STANDING ROOM ONLY

Monday, July 19, 2004

You play in a Cyber Casino. From what little you see, it must be the ugliest, tackiest Cyber Casino in Cyber Vegas. It’s hard to tell from this Screen Shot but the floor is covered in the most horrendous Cyber Carpet, a trippy swamp of purple and gold. Probably to disguise the Cyber Vomit from the Cyber Drunks. When you arrive at a “table”, you assume the guise of one of the Cyber Players. You choose one that’s available but the same characters are consistent at all tables.

1. The Jew - The man in the green turtleneck is wearing a yamaka and an Amish-type beard. Possibly a Terrorist (those foreigners!) whose uniform of choice is an old Brady Bunch costume. He’s also wearing sunglasses Cyber Indoors which is not only shady but tacky.

2. The Bimbo - Biggest Breasts Ever. It’s kinda scary. She’s wearing a Ginger the Movie Star dress which can barely contain her Lounge Act. Closer up, she’s wearing a headband (?) which pulls back her stringy blond hair. Conditioner girl!

3. James Bond - Quite dapper in his tux and he may be with Bimbo. Unfortunately he’s lost his arms and someone has kindly just plopped his fake hands on the edge of the table.

4. The Black Person - I’m pretty sure the grey blob is meant to be an Afro. He (she?) is also wearing some dashiki-type shirt giving off a whole Abbey Hoffman vibe. The shirt could also be Mexican or whatever but the point is they’re not from these parts.

5. The Cowboy - Not much going on other than the hat but I was thinking Oil Tycoon. Loud, big cigar, loads of money to burn. Probably has gotten drunk with GWB and calls Cheney “Little Dicky” for kicks.

7. The Spanish Lady - Brunette + red dress = Hispanic. Her hair is sensibly drawn back from her face by a matching ribbon. She means Business. She’s a good Cyber Maid but here’s where she makes the Big Cyber Bucks.

8. The Eccentric Billionaire - Effete weirdo. Baldness, glasses and cigarette also imply something fairly Evil. Cyber Mad Scientist killing time before his Robotic Cyber Minions conquer the Cyber World.

9. Andre Aggassi - Shaved head, facial hair, groovin’ track suit. B-List Actor kicking back and trying the Affleck Thing. His hands are serenely folded in front of him to show off his Rolex.

10. Angry Man - This character scared me at first. If you see his face closer, he’s fucking pissed about something. His irritated demeanour and big-shouldered suit give him a Ricky Ricardo vibe after catching Lucy in The Nightclub. I’m assuming his hands are poised to hold cards but he could also be strangling someone in his warped mind. I try to avoid him.

(Missing) The Old Lady - Unfortunately not in this Screen Shot. I’m guessing the Women are all modeled on the same form, so The Old Lady has a body like The Bimbo meaning her high-collared Sunday School Teacher Suit is about to bust all over. This also gives the impression of Cross-Dresser - think Anthony Perkins in Psycho. She’s clutching a purse in paranoia and you know it’s probably holding Mace and a severed hand.

All I know is what happens in Cyber Vegas stays in Cyber Vegas.

3:10:14 PM

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