HOW TO HAVE A MAID

Clean up before she comes. Do not clean up too much because she may think you’re loony for hiring a maid but clean up enough that she does not think you are a totally pathetic loner. Clean up the small pile of sugar that fell out of a cookie bag. At least blend it in the rug. Hide pot and assorted pot-related items. Rehide your Secret Cash Stash.

When she arrives act like you are clueless, perhaps an Alien who has just landed on earth, in hopes it will explain the dirt. This should not be too hard since she speaks little English. Unconsciously begin miming everything you say, arms waving while you repeat words she has already made clear she does not understand. She smiles and giggles several times before you wonder if she’s being polite or trying to placate a crazy person. Drop the Shields and Yarnell. She begins to work, ignoring you, so you leave.

You finally return and she’s folding laundry. Begin to help, chatting away by occasionally veering into French which you hope is similar to Spanish. She tries to dissuade you from helping, repeating the phrase “This is my job. This is my job.” Just take my wallet and leave. Just take my wallet and leave. You notice she hasn’t finished the kitchen and initiate priorities by grabbing your underwear before she continues folding it and thus saving more time.

When she continues to the kitchen, find a Latino Music channel for her to enjoy. Turn it up while switching between Latino Hip-Hop and Salsa wondering which she prefers. “Tu amo las musiquo espagnole?” you offer and she smiles politely. Surely one of those words was recognizable and you have the brilliant idea of finding a translation website. You mute the salsa and begin screaming random phrases you read like Antonio Bandaras. Next time there won’t be so much laundry. I like the colors you used for the sheets. I hope I had what you needed. I will give you more money. She answers with “Ok” and “Thank you” and you presume you are saying the right things.

When she tells you she is finished, begin repeating “Muchos gracias” and “Que bello” over and over even though you suspiciously recall “Que bello” is either Italian or means “How cute”. She tries to explain what she needs for the kitchen floor, something apparently like a mop but not a mop. A bucket? Mr. Clean? Translate “bucket” on the website and hesitantly offer “El cubo” which she dismisses with a nervous laugh. Act like the Alien again, after all if you knew what she was talking about you could be cleaning yourself. She somehow explains she prefers using cloth for cleaning instead of paper towels. Ponder where to get rags. Perhaps you can just buy cotton fabric and wash it to make it softer before giving it to the maid to use for cleaning. Realize how illogical that process is before imagining shredding old Abercrombie t-shirts. Act like the Alien some more until she offers to bring some from her house.

She leaves after finally confirming she will be back in two weeks. After you shut the door, feel like you won something on a game show. You passed the test. Look around your spotless flat like you are at Versailles or at least the bedroom in the final scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey. You are a king in your castle and overwhelmed by feelings of gratitude for this patient woman trying to do her job.

After gingerly walking around not touching anything, realize what a poor dictator you would make.

3:30:39 PM    sro home /