POPE DOPE

Yo J-Po,

Excuse me, J-Po the Second. Sorry, we humans don’t have that. We don’t say Harry Connick the Second, we say Harry Connick Jr. ergo Pope John Paul Jr.. Kinda puts a new spin on it huh? Yup, it’s all about moving into the, uh, Seventeenth Century.

The year you started the Pope gig I graduated from High School. After that, coincidences dwindle. Oh, I love a good hat too. I’ve also drunk wine in an All-Male enclave. I’ve worn a dress though not quite as often as you. We’ve even both written a play. I bet you were a tough audition, excommunication taking rejection to a new level.

Do you dream of retiring while sitting on your throne looking all Bob Mackie? Are you secretly sporting a Juicy Couture sweatsuit under the heavy moo-moo? When do you find time to write? Me, I prefer late at night but you’re probably still Massing, waving your scepter around, issuing Edicts and Sainthoods. Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. That’s a good one.

I confess I’m no authority in the Religion Area. Oh sure I’ve heard the rumors, read The Books but I don’t ask God alot of questions. Privacy boundaries are important in a healthy relationship and I certainly wouldn’t presume to speak for God. Matter of fact, unless I was God it’s speculation for me to offer God’s opinion about anything. Call me crazy, but God hasn’t said much about Things Being Wrong, Sin, etc. to me personally. God don’t call, don’t write. No e-mails, voice messages, text messages, post-its or Della Reese. So, unlike you, I haven’t had alot of big Mensa Moments about God’s dislikes.

Maybe it’s your hat, tall and marked with a big X so God can precisely beam you an Agenda. Whatever it is, you seem to take pride in holding the market on God’s attention. Someone’s attention at any rate. Some one who’s obsession with birth control and marriage seems, to be frank, a little dated. I suppose there was once a need, a Human need, to worry about keeping families large to divvy out work - hunting and gathering. Not so much anymore (not here anyways) so pushing the whole Big Family thing seems, well, selfish. It’s like you can’t recruit so you propogate and we know what a long dark tunnel that opinion leads to.

One thing I do know about is Sales and you might want to try improving the Product. Your attempts to trash the Competition with halfhearted efforts at dissing condoms and gays will, in the long run, achieve little. No one likes a whiner, especially one who lives aloft in his own country and doesn’t have much experience in the whole Sexual Relation Department. Vatican is alot more appealing than Vatican’t, something to think about during a lull in a Cardinal meeting.

Anyhoo, Junior, enjoy the silver watch they’re bound to give you, handmade by Swiss Nuns I’m sure. When I see God, I’ll let him know what you’re up to.

Good luck with your ‘righting.

- Hugh III (really)

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