PLAYING WITH MATCHES


Awhile ago I posted about my results from taking the eHarmony.com “Personality Profile”. The site is for Het relationships only so it was merely Research. The Profile itself -with a $40 value! (???) - was an endless series of demonic SAT-like questions. However after sucking dry two hours of my life, I was given a handy blurb describing What You Are Like. Mine basically said “My Shit Don’t Stink” and “I’m the New Improved Jesus”. Knowing how odorous my Shit actually is, I was sceptical to say the least. I’d also blown my $40 wad and they were jonesing for cash. No thanks.

Recently I’ve seen TV spots for Match.com, another Online Pimping Matchmaking Service, so I thought I’d conduct further research and compare the two. Immediately I found the most obvious differences are a) Match.com is omnisexual and b) free. What’s not to like?

My adolescent fascination ground to a screeching halt when I tried registering. I’ve never in my life had so much trouble picking a fucking Username. You’d have thought I was naming Julia Robert’s upcoming twins. My first submission (my current nom de plume in such Internet situations) “Hughman” was immediately regurgitated.

The username you selected is already in use. Please enter another username, or choose one of the usernames we've suggested:
• hughman696
• hughmandumplings
• squiggletybilly

Hmmm. Let me think about this one. Hughman696 = Borderline Satanic. Hughmandumplings = I’m just fat. Squiggletybilly = I’m crazy and need Ritalin. I stared at the three suggestions a good 3 minutes trying to form a connection but I Got Nuttin’. I was going to have to pull out Bigger Guns. Next try : my middle name, “Garnet” :

The username you selected is already in use. Please enter another username, or choose one of the usernames we've suggested:

• garnet970
• garnetnoogums
• sillyeecakes

Ok. Now it was like talking to a Crazy Street Person. Who knows what might come out of their mouth? I confess, “Sillyeecakes” did give me pause. The extra “e”s were a nice touch, kind of like how One sounds when One is being silly. Perhaps if I were 6. And a girl.

If there’s already a “Garnet” who knows what Ebil Forces I was against. I needed something so clever, so unexpected, so deliciously devious no one else could possibly have used. “SROMAN”! Of the infamous Standing Room Only, natch!

The username you selected is already in use. Please enter another username, or choose one of the usernames we've suggested:

• SROMAN297
• SROMANhead
• pooftiepies

Pooftiepies. This is what I’ve been reduced to... “Pooftiepies”. Hi, I’m a Big Nelly Queen who sits in the corner and plays with my own shit. It’s so so sad. Now I just have to patiently wait for the deluge of Pooftiepies Love Letters to pour in.

4:00:25 PM    sro home /