STANDING ROOM ONLY

Friday, July 23, 2004

STONED

From an LA TImes article today on Sharon Stone (I would link but a fee’s required for the on-line version) :

Making ends meet was difficult for the family, especially when her factory-father worker was sidelined with an illness.

“There was no pay when you were sick”, she says. “My mom was raising four kids. We never had a baby-sitter. We never had anyone help. My mom had a one-acre garden where she grew the food and canned it all summer for all winter, and my dad hunted and then we ate that food for the rest of the year. So it was a very kind of seriously old-fashioned way of being raised. But then at one point my mom became an Avon Lady.”

Dear Sharon,

You. Are. Hot. Despite what everyone is saying about Scatwoman, I bet this is your Big Comeback. No, really. I haven’t seen the movie yet but I can’t wait ~~to rent the DVD~~ to watch you work your Magic.

Speaking of Magic, I think it’s so cool you admit to being *cough* 46 *cough*. Gee, I thought, she’s only 4 years older than me! But who’s counting? It was when I read about your upbringing that the (one) hair on my head stood on end. It’s as if we were separated at birth! You didn’t have “help”, I didn’t have “help”! Your mother grew food and canned it for winter, my mother opened can food! You lived in some Cliched Rural Fantasy, I lived in a Fantasy World! I’m sure you understand why my hands were shaking (aside from the Lattes).

Since we’re practically Kissin’ Kuzzins, I thought I’d offer my suggestions as a writer re: “Your Story” :

1. “There was no pay when you were sick.” - What are talking here? Head cold? There’s even less pay when you’re “slowly dying of an incurable disease”. Trust me on this one. Maybe your Dad could walk but more importantly did he want to walk? It may be splitting hairs but let’s respect the integrity of Dad’s privacy.

1. “My Mom was raising four kids.” - Just four? Make it six. Not to mention the Foster Kids. Plus the Boarders. (There’s always a couple of Boarders.) Side note : Molested? Your choice.

2. “We never had a baby-sitter. We never had any help” - Of course not, the closest neighbor was ~~a block~~ thirty miles away! Other than the occasional Pan Salesmen, you probably didn’t see other people for months on end. These “hypothetical baby-sitters” might also have been terrified to approach the house with the Screaming Poor Kids and the Drooling Father.

3. ”My Mother had a one-acre garden where she grew the food and canned it all summer for all winter.” - The garden is a nice touch but are you sure it wasn’t bigger? Say 50 acres, where she not only grew food but cotton which she spun into clothes to wear. Each Christmas you’d get one new pair of socks to last all year. If pressed, “food” could mean just Brussel Sprouts. No one will want to elaborate.

4. “My Dad hunted.” - Ok, nice Ned Beatty imagery. He hunted but more importantly, he killed. It was classified an “accident” but let’s say Dad never recovered from the guilt and grief of popping his Best Friend. Plus Dead Best Friend’s family moves in with you.

5. “So it was a very kind of seriously old-fashioned way of being raised” - You got that right. Medieval even. None of that “light hearted” old fashioned stuff. You rolled in the mud and then all of you had to share the bath.

6. “But then at one point my Mom became an Avon Lady.” - I’m not big on the Religion Stuff but is this a Good Thing? For example, during this “one point” was there glowing or loud voices from the sky? Maybe “Our Lady of the Avon” would capture the moment better. I’m just saying.

Anyhoo, hope you find my small suggestions useful. At the least these added details might explain your hair. Meow!

Luff Ya! - SRO

1:51:14 PM

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