ABERCROMBIE AND FLINCH


I got the new Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue in the mail today. I use the word catalogue in the loosest of terms since there are no descriptions, prices, phone numbers or locations. It has the company logo on the back but other than that, you’re on your own.

However the clothes are not the point. The point is hammered into your skull by the cover, all white with the word “young” in big black handpainted letters. The spine is bound with black cloth tape, like the kind on composition notebooks. Do “young” still use those? The way “young” is written, we could be talking really “young”. I anxiously opened to see what “young” entails.

The answer is dolphins. Two of them actually, caught midair during what may have been a performance at Sea World. Dolphins of course represent some vaguely ecological-slash-spiritual hoo-hah which was big in the Seventies (Jonathan Livingston Seagull, anyone?) and which may now being retread as a marketing concept. “Retro” even. Remember when “dolphin safe” tuna meant something? The dolphins reappear later in the third act frolicking with flawless young models of both sexes. See, we’re all part of nature! They also close the book with a pic of two of them kissing. I’m assuming the dolphins are both male which would up the “irony”.

A&F’s past notoriety has been due to it’s racy and homo themes all captured by Bruce “Headscarf” Weber. Last year there was some brou-ha-ha and the catalog was withdrawn due to complaints. Well it wasn’t some queen complaining, I’ll tell ya that. Now the content has been considerably dampened - so to speak - and the cheapest beefcake thrill is a shot of two guys who’ve been swimming in their A&F underwear. “The moist thin cloth clung to the full roundness of his manhood.” That kinda thing.

Finally, in case you still hadn’t gotten the point there are a series of shots including the few words in the whole package. An ethnic (but thin and gorgeous) model poses in the midst of torn paper scribbled with the word freedom over and over. Get it? See the girl has found freedom by ripping through... aw never mind. Another pic has a shirtless golden boy with labels literally stuck on him (See, we all label other people... aw, never mind.) Words like “sunshine” recalling his surf-boy/California vibe. “nature” = he’s athletic and swims. “golden” = his hair and the Golden State. “pride” = uh... well. Hmmm, he’s proud of his hair? You don’t mean... nah.

Finally we’re given a quote to live by, the moral of this whole black and white glamazonian adventure :

“We are all just flying around this world in a small plane and there’s no room for extra baggage.”

No shit? Deep-ish and not a little creepy. Something a pilot might say in a horror movie if your plane was being overtaken by aliens or gremlins. We are all just flying around this world in a small plane and there’s no room for extra baggage! He might then suggest someone volunteer to crawl outside the moving jet to unlock the baggage container. That someone might be Bruce “Headscarf” Willis.

This quote is also handwritten like the cover complete with splatter marks which could easily be blood. I’m just saying. These models would do anything to get out their One World message. Resistance is futile. It’s the perfect ending to a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a T-shirt. I’ll admit, I was warned. “young” it told me, like an Old Person warning. Some of this material may not be understood by anyone over 40.

I dared to read the catalogue and now I’ll pay the price. I recieve my phone call, my quote, my warning. One of those Creepy Psycho riddles like Hannibal Lector would send in blood. We are all just flying around this world in a small plane and there’s no room for extra baggage.

Bwa- ha -ha.

12:15:40 PM    sro home /