THE SADDEST PICTURE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. EVER.

Actresses Halle Berry, left, and Susan Lucci doing the Wal-Mart cheer with David Glass,
a board member, at the June 4 shareholder meeting.

From today’s NYT. I can barely keep staring at it. I’m crying as I type.

If I was ever involved in some freak accident (e.g, an airline worker leaves his or her Vanity Fair on a plane wing and the magazine plummets thousands of feet to slice off my arm) when I get depressed, I would look at This Picture. I’d say to myself, “Self, things could be worse. Yes, you only have one arm but at least you’re not doing the “Wal-Mart cheer” in front of shareholders.” Shareholders who, I’m just guessing, aren’t Academy Award Winners. Having one arm might not be so bad. I could buy smaller shirts.

I might suddenly decide to try Heroin but naturally I have no idea what I’m doing. As I nod off and potentially overdose, I turn my frothy grimace to This Picture. Deep inside, James Earl Jones says “Hugh, this could be Where you’re Going...”. Big Mensa Moment. Well if Hell Really Exists, I need to get off my ass and clean up first. Several days later, I begin my life anew, feeding orphans with Angelina Jolie wearing khaki Prada. All because of This Picture.

This picture makes me a bit suicidal. What does it all mean? Is this what happens in The End? I’m sobbing and wishing I owned some Morissey and wanting to kill myself. Deep inside, some British Actor says “Good God, Man! Snap out of it! If you kill yourself, it will mean Wal-Mart has won!” I will never again accept money to dance like a Trained Monkey with anyone called a “Board Member”. TMI. Ian/Sean/Michael is right, I can’t let them win. I’m better than that.



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