GUMBO


I think Fox is just fucking with our heads. I’ll admit the whole “American Idol Finale” concept is lame - some “singer” “America” “voted” for gets crowned as “The Next Big Thing” so the Producers can sell CDs. Now, however, they have gone too far.

Not content with Season Ender, they have added Red Carpet Event. C-List stars are assaulted at the hypothetical entrance and asked for their opinions on the outcome like it was a Presidential Election challenging issue. Face it, your odds are 50/50. Such *cough* stars as Ray Romano, Sharon Osborne and Henry Winkler add their unending wit and Youthful Relevancy. On a depressingly similar note, perennial Exuberant C-Lister Jennifer Love Hewitt introduces musical numbers sung by past American Idol, uh, Losers on what looks like a stage at Six Flags.

There is also a fair amount of schtick involving “Gosh, Aren’t We Live?”. Simon feigns confusion over the camera and Ryan “I Must Be Young Cause I Act Retarded” Seacrest makes a concerted effort to be more spazzy than usual. You know when you think something might be funny but just ends up creepy? Yeah that.

Past “Almost-Idol-But-Considered-A-Good-Singer-And-Acts” Tamyra Gray opened the actual show by singing The Star Spangled Banner like we’re at a baseball game. I think she fucked up the words but I dozed off so I may be wrong. Next Diana Degarmo walks out singing ”The Impossible Dream”. Robert Goulet circa 1968. Yeah, that’ll get everyone on their feet. Fortunately Diana has abandoned Big Hair and her new straight locks reduce the Peanuts Cartoon Shape of her face. She’s joined by the American Idol A-Team including Rubban “I’m Luther Vandross’ Love Child” Studdard and Kelly “I Don’t Know Justin” Clarkson. Together they compare becoming an American Idol to “walking through Hell with a heavenly cause”. Yeah, it’s tough alright. They aren’t just singers, they’re Heroes. Perhaps Justin is in prison somewhere getting his unsold CDs shoved up his ass by a redneck soldier. There’s something I would have picked up the phone and voted for.

More self-serving Commercial Masturbation follows with an Up With People revue featuring past American Idol, well, Losers who will soon be appearing in Civic Centers and Malls across America. They’re wearing yellow and white variations of Old Navy and look like Jamba Juice workers. Think High School Talent Show performed by Baptist Closet Queens. I’m just saying.

Rubban Studdard comes out to sing his “latest” song which is basically his “first” song. He’s wearing a baseball cap cocked to one side like Rerun. He sweats like Whitney and at the end spreads his jacket to point at an airbrushed painting of some black guy (Luther?) on his billboard size t-shirt. Perhaps he bought it outside at Six Flags.

Both finalists perform their Swan Song dressed in white with a choir and videos of streaming clouds. Their songs, “I Believe” and “Dreams”, both embody some airy-fairy Hallmark Card hooey about Following Your Path, blah blah blah. You want to pray or send money or both. I guess those of us who can’t sing and go on TV and sell CDs are going to Hell. Yeah, You.

The Judges choke one last gasp. “You’re both winners” (Which uh, you aren’t really). “You’ll get fame, fortune...” (Uh, except for Justin). Fortune Cookies are more relevant.

Finally the winner is announced. Fantasia. She cries, her mother looks like she’s having a heart attack and another relative is doing Church Jumping. Fantasia remarks “she’s been through alot but has worked hard to get what she got”. She sings “I Believe” and she does something you are amazed to find underneath this frenzied fluff of a show. She makes the message Redemption and she drives it home. She takes the music and flies over the whole Charade. That, in the end, is real Talent. I got misty and there’s not another TV show I’ve seen this past year that had that effect.




10:44:58 PM    sro home /