POWERPUFF BOYS

Jean Paul Gaultier has produced a new line of cosmetics intended for men. Personally I think all men should be forced to wear them. Not for aesthetic reasons, since most men would end up looking like circus clowns, but to understand how and why women do. It might even spark a worldwide revolution, less time griping about women applying their face and more spent worrying about lipstick on the teeth. Avenues of communication would open and both sexes would expand their perceptions of how the opposite sex lives. Yeah, right.

The first revolution would definitely be in the area of application. If men wore makeup, inventions supporting and speeding the process would begin sprouting like zits across the marketing complexion. Those little mirrors on the back of sunvisors in cars would become futuristic marvels, popping down automatically and swinging in and out of the line of vision. Since it’s hard enough to remember grocery lists and taking out trash, a monochromatic voice would intone “Please reapply lip gloss” as a reminder every time you open the door to leave. Eventually there would be Eye Shadow in a can, something you can quickly spray on before heading out for basketball in the carport. Five O’Clock Shadow or something similarly hirsute.

Supposedly the end result for the men’s cosmetics line isn’t to look like RuPaul but to look “natural... but better”. That is to say “unnatural”, a conundrum women have had to ponder forever. Unless you are a Kool Aid addict, there is nothing normal about deep red lips. However for some women, leaving the house without them makes them feel like their face is a blank palate. You are a paper plate without all the fixin’s, a Kabuki dancer without your character, Sherri Lewis without Lambchop, Jason wistfully glancing in the mirror and missing the Good Old Days when all he had to do was throw on a hockey mask.

Like women’s cosmetics, the market will become more specific. Traits seen as particularly appealing will be enhanced. Cleft chins will be the rage one year and we’ll all feel compelled (due to omnipotent ad campaigns and sudden prevalence in the media) to purchase the latest in dimple enhancers. Soon just shadowing will not suffice. Expensive serums will require stringent adherence every night before passing out in front of the TV. Next year, Cleft Chins Out, Roman Noses In. You’ve spent hundreds at La Prarrie on chin tautners and now your investment is for shit. The Emperor's New Nose from Clinique will be your must-have of the season.

I personally don’t see myself jumping on the bandwagon for the same reason I don’t like men with long hair. No, not because I can’t have it, but because I avoid anything requiring added maintenance. “Throw on some clothes, Walk out the door” is my motto. I’d join those shopping at night in sunglasses because of their naked eyes. We’d act like we did it all the time, damn those florescent lights, but we really just need our mask. One that covers who we really are, something the ads are constantly pressuring us to avoid. Men will learn to use make-up to cover our insecurities, our weakness, our personal faults. We’ll be able to confront the world with a new face, one that makes us feel natural... but better.

3:25:19 PM    sro home /