment and the idea of fabricating “art” to match the rugs is appalling. I watch because I appreciate how clever some designers are but I mainly get glee from seeing the homeowners’ heads get fucked up when they can’t think outside of their box. Cruel, I know, but usually sorely needed.

The Short List

Trading Spaces, TLC :

The Host : Paige Davis, ex-Broadway chorus girl. Ingratiatingly bi-polar veering between cheerleader and Evil Sorority Monster.
The Designers : Their personas have been molded to seem so Comic Book and (per the course), the Villians are more interesting than the Good Guys. Doug and Hilde - yes. Frank, lesbian candle maker - over my dead body.
The Home Owners : Suburban republicans without a clue. Dysfunction Junction as fat women burst into tears over paint. Hello! You live one step above trailer park and you’re complaining??!?
Best Episode: Dissappointed loudmouth wrestles her friend to the ground in a fit of anger.
Worst Episode : Anything where Frank makes a “doll”.
The Result : Redbook featurette. Yawn.

Surprise By Design, Discovery Channel :

The Hosts : Big Queen and his fag-hag trying too hard.
The Designers : Same.
The Home Owners : Heavy on terminal Illness survivors and handicapped people. “Because you’ve done so well without legs, here’s a lamp!”
Best Episode: Any with a gay couple just to see how they tip-toe around it.
Worst Episode: Any where the B.Q. redoes a mantlepiece. Dried wreaths? Only on my grave please.
The Result : Themey in the way ideas always seem great when you’re drunk.

Area, Style Channel:

The Host : Stepford Wife with a voice like in an Infomercial. Openly admits to initiating trouble by asking annoying questions and pointing out faults to the homeowners.
The Designers : “Cabana Joe”. Nuff said.
The Home Owners : Frazzled neurotic messes.
Best Episode: Not yet.
Worse Episode: So far.
The Results : After all the bickering and drama, anything is a relief.

Changing Rooms, BBC America:

The Host : Carol Smiley, British Natural treasure yet suprisingly normal acting.
The Designers: Adorable and actually talented.
The Homeowners : Could not be any more different than the Americans. Willing to try things that would cause people here to break down into a shivering mess.
Best Episode: Two of the designers traded rooms in their own houses.
Worst Episode: I haven’t seen one yet I haven’t enjoyed.
The Result: Always cool and often forward thinking with less money than used here. 70s? No prob. Provénce? Sure. The cream of the crop.
4:27:12 PM    sro home /