STANDING ROOM ONLY

Thursday, March 11, 2004

KOUNTRY

From an article in today’s New York Times re: Same Sex Marriage :

“What the gays want is ridiculous, ” said Timothy Eugene
Ramsey, a former rock-band bodyguard who now runs a
downtown antiques store called Collections by Gruff Pup.
“The idea that we should take the fringe of society and call
it the norm is insane.”

Dear Mr. Ramsey,

I hardly know where to begin. In fact, I reread the paragraph eight times to make sure I wasn’t missing something. There must be some word I keep overlooking... like queer or leather. There wasn’t, so let me start with the obvious. Gruff Pup.

That may be one of the faggiest things I’ve heard in a long time, and that’s before we attach the words antiques or “collections”. Gruff Pup is about thisfar from being a bartender at the local Leather Bar. Working the Sunday Beer Bust. Big hairy cigar-chomping daddies wearing leather vests and talking about Hugh Jackman in The Boy From Oz. In fact, about any hirsute adjective you put in front of the word “pup” will lead you back to the Beer Bust. Muscle Pup. Brawny Pup. Hairy Pup. Snap, snap, snap and some queen screams how she loves your Store... Collections by Gruff Pup.

Of course everyone knows about your, uh, Collection. Oops, collections. Plural (cause that really classes it up). You must have started with one collection (hmmm... what do rock-band bodyguards collect?) and before you know it, you have two, maybe three! Together they are collections, and what your town really needed was a Store showcasing them. I may be wrong but I’m seeing lots of, oh, Victorian Glass. Maybe Oil Lamps displayed next to the stuffed bears and porcelain tea cups. What we call “Kountry with a K”.

As for your own credentials, it’s slightly suspicious you managed to work the words ridiculous, fringe and insane into the same sentence. Fringe. I’m just saying. Also, fyi, we don’t say “the gays” anymore. I know it semantically distances you (and god knows, you could use it) but it just sounds ~~retarded~~ awkward.

I think I can speak for all of us here on the, uh, “fringe of society” by saying you most assuredly have us beat. In pure numbers alone, rock-band-bodyguards-who-now-run antique-stores are more than likely few and far between. I could be wrong. It’s hard to tell anymore who “is” and who “isn’t” an ex-bodyguard. Thanks to people like you bringing decorating to the masses, to rock-band bodyguards.

Good work, Eugene. Oh, I meant Gruff Pup. Mr. Pup. Mr. and Mrs. Pup. Daddy Pup. Hee hee hee.

SRO

12:06:09 PM

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