LADY SINGS THE BLUES

8:00 AM - Man, this is some weird fucking shit. All I did was swipe a tube top from Walgreens and land in jail and now they tell me I’m gonna have a “special” cellmate for two days. I hope Special means she brings her own shampoo.

9:30 Well She’s here. The guards were all staring at her like she was glowing in the dark but hell if I saw anything. Nothing, that is, if you don’t count that weave. Looked like there was a goddamned cat fight in her hair. She walks in all slow and floats around the cell touching everything like She was checking for dust. Finally She stops, throws back her head before looking at me and smiling like she’d just snorted about two pounds of crank.

“I” she whispered to noone in general, “am Miss Ross.”

Uh huh. And I’m a fucking Charlie’s Angel.

11:00 Well She hasn’t said alot so far, mainly just curled up on the bottom bunk singing Billy Holiday... or so She says. Frankly it sounds like She’s coughing up pubic hair but I let her be. For now. I got dibs on the bottom bed and if that fucking bitch thinks otherwise, I’ll slap her into next week.

12:00 Finally we went to lunch. Can you believe the bitch asked me if She could borrow a pair of sunglasses? Like we’re laying on the beach at fucking Club Med. When She found out they don’t give us sunglasses, She freaked. Said She was gonna make a pair out of two dixie cups and some toilet paper. I left her ripping up something.

12:30 I just looked away. She was like one of those dogs in cones, holding her tray and inching along cause I know She couldn’t see shit. Thank God that meant me too. LuAnne leaned over and said “Mahogany, my ass. That bitch is ashy.”

4:00 Somehow She thought lunch was some big success since “No one begged for autographs and pictures”. Maybe it’s cause you look like a Crazy Street Whore, woman. Now I can’t get her to shut up, telling me all about Gordy this and Gordy that. Two to one that poor man is in the can for attempted murder of this mess on a stick. I had my Lillian Vernon catalogue and did not want to be bothered and it was pissing me off.

7:00 Somehow She got her “glasses” tangled in her hair at dinner. She tried to eat some corn but most of it ended up on the floor. Finally She just sat there twitching and smiling so after everyone left I led her back to our cell.

9:00 PM This shit is fucked man. Outside you lead a blind person across the street, you can just dump em and run. Here I am incarcerated and I gotta listen to this muthafucka talk to me all night. Thank you this and Thank you that while She picks corn out of her hair. Next She’s gonna give me a “special concert” to show her appreciation. I’d appreciate it if you’d just shut the fuck up.

10:00 Lights out. After a minute I hear a whisper in the dark,“Missy! Tomorrow let’s move the furniture so we have more room to dance.”

I tell you, fucking Cruel and Inhumane. When I get out of here, I’m getting a job at Payless and never stealing again.

1:32:01 PM    sro home /