ME AND MRS. STEWART


Hey Martha.

Hey Hugh.

Mind if I have a seat?

Sure, go ahead. They’re all clean. Now.

Whatcha drinking?

Just a crisp cold beer I brewed myself. Here, let me pour you one.

Niiice... Very chilled.

Of course. I could have had my own beer, you know. I thought about it. I wanted to call it “Bud Vaser” but nooo... they weren’t going to let me do that. They weren’t going to give me Beer.

They?

The men! All those pissed, angry men. I had crept into their lives at a level they had no control over - decorating, cooking. Made things important that they didn’t understand. I upped the ante.

You sure did. If it makes any difference, I thought Cybil Shepherd sucked.

Don’t ever say that name again.

I mean, she was all “Oh, I’m the Ice Queen Bitch and then I’m the Freaky Drama Queen Bitch.” Whatever.You act fine on your show to me, Martha. After all, you’re not an actress. What do they expect?

Are you done?

Oh. Sorry.

It’s ok. Have a peanut.

Thanks. Oh man, this shit rocks.

I mix a teaspoon of brown sugar in the salt when I bake them.

Damn. I still love you Martha. You are the Patron Saint for Virgos like me.

If you’re going to do it, why not do it the best you can?

Like Life man. Just get out there and stick your hands in the mud and do the hokey-pokey till it’s oozing out of all your pores. Do it the best you can. Rock on, woman!

Uh, actually I was talking more about sheets.

That’s cool. Shit... “If you’re going to do it...”

Are you drunk? Perhaps you’d prefer a chilled glass of Limeade I just made.

Now why you wanna do me like that Martha? I want another glass of that “Bud Vaser” with a tequila shooter.

I have the most perfect shot glasses I bought from a native blower in Mexico. The craftsmanship is exquisite.

There you go. That’s the Martha we all love. Mucho luck, Senorita Stewart!

E muchos gracias e tu.


2:34:20 PM    sro home /