WAR OF THE WONKAS


The Internets are all abuzz re: two new trailers for “upcoming highly anticipated fantasy remakes”. No, silly, not Scooby Doo 3 (not yet, anyway).

One is Tim Robbin’s remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory now correctly re-titled Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. That’s always been a sore spot for me being a lifelong fan of the book (as well as it’s sequel Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, James and the Giant Peach, et al.) Go look at the trailer here.

Well, to it’s credit, it doesn’t look much like the Original Film. Gene Wilder’s split ends have been reduced to an Amelie wig on Johnny Depp which bodes well for his character. Depp seems to do his best work when he acts Queer (see Pirates of the Caribbean) so this odd twist could have Oscar Net sprayed all over it. Wonka may end up V.V. Eccentric Diva (Jacko anyone?) who, uh, makes candy.

(Side Note : I remember being a child and my Mother grilling me after we heard Sammy Davis Jr. sing “The Candy Man”. “YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SONG’S ABOUT DON’T YOU?” Hmmm... candy? “IT’S ABOUT DRUGS!” Well if “you can even eat the dishes” is what drugs are all about, I’m there.)

Fortunately the film doesn’t plan to head into sickening Grinch territory. The “It’s A Small World” mind killer theme song melts at one point while we gloat over what portends Veronica Salt’s comeuppance. Mean Girls go blue and bloated. Cool! Count me there!

The other trailer is for War of the Worlds starring Tom “Only Robots Make my Acting Look Good” Cruise and directed by Stephen Spielberg. This, btw, is Credit Order since Mission Impossible was so much more important than Schindler’s List. Go see the trailer here.

“As Men busied themselves with their various concerns, They observed and studied. With infinite complacency, Men went to and fro about the globe, confident over their Empire over this World. Yet, across the Gulf of Space, Intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic regarded our Planet with envious eyes and slowly, and surely, drew Their plans against Us.”

Homework : The above quote is actual voice-over from the WOTW trailer. Replace “Men” and “Planet” with “Americans” and “the USA”. You can figure out the whole “Gulf of Space” thing yourself. It’s right next to where they have “Oil from Orion”. We don’t see either Cruise or Them in the clip so we can only assume “They” wear Shiny Metallic Turbans and drive cabs.

Still not sure why Huge Space-Traveling ETs have “envious eyes”. (Our endless Lohan Boobies? Cruises new teeth?) Whatever They want, they have a Space Monkey on Their backs about it. We’re treated to the potential explosion of a Norman Rockwell painting where Happy All White Families run into suburban streets to see the sky go fucking apeshit. They’re all wearing pajamas with robes and you know what that means. Uh huh. Republicans... freepers who are then annihilated into what us Pagans call “Oblivion”.

God I love a Good Ending. Who knows, I just may go see it.

11:59:53 AM    sro home /