EYE FOR AN EYE

Ok, here it is. While the mainstream press has beat Queer Eye For The Straight Guy into the ground, I’ve abstained from mentioning the show. Bottom line is I hate the whole thing. I hate the show for “political” reasons and I hate the show for aesthetic reasons. I’ve tuned in several times and I have to turn it off after five minutes, five minutes of my life I’m resentful of wasting. Maybe some doublespeak about my own “personal issues”, blah blah blah are at play but they’re issues I dealt with, oh, twenty years ago. The pointy, droll remarks everyone seems to love just reek of Key West Piano Bar circa 1979 to me and frankly, it’s where they should’ve stayed.

The leader of the pack, “Carson” (the self-professed fashionista of the bunch), is like the devil spawn of Joan Rivers and Siegfried. Personally, I’d rather learn to dress at Clown College if his own outfits and Andy Gibb hairdo indicate his taste. He’s a prime example of how some men, no matter what, will always remind you of a Drag Queen - minus the wit and taste. Who would take driving lessons from a blind man? Obviously men who’ve never seen a car in their life.

All of it, however, is drenched in the “Mammy-ization” of gay man. Like Butterfly McQueen, we’re delegated to the role of eager servant who seems to have no life outside of the narrow stereotype expected from a Campy Plot Device (yes, I’m including Jack). There isn’t anything particularly “queer” about the show’s eye at all, a group of savvy women would produce the same result without all the forced sexual innuendo and vaudeville schtick. But these attributes are the bread and butter of the whole “gay angle”, a hackneyed stance as old as Charles Nelson Riley. It’s a position embraced whole-heartedly because it’s one that keeps “us” separate and distant. It leaves everyone sated and free of having to really understand why and how gay society is different, differences that have little to do with how one dresses or decorates their apartment. I guarantee you there are as many queers with bad taste as straight men. I have seen more than my share of Barbra posters, stuffed animals and bizarre outfits over the years and unfortunately, being gay wasn’t the answer.

Now that that’s out of the way, here are my own tips for those thinking they need a makeover. It’s mostly common sense and not some Special Gene that’s the key:

1. Get a good haircut and clean your apartment. From what I’ve seen on QEFTSG, 90% of the men being transformed find this is the bottom line. If a guy has a sharp barber and a presentable living space, it’s no big deal to overlook a lack of cooking skills or fancy clothes hanging in the closet.

2. Dress your age. This is the #1 rule most often ignored and yet the most obvious of errors for women as well as men. Do you honestly think a thirty-something can pull off bell bottoms, especially if you wore them at any part of your life the first time around? Just say no. You don’t have to dress like a retiree but fess up and face the music. Dressing too young only illuminates your age, not covers it. Again, common sense is the key. Short shorts are for Olympic gymnasts and clam diggers are for calypso dancers. Sadly you are most likely neither and guess what? Everyone knows that already.

3. Wear what’s comfortable. Things feel awkward for a reason and you don’t have to be gay to realize what’s not right for you. Anything you wear needing constant adjustment or drawing attention to itself is counter to Great Dressing which highlights who You are. The Perfect Outfit makes you shine because more of You is available, not because it cost a week’s pay. This doesn’t mean schlumpy. I’m a fan of flat front, tapered leg cotton chinos (pleats are for curtains) which even kick t-shirts up a notch. It’s an adult look that works for me and I don’t care what Madonna and Missy Elliott have to say.

4. Dress appropriate to where you are. It’s a restaurant, not a gym. It’s the mall, not Lap Dance Academy. It’s 70 degrees outside, not Tahiti. Likewise, it’s 70 degrees outside not Anchorage. You may think wearing a leather jacket in the blazing sun makes you look like James Dean but the truth is you look clueless.

5. Once you find a look that works, stick to it. Think of it as your Life Uniform. Stop spending time worrying about what to wear and showcase You as the Main Event not some Impulse Purchase you’ll eventually relegate to the back of your closet. Buy multiples of what works so your morning debate becomes a no-brainer. I personally could never have too many white, plain collar, cotton shirts. It’s not even essential they be wrinkle-free since one of the characteristics of cotton (like linen) is that it wrinkles (under a suit or blazer is different). Throw one loosely over a great pair of trousers and shoes and you’re set to go. Classic dressing cannot be underestimated. When you find what works for you and continue to wear it despite Fashion’s scattered dictates, it becomes your Style and not just Fashion. Style is a good thing, Fashion sucks. Fashion will drop you faster than a Vegas hooker while Style will cuddle every night. Take what you can and find your Longtime Outfit before Last Call and you’re wearing hip-huggers and trying to French Kiss the bartender.

These aren’t quick fixes for a Fashion Distaste, they’re rules for really examining what your clothes say to others about you and allow you to feel comfortable. It doesn’t require a Queer Eye anymore than it requires some Secret Recipe. Your appearance is your first Press Release to the world, so don’t be caught dumbstruck. Decide what you want to say and declare it until someone listens. The eye that says the most is yours and no mouthy queen can take that from you.

8:45:19 PM    sro home /