TOMB RAIDER


In 1979 when I was 17 I took my first trip to Europe and went to Russia. At the time, Russia was (of course) still Communist and I went as a last minute Mensa Moment without preparation. I was in Paris, read about a student tour leaving from Copenhagen, got my visa in Nice and went.

We first went to Leningrad for three days and then by train to Moscow. Leningrad was supposed to be the more scenic of the two but frankly I thought it was dreary. You only needed one crayon, a brown one. Not to mention how Cheap Polyester absorbs B.O. like a sponge and everyone in Russia wore polyester. I’m just saying.

Moscow was different. There were more recognizable icons - onion domes, Gumps and Lenin’s Tomb. The Tomb wasn’t really a building, it was a giant tent cube on Red Square like a carnival Haunted House made from football field sheets. You’d enter in one corner, walk around the perimeter with Lenin laid out in the middle and exit on the opposite side.

There’s speculation whether “Lenin’s Body” was actually “Lenin’s Body” but I couldn’t tell you. We were not allowed to bend over his face or poke his cheek. He looked like Madame Tussaud Lenin, his waxy “skin” some vaguely bluish color. Slightly angled for display purposes, it was like looking at a cake in a bakery which they tilt to show you the top.

I’m still not sure what the point was. Yeah, that was Lenin, Maybe. It wasn’t like viewing a painting to gain insight and inspiration. His “corpse” wasn’t very inviting, not Mr. Warm and Fuzzy. My Communism Went to Russia and All I Got Was This Lousy Morgue Make-Up.

Me, I’d prefer one of those inflatable carnival rooms, where you bounce like an excited puppy. Red Square may be booked now but the Dog Park is fine. If wax embalming isn’t an option, Saran Wrap will do. Maybe one of those things sold on TV that vacuum seals blankets and shirts for traveling. I would prefer to remain moth free plus you could fit more of me in your luggage. Feel free to wander from your place in line. You can lean over my body, touch your fingers to my closed eyes and ask yourself “Where does Life lie?” As you leave, Betty will whisper in your ear everything you need to know.

11:13:40 PM    sro home /