STANDING ROOM ONLY

Monday, April 5, 2004

I FEEL DIRTY

Awhile back I mentioned how a picture I posted comes up under a Google search for Porn. The picture isn’t actually pornographic and the post was ironic. Whatever. However on that same page was another post I’d written and I didn’t realize some of the Porn Seekers were reading both. And leaving comments. How sweet. Here’s a copy of the post and the comments left so far follow.

TOP FIVE IDEAS FOR ENDING FRIENDS WITH HONOR

1. Joey is Gay. C'mon. All these years of innuendo, studliness, vanity, drama class, lack of LTR. Hello! Let the guy out, Fer Christ's Sake. Put Paul Rudd to better use and Joey can openly play with make-up all he wants.

2. Ross and Racheal: enough already. Movement, people! Either be a couple or not, if we want waffling we can watch the news. Is Hangdog Pouting the only expression Ross makes? Racheal works in a Top Position for Ralph Lauren and doesn't have a Nanny? Whatever.

3. Make Phoebe rich and famous. We've always rooted for her the most anyway. You, however, have chosen to make her the Single Dustmop, gathering plot ends together but never really having a place to hang. She's finally at the age when women like her hit their stride. Get out a Big Water Bottle and hand it to her.

4. Let Monica and Chandler finally leave NYC. Why would they stay? True, their enormous UWS apartment is probably the Best Deal Ever. One day they'll want to have kids and I don't see Little Miss Anally letting them roam the streets. Seattle? Charlotte?

5. Let all of them finally Get Their Own Lives. They'll become involved in other projects and lovers. They meet someone and dissappear for awhile because they are so sotten with their new Partner. They all call and plan to meet but two of them have to cancel due to work conflicts and the rest Postpone. The Postponement becomes longer and the calls become less frequent and less urgent until their Assistants just take messages. They'll sometimes come across a picture of them all together, happy for the camera, glasses raised in a toast. They'll look at the photo and explain to their current Mate who everyone is, how close they were, how they'll always remember those as the Best Years of their lives.

Comments:

yo like whos that dude. thats like disturbing. take that off. buttmunch endexerpt...blank
uhhh yeah no1 ... | 02.04.04 - 1:14 pm | #
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is your name beth?
Anonymous | 02.11.04 - 8:04 am | #
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I love friends I think they should just have more new episodes. Please show some action. Like sonmeone giving head just like i did last weekend to nathen. I want to see some joeys cock. i'm really horny right now so i will get to my bussiness and i wish u follow threw to my plan
geogria | Email | 03.30.04 - 8:16 pm | #
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sexy
Anonymous | 04.05.04 - 10:46 am | #
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12:56:30 PM

sro home /

LIL’ BRATZ DELUXE FASHION MALL

Oh my god, she’s coming in here. Don’t look, don’t look, DON’T LOOK. Fuck, I think she saw me not looking. Just keep folding. Act busy. Fuck, I want a cigarette. And a sip of my Diet Coke. Maybe she’ll leave. Oh no, she’s looking this way. Hello, I’m busy! I hate these tanktops. Just say hello to her. No, don’t. Hello will just encourage her. Say “Hello, can I help you?” That’s so lame. “Help” her, like she fell on the street. Just say “Hi”. Smile. No, don’t smile. Smile real big like a cheerleader and maybe she’ll hate me and leave. Don’t smile. Smiling means “I like you”. Just say “Hi “ like she wandered in by mistake. Ready...

Hi.

Fuck, she looked. Keep folding. Maybe I could just step in the back for a second and have a cigarette and drink my soda. I could go in the back and rustle things. She might steal something. What’s near the front she might steal? There’s belts. I hate those belts. I should have put those belts in the back. She might grab big handfuls of stuff on hangers and run out to a waiting car. What if she has a gun? I will not die for those belts. Let her have them. Just give her one and she won’t kill me. No don’t. Fuck, I really really want a cigarette now. Maybe I could light one in the back and just have a puff. Why can’t I smoke here? In France they smoke everywhere. I want to be in France. I hate this job. I should be doing what I do best. I should be drinking my Coke. Just go in the back for a second and act like it’s important. Just for a sec. Ok... ready...

I’ll be right back.

Ok, now I can smoke. Make some noise so she knows you’re here. We need cameras back here. If we had cameras I could smoke and watch her at the same time and not actually have to look at her. One more puff. I needed that. Ok, one more. Maybe I should take out something so it looked like I came back here for a reason. Belts. I could bring out more belts and then if she stole one while I was back here, I could pretend I didn’t see and she won’t kill me. What if she wants a dress? I’ll bring out a dress too. Take out a dress and some belts and hold them in front to stop the bullets. Maybe a chair would work better. I could pretend it’s for her but then she might sit. Ok, take out belts and hold them in front of my heart. My face. My heart. If I swing them around it might distract her and she might miss. What if she blows my arms off? Ok, heart , face or arms? Face. Go out and say hi again and maybe she’ll take pity on me. Smile so she’ll see how pretty my face is. I want to be an actress and my beautiful smile will convince her she’d be robbing the world of a gift. Can you act without a heart? Duh. Ready... go.

Hi.

10:54:58 AM

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