2 + 2 = MORE


Polly has two roles at the Dog Park.

One is “Grand Dame”. She’ll sit stately and accept Visitors but Rudeness is not allowed. If any of the other dogs get too vocal, she is quick to chastise them. She’s annoyed they aren’t behaving like “Miss Brody’s Girls”. She’ll park her butt on my leg, like I’m her throne. When Subjects approach (mostly to see me) she’ll grandly turn her head. All she’s missing is a hat and a purse.

Her second M.O. is Goth Girl in the High School Cafeteria. She’ll sit alone, often with her back to everyone. Then she, well, I don’t know what she’s doing. But it looks like this : “I hate you and your Doggy Ways. You’re all just so lame. You don’t even get Marilyn Manson. You suck. Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.” Or so I’m thinking. “Self-expression is a vital part of adolescent development” so I try to respect her Goth Boundaries. I will not succumb to a Ricki Lake makeover: “Why Can’t You Act Like The Other Dogs?”. Bursting into tears over her “After Picture” where she’s dressed like a Republican. I’d be the Mom with the pierced nose who screams “You don’t know us!” .

Maybe she just likes her Polly Time. She’s thinking about Janis Ian and writing poems in her head about the Meaning of Things and Deep Stuff. Pensive in a not so Bull Dykey Way. I’d sit on the hill in a Hoop Skirt. When anyone asks about Polly, I flutter my fan and say “Oh she’s just “sensitive”. Evah since the Wah.” Heh heh. That’s funny.

Maybe I’m thinking about it too much. I’m like an Imagination Crack Addict, whoring reality and stealing ideas for my Next Fix. Oddly enough, I’d recently seen an Adult ADD Test touted on the telly. Gosh, it sounded so impartial! Was this this answer I’d just been looking for? I was confident I’d discover something New about Myself!

1. “How often do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, once the challenging parts have been done?” - Ok, define “project”. Taking Polly to the Dog Park? The challenging part is remembering to recharge my iPod before I go. After that, it’s pretty smooth sailing so my answer would have to be never.

2. “How often do you have difficulty getting things in order when you have to do a task that requires organization?” - See above. So I’ll say never.

3. “How often do you have problems remembering appointments or obligations?” - I’m fucked. My watch was three dates off for two weeks before I noticed. I already saw myself twitching like a junkie from my new DISORDER!!!

4. “When you have a task that requires a lot of thought, how often do you avoid or delay getting started?” - You lost me. This sentence just sounded like a Peanuts Teacher, “Whaa waaa waaa whaa waa”. Please define the following: “task”, “a lot of”, “thought” and “delay”. Other than that, I’m good.

5. “How often do you fidget or squirm with your hands or your feet when you have to sit down for a long time?”- Ewwww. I hate that. In LA it always reminds me of some coked-up Mactor waiting for a call on his cell. I was a little offended they were blaming this on My ADD. I should step back and really look at my Relationship with ADD. Is there Commitment?

6. “How often do you feel overly active and compelled to do things, like you were driven by a motor?” - I smell a rat. Had I stupidly wandered into some huge ADD/Pharmaceutical/ I. Robot merger? Would I have to watch Will Smith stroll past a robot who’s face says “THIS MIGHT BE YOU”?

Fortunately “overly active” and “compelled” aren’t the first words that leap to mind when describing myself. The mention of “motor” immediately conjured an old 1950’s rotary motor, like for a factory or a sander. It was shiny red. It almost looked like it was in a drawing, perhaps for a safety poster. Oh my god, am I ADDing right now? Is that my foot squirming?

I submit my results and they’re “evaluated”. Somewhere a team of white lab coats passes my answers and assesses my DISORDER!! Tsking, I imagine, can not be good. Finally the site reloads and :

THE RESPONSES YOU HAVE PROVIDED INDICATE THAT YOUR SYMPTOMS MAY BE CONSISTENT WITH ADULT ADD. IT MAY BE BENEFICIAL FOR YOU TO TALK WITH YOUR HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL ABOUT AN EVALUATION.

In the Biggest, Boldest, Most Urgent Fucking Letters.

GET OFF YOUR FAT, ADD FILLED, LAZY ASS AND GET TO A DOCTOR, STAT! YOU HAVE “SYMPTOMS” DUMBASS! YOU NEED AN “EVALUATION”! ANOTHER ONE! YOU’RE GONNA BE RIGGED UP LIKE AN ALIEN EXPERIMENT SO WE CAN FIX YOUR FUCKTARD ATTITUDE!

Wow. This sounds like a Project. Let me think about the details and get back to you.

12:44:26 PM    sro home /