IMITATION OF LIFE

Dear Abby:

I have a most embarrassing problem. My job requires me to make public appearances, and often I am "dressed to the nines." I admit, for dramatic purposes, I sometimes apply too much makeup. I have always been told I am beautiful, and I have even done some modeling.

Here's the dilemma: People think I am a man. Once I was cornered at a festival by an angry group of people who had been fired up by one drunkard's insistence that I was a drag queen. (Abby, I have children and I am definitely female.)

The first few times it happened, I tried to brush it off and regain my composure — once I stopped crying. But lately, it is getting ridiculous. I am mistaken for a cross-dresser even when I wear very little makeup. At 5-foot-7 and 120 pounds, I'm hardly manly. A week doesn't go by without this happening.

My boyfriend says I should blow it off — that people are jealous. My self-confidence is in the cellar and I'm at my wit's end. I have struggled with severe depression my whole life, and this isn't helping. A lot of the time I'd like to cower somewhere, but my job won't let me. Help! — Crying in Phoenix

Dear Crying:

It's difficult to give you an answer sight unseen, but let's analyze this. Drag queens are often known for their flawless makeup and their flamboyant manner of dress. Could this be a description of you? If the answer is "maybe" — then it's time for a fashion and image makeover.


Dear Crying :

If I may, let me add further advice. In fact, just this morning a person of dubious gender had breakfast at my local bistro. Why the uncertainty? As Abby wisely points out, Drag Queens are indeed “often” known for their flamboyant manner of dress. “Always” or “preferably” could also substitute for “often”. In this case the person in question was definitely on the Rupaul Trail - big sixties orange and pink coat, quirky black horn-rimmed glasses, jet black hair and a huge bubblegum pink Pashmina wrapped around the neck.

I can not emphasize enough the importance of this last point since the first place to look is always the Adam’s Apple. While, Crying, you haven’t given many clues as to how you dress (although the reference to a “festival” sounds suspicious), if you constantly wear turtlenecks and carefully placed scarves, you may raise more than a few finely plucked eyebrows.

After the diner removed the shawl, I could see there was not in fact an Adam’s Apple to be found. Immediately I glanced to her hands, Drag Queen Test #2. Delicate long fingers are a yes. If this is a problem area for you personally, I’d suggest gloves or bell sleeves to detract from your hammy paws.

You might want to look at your propensity for “dramatic purposes” with the make-up. Unless you’re on stage in a Chekov play, there’s little need to be dramatic especially when it comes to angry mobs cornering you. Drawn-on eyebrows, blue mascara, beauty marks - no, no, no. Think Kate Blanchett in Elizabeth but don’t get any big ideas about “festival clothing”. Nothing says Drag Queen like big lace collars in the daytime.

Eventually I noticed other features setting my fellow diner apart as a Real Woman. Hairy legs for one (no Drag Queen goes outside without shaving so you may want to lay off the Epilady for a few), a clutch purse (again, too much attention to the hands) and then I heard her talk. She was Italian which explained alot.

Lastly, I don’t know if you speak at these, uh, Public Functions but lines like “My self-confidence is in the cellar and I'm at my wit's end” are real Mildred Pierce stuff and Joan Crawford probably isn’t a good Role Model. If you do feel compelled to join in the revelries, avoid lip-synching, talking about how your shoes hurt or judging go-go boy contests.

I hope these additional tips have been helpful. I’m sure if you take my and Abby’s advice you’ll be trading Tampons in the Little Girl’s Room in no time.

Good Luck! - SRO

11:39:23 AM    sro home /