BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEWS BETTY
We’re here talking with the infamous Betty of “Standing Room Only”. So many of you have sent mail asking about Her, I thought who but myself, Barbara Walters, could unveil the mystery of Betty. Welcome Betty.
Hello Old Woman! (Betty laughs gaily.)
(Barbara laughs not so gaily.)
Barbara, just call me Betty.
I did just call you Betty.
I know. Keep it up.
Betty, tell us where you got your start.
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara... it’ s hard to know where to start.
Start at the beginning.
You think? Well first it was real Dark. I mean, like, so FUCKING Dark. TITTY FLASH! Ha ha, just kidding! You can take all that out, right? Then after the Dark was Light and Earth was made and blah blah blah...
I didn’t mean the beginning of time...
(Betty leans over to Barbara and whispers)
Psst... Barbara.
Yes?
Don’t look now... but there’s a ladybug on your shoulder.
(Barbara freezes. The ladybug flies off.)
Betty, were you a happy child?
Dur. My parents were Indonesian Nair Smugglers and I was raised by Supermodel Nuns who had Bad Habits and monkeys on their backs. Yeah, it worked for me. Good Times.
I see.
Do you now? Later I invented Swizzle Sticks which is where I made my first Zillion. Soon, however, I grew weary of the shallow world of Glass Flamingos. I moved to L.A. to learn the dying Art of Training Bunnies and moved in Wit Hugh.
How long have you known Hugh?
I’ve known him all his life but we’ve been seeing more of each other the last couple of years.
Ahhh. Betty, tell the truth, are you being seen by other men?
(Betty laughs gaily.) Oh Babs, you flatter me. No, I’m here to tell the public I have not been seen by anyone else. Yes, I’ve heard rumors - people asking questions, talking about me - but Barbara, I’m a One Man Gal.
So you’re exclusive?
Right now, yes. It’s just Hugh and Me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t speak for other men and women out there with different names - Jesus, Buddha - I don’t know how they manage a huge career and a personal life. As you can imagine, Hugh keeps my hands full! (Laughs gaily again.)
(Barbara laughs gaily.)
(Betty laughs harder and kicks Barbara in the shin.)
Ow. Seriously, Betty, what does the future hold for you and Hugh?
Well... it’s not always easy. It’s, it’s... could you hand me a tissue Barbara?
(Barbara hands tissue to Betty)
(Betty takes the tissue and blows her nose like a truck horn. Barbara winces.)
Thanks doll. As I was saying, it’s been rough but we’re just taking it one day at a time. Since Polly came along...
Ah yes. Pawwy.
Polly.
Pawwy.
Pol. Ley.
Paw. Wey.
Since the dog came along, things have improved immensely. She’s helped so much with my work. She is, in some ways, the Betty I can never be. (Betty wipes a tear from her cheek.)
You’re very very generous.
(In sympathy, Barbara places one hand on Betty’s knee.)
Are you coming on to me?
(Barbara laughs gaily.)
(Betty laughs not so gaily.)
Betty, is there anything else you’d like to say?
Yes, I just want to send a Big Shout-Out to my peeps out there. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I LOVE YOU GUYS. WOOO!! You know, Babs, it’s hard for the Bettys of the world to get the attention We deserve and I feel very very lucky. Oh, and I also want to thank my lawyer. Good night.
And a good night to you Betty.
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
sro home /
