THIS JUST IN


LOS ANGELES (SRO) - The world responded in shock and awe today as news of the breakup of Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz (no relation) shot like so many African Bees around the globe. There are reports of mass rioting in some smaller underdeveloped countries where Minority Report recently opened. Others tell of dazed citizens walking roboticly through the streets, every passing Sushi bar reminding them of The Last Samurai, every Mission seeming ironically Possible.

While the President has yet to make his own statements on the events of 3/26, Condelezza Rice announced “We will be consulting our Telepathic Water Babies as soon as possible. Failing that, we will form a Commission. Yes, I have heard of Tom Cruise.” Said Commission will be bi-partisan in nature including Cruise’s fellow Scientologist John Travolta as well as critics of Vanilla Sky.

Although the split was reported due to film stars’ conflicting schedules, there have been rumors of high underground activity surrounding other causes. Ms. Rice added, “We have reason to believe there may have been conflict surrounding their similar last names. One thing we are sure of, there was not another woman involved.”

Stars like Rosie O’Donnell rushed to make public statements, including cancellation of shuffleboard on all her Cruises. Others like Nicole Kidman stood in their castle towers looking down through the window while consulting the mirror behind them. Private citizens expressed their own grief over 3/26 in diverse ways as well. Large crowds in Des Moines stripped to their underwear and lip-synched across the road in front of the General Store. Charles Wiggam Burkedoff, a dry cleaner in Des Moines, sadly shook his head as he flipped his heart-shaped Open sign to read Closed. “Show me the money”, he sobbed, “Show me the money.”

11:36:52 AM    sro home /