STANDING ROOM ONLY

Thursday, October 2, 2003

L.A. HIGH

I’m a big fan of The Bernie Mac Show and at the Dog Park the other day, I met the girl who plays the smallest child. I’ve become friends with a young teenage actress and her mother at the Park, she’s been on The Bernie Mac Show and apparently all the child actors are friends. Usually I think of “child actor” as an oxymoron but this family is incredibly nice.

On The Bernie Mac show, the little girl is rather timid with Bernie Mac referring to her as Baby Girl. In the dog park, it was Baby Diana Ross Coked Out of Her Mind. This six year old was a total freak, more so than children can tend to be. I sat on the grass frozen in awe while she stood in the middle of the lawn before turning it up and letting it loose. “I CAN’T BELIEVE THERE ARE SO MANY CUTE DOGS HERE! I THINK I’M GOING TO FALL DOWN AND ROLL ON THE GROUND!” She could not comprehend why Polly ran to me for asylum. Her intention was to steer Polly to her dog, a tiny, fluffy, jittery thing named “Princess”. I would be a nervous wreck too.

“PRINCESS! PRINCESS! PRINCESS!” her owner screamed while running in some intricate pattern of circles. “Princess” would tremble and dart from tree to tree like a rabbit in a shooting gallery before scooting into someone’s lap for cover. The girl’s mother was justifiably worried about Princess getting squashed. I think she was thinking of the other dogs, I had my money on the kid.

8:49:40 PM

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SOUL FOOD

Dear eHarmony. com,

I have been overwhelmed by your commercials proclaiming your ability to connect “soul mates”. Frankly, I’m not so sold on the whole “soul mate” idea. Trying to convince people they are incomplete without some mysterious Knight or Knightress on a white horse is not only inaccurate but manipulative in my book. Never the less, I decided to take advantage of your “Free Personality Profile” to see if there was something about me you might illuminate. I think I broke it.

I answered every question honestly. Do you enjoy looking at bodies of the opposite sex? Well, yeah, sure. I mean some women have amazing bodies. And to think that people come out of them, I mean you have to be impressed by that. There were alot of questions about religion and children. Again I answered truthfully - No and No. The essay questions were interesting as well, What are you most passionate about? (In fifty words or less). Uh... my dog Polly? If anyone reads that and conjectures they are my “soul mate”, god help us all.

I was disappointed with the Personality Profile Results. I sound nice enough. A little too nice actually. You are easygoing and fun to be with. People are drawn to you because of your outgoing and cordial manner. You are charismatic and articulate in your communication. You enjoy changing Fiji Water into a delicious Bordeaux at dinner parties.

So where’s all the real dirt, the good stuff? Yeah yeah yeah, I’m a real Superman all right but this Robotic Idol you envision frankly sounds a little dull, the kind of person others are eager to pick apart. I’d prefer to avoid that position and just lay my cards on the table. A “real soul mate” would want to be with me despite all my annoying qualities. What about how impatient I get with ignorant and rude people? What about my love of some good gossip? What about my sometimes rakish ability to disengage from social situations I find unpleasant? You quickly judge the potential appeal or entertainment value of parties/clubs/people and may leave to seek a better use of your time which gives others the impression you are an Elitist Snob. There ya go, something a little spicier. I don’t need a Soul Mate, I need a Snob Mate.

I suppose I could ask myself “What would Superman do?”, the Superman you profiled who seems to effortlessly flit from amusing conversation to witty banter over current politics. Yeah, I sound like a real keeper. After reading my profile, I want me as a Soul Mate too.

Sincerely and Kindly and Humorously Yours,

SuperHugh

2:19:34 PM

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