JUST THE FACTS


Ok, have a seat please. We just need to get some details. So you say she hit you?

Yes, severely. Around my head.

Man, I can see that. Your face, it’s like a mask or something.

She hit me on the back of my head.

Oh. Sorry. I mean, I just thought...

I have very tight skin.

So when did the abuse start?

Well, probably in grade school.

Excuse me?

They’d call me “David Pest” and tease me mercilessly about my sunglasses. Classroom lighting is awfully bright you know and not very flattering.

I meant when did the abuse start by Miss Minnelli?

Oh that. Well it was on our wedding night. She tried to force me to do horrible things.

Like?

Like, like... oh I can’t say it.

We’re just trying to help.

She wanted me to touch her.

Where?

Please, please...

Here , show us on the doll. Where did she want you to touch her?

Is this the only doll you have?

It’s just for demonstrative purposes.

Well... here!

Uh, on her lips?

Yes! She wanted my face to touch hers!

And you say she was drunk?

On vodka. She’d refill Fiji bottles and say it was water. One night I inadvertently poured some in Princess’s little dish and she peed all over the white rug before she found an Ambien in the plush and passed out on my chinchilla throw. I was mortified! Thank god I rushed her to Rehab and we had a Big Comeback.

So you took Miss Minnelli to Rehab?

Not her, you nitwit. Princess.

So how did Miss Minnelli hit you on the head? After all, she’s only 5’4” and you’re a good six inches taller.

She stood on a cafe chair of course. Haven’t you seen Cabaret? She has them everywhere! She stood on the chair and just when she reached the chorus... boom!

With her hand?

Yes. Those horrible long green nails. It was like some creature from a movie.

Alien?

Arthur 2. Actually I think the headaches started when I saw that movie.

Uh, ok. Well I think we have enough.

Did I tell you about those hideous paintings? “Warhol Portraits”, my ass. They had those eyes that follow you everywhere, like living in The Haunted Mansion. I was terrified for my sanity!

I understand. We’ll call you if we need anything else, Mr. Gest.

I have character witnesses if you need them. Michael Jackson is a close personal friend.

That’s fine Sir. Thanks for your time.


12:55:17 PM    sro home /