TO : AMERICA
FROM : THE FCC

Per our last announcement, we have begun delaying telecasts to avoid the disturbing images which recently occurred. As you are aware, the Grammy Awards were not broadcast live but were delayed five minutes in order to edit any “malfunctions”.

In addition, we have decided to implement the following changes:

News will be delayed eight hours in order to avoid any embarrassing incidents where we have been wrong. Now we will know if news we reported actually did happen and you, the Public, will be assured of accurate coverage as the event will have already definitely occurred.

The ending of Friends will be delayed another ten years. This will ensure we have told you, in detail, everything you could possibly know about all of the characters and actors. In return, all we ask is for zillions of dollars.

Award shows concerning Los Angeles will be delayed 10 seconds, played, rewound, then delayed 10 seconds again. If it’s a part about Us, the delay is 5 seconds.

Shows with gay sex will actually be beamed back from the future because we have discovered some things will never change.

Any Television concerning clothes, singing, black women, men, lace, dancing, boy bands, implants and/or desperation - delay, delay, delay. And pierced ears. Delay. And leather. Delay.

Thank you for your... wait a sec.... okkkkk... now... patience.

11:21:08 PM    sro home /