MOMMA LISA
Dear Mommy -
Since you’re a Big Star and all, we thought we’d send you a note re: some requests we have before we are born. We know you’ve been busy “acting” and your assistant you may have regrettably overlooked some of the Pregnancy Details but remember, you’re out there getting your ass kissed while our cherubic little butts are stuffed like sardines in your slender frame. We’re just saying.
1. Enough with the chicken wings. We are, in fact, Vegan.
2. Could it hurt to drink some hair conditioner now and then? Yes, some Queen is doting over your famous locks but meanwhile we’re suffering from Womb Hair and not too happy. Those kicks you’re starting to get? Here’s a tip : Not Pilates.
3. If you give us Fruit Names, we will become Evil Media Spawn like the Olsens and make your life a living hell. Also ix-nay on “Moder”. Too Nell.
4. Thumbs up on the Botox. We’ve absorbed enough already that we’re looking pretty two-celled but hey, we know our demographic.
4. We are Twins which means Two of us. Got that? Two purses, not One purse. Yes, it will be awkward at first but after the Flash just hand us back to the Nanny(s) who will hopefully not hold us like Baby Monkeys.
5. Just drop all the “I want to raise them like normal children” crap right now. We don’t think so. We’ve managed to give you First Prize in the Hollywood Baby Race by being Twins and will never let you forget it. How many Big Name Babes are pushing out puppies in The Star ? We think you see our point. Ponies, Huge Stuffed Animals and Prada Booties to start. We’ll talk more after the Birth.
All in all, we look forward to working with you. We promise to do our best to distract from your waning career due to Maternal Obligations, etc., etc. See you in the O.R.
XXX - Us
P.S. Send Uncle George our love and tell him he really, really is our favorite Uncle.
2:35:34 PM  sro home /
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Tuesday, June 1, 2004
