EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW

1. The best singer on American Idol this season is Fantasia. It’s pretty much a forgone conclusion in The Media she will (and should) win. She is the black girl with short hair should someone show you a picture. The phrase “I love Fantasia” will get you through any AI conversation.

2. My (ex)maid actually was a thief. She was caught in the act by my therapist who told me he fired her (before he knew I had misgivings). I was a Big Pussy and just never called her back. Maybe I should have talked to her but I didn’t want to have to look up all those Spanish phrases.

3. I’ve taken to having a couple of cocktails in the evening before dinner. The recipe is Bacardi Limon Rum mixed with Paul Newman’s Pink Lemonade. Not the Butchest Drink but delicious and easy. My internal conversation fluctuates between “I am an alcoholic” and “It’s good for your heart”. Since I don’t drink till I pass out or harm anything, I’m sticking with the Heart Story. I also get Bonus Points for not smoking pot for 5 months (for monetary reasons mostly). But come on, after all the zillions of Bad Things I have forsaken over the years, can’t I have just this one? Please? Oh, and there’s the Dunhills. But still.

4. My Grandmother died last month. My mother called me on Tuesday. She’d died the Thursday before and the funeral was that weekend. I’m sure there was some Drama involved in the whole thing but you know what? I didn’t ask.

5. I read The New York and LA Times every day. Weekly I read Entertainment Weekly and The New Yorker. Monthly I read Vanity Fair. On the internet, dailies are Slate, Wonkette, Gawker, Fleshbot and the NY Observer.

6. Current soundtrack is late-70s/early-80s disco/R&B/ funk. The Short Story is it’s a “nostalgia thing”. Baby We Can Do It/SOS Band. Can’t Fake The Feeling/Geraldine Hunt. Let’s Start The Dance/Bohannon. Ad nauseum.

7. My health is fine. I recently had a complete physical including the Infamous Prostate Exam. My Doc and I were discussing restaurants until I stopped him by saying “I’d prefer not to talk about Sushi while we’re doing this.”

8. Polly and my’s breakfast routine was disrupted this week because they were filming a movie at the restaurant. DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD! This morning we walked around the corner to the magazine stand and the manager, B., came out and personally and profusely apologized. We met some of the crew and B. brought us coffee To Go.

9. Spring is here and people are returning more and more to the Dog Park. One thing I discovered (especially about a Small Dog Park) is the steady stream of new puppies. Some stay as they grow, some move on to the Big Dog Park and some owners freak when they see their “baby” around other dogs. I wonder sometimes if it’s the First Time they’ve realized Fluffy is actually a dog and not a Mute Baby. Polly has taken to Sun Bathing and if anyone shows up with a blanket or towel, she will be the first to move in. She’s not so crazy about the *ugh* dirt.

10. I make Peace with myself every day. Oh, Betty’s always prodding me about this or that but not too often. Which is great, cause then She can do other stuff. Like dance with Polly to music from a long time ago. Help me with the crossword. “Ute” she’ll whisper. Pull the cover up over Polly curled in my arms as we drift asleep.

There was a man at the Dog Park the other day and several people pointed out he looked (as they said) just like me. He’s like a buff version of you. Wait a minute, I was once a Buff Version of Me. Now, alas, I am Version-less and think so rarely about my physical body as an object, it was a mild shock to hear how others see me now. I have a shaved head. I’m tall. I’m 43. I wear glasses. I’m ruggedly handsome in the way Television FBI agents usually are. I snuck closer to study his face as if it were Mine. I looked for signs of Betty. If this is How I Look, I figured, She must be there somewhere. Are you “Ute” too?

1:37:16 PM    sro home /